Four Years Of Secret Love

author:anonymous




Four Years.

It’s already been four years since I know you. It’s already been four years since I was your friend. And it’s also been four years that I had hid my true feeling for you, Tiffany.

These four years I’ve been like a fool in love, keeping wondering around whether you have the same feeling for me, but your feeling seemed so unpredictable.

The stare that you threw at me, the touch whenever you were comforting me and the care that you had given to me, those things confirmed me that you was surely have the same feeling for me as I have for you, that why I concluded that we were closed and I was special for you. But everything become shattered when I saw you gave those same sensations toward other people too. So again I was wondering whether it was my own daydreaming or whether it was your way to express your friendliness and your kindness. This was the reason why I kept the secret of loving you so much bury within my heart.

For these four years, I was always had my eyes struck on you, and I was still the same coward who didn’t have enough courage to show you my own feeling just because I scared that I will lose you, forever.


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Fany and I were in our last year of high school life. We studied in the same class and lived together in the same small but comfortable dorm. We simply lived a life like how other colleges would do, studying during weekday and hanging out together at the weekend.

Life was so perfect for us, we sometime would had a small sweet friendship quarrel which was always end up with both of us sharing into each other and burst into laughter because we realized how kid-liked our behaviors were. Or sometimes we might run in the rain, hand in hand with my jacket shielding you above us, but I didn’t like it because you would definitely become sick afterward. More than this, you would always make me piggyback you because of all your innocent clumsiness whenever you fell and broke your ankle.

However I felt so happy because we forever spent all our time together and have never once separated.

But born to be human, people always need more. I was not satisfied with the word best friend or the word close friend. I want us, TaeNy, to be more special than these so that why when I started to make a plan about confessing you my true feeling. And it’s going to be happened on my 21st birthday, which was exactly next week.

For four years time, it’s long enough to let you know that what I like and what I don’t like. That why every year you would always threw me a surprised birthday party and I think this year will not make any different. But I would make it different for this year. On that particular day, I was planning on asking you officially to be my other half, to be the special one in my life.


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However, for the sake of fate, everything was completely turning upside down.

That night, the night of my birthday, I was sitting alone in front of the only luminous object, television. I kept on changing the channel to find a refreshing one to watch. Once in a while I would steal a glance at the clock which happened to hang above the TV. It showed 10:00pm, 2 more hours to ending the day. My mind kept on imagining how Fany would celebrate my birthday for me and I chuckled to those thoughts.

Just then the door slammed opend and the light was switched on. Fany came running into me and hugged me tightly that I found it hard to take a breath at first. Her smile was so bright like shining stars not to mention with those attractive eyes-smiled of hers. She then released herself away from me and spinning around like a little immature girl.

I grinned at the sight in front of me, but then noticed that there was no cake which I was secretly waiting for and there was also no present which I used to received every years. I felt a little bit disappointed but I didn’t expose it out, I would rather keep it to myself.

She then stopped and gave me those alluring eyes-smiled which never failed to make my heart fluttered. She took my hands and I was beaming like forever. She finally gave me an unforgettable birthday gift which sorely sent my heart into pieces.

“TaeTae, Guess what? He asked me out. Hoohoo, I feel happy so much.” She said enthusiastically.

It was when I came to conclusion that she was completely forget about my birthday. And the reason behind it is because of the HE? I never once felt this down in my life. I never once expected that she would my birthday. I wished that everything that just happened was a joke, was a fake but it’ll never be.


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Two months pass.

Things had changed quite a lot.

For Fany and me, our close friendship remained, but her heart was belonged to someone else. Each night I would quietly wait for her to return back dorm where we usually called it as our home. Since she had got a boyfriend she tended to come back very late in the mid night. And I was seriously very worried about her security, I didn’t know whether the one that she was dating was a good person or not. But all my fear faded away when I peeked through the hole of my bedroom door and saw her came home with a smile stuck on her face.

I would felt the same way every night, the pain that tortured me never absent because of the one that she spent her time with was him.

Thinking about before, at this late hour, we were supposed to be in our bed or it supposed to be the time that she might knock on thinnest wall that connecting our rooms and chatted about random things until the sun rose for sometimes. Sometimes I wished that this unnecessary wall would just disappear out of my sight in someday. It’s so irritated.


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Christmas ‘Eve.

I was wandering around alone in the busy street where every couple was awaiting for Christmas day to come. I felt a little bit isolated so I discharged from the group and decided to walk to somewhere else that emptier and quieter.
Finally I arrived at river side. I kept on walking and walking until I saw a familiar figure sitting alone on the bench facing the endless river. She was looking at a particular star and praying sadly. It didn’t take too long for to realize who she was.


“Fany? Didn’t she tell me that she was out with her boyfriend? Why does she sit there alone?” I whispered to myself.

Then I reached for my phone and purposely call to her. But she didn’t pick up the call. When the line was cut off, I averted my gaze from my phone to her. I felt a little bit angry. If I was her best friend then she should pick up my call. But my anger ceased when I saw her shivering in this cold freezing weather. I wondered how could she wear such a thin and short dress without gloves without hat in the weather like this, or at least she should put on the scarf that I bought for her a couple of months ago. She might freeze to death if she stayed there a bit longer without wearing a jacket, a sweater or whatever that could protect her from the cold.

I quickly stripped off my woollen fabric jacket and approached her. I wrapped it around her and she was startled.
“Taeyeon?” She exclaimed with a frown plastered on her face.

“What are you doing here a lone in the cold and where is your boyfriend?” I asked while took a seat next to her.
“ I - I… ” She stuttered, on the verge of tear.

I felt regretted that I asked her so directly. My heart stung upon seeing her like this so without waiting her to finish her sentence I pulled her in and she ended up in my arms.

Then she continued “I called him many times but seemed like the network can’t reach through. I don’t want to leave because I scared that he will show up after I left.”

“So you just let yourself chillingly waiting for him. You know you can catch a cold and it is the last thing that I would ever like to see.” I deplored.

“I just … don’t know” This is what she replied to me.

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