Sober (Drunk III) 

 

 

“Taetae…”

 

 

The last person she expected to be there stood before her very eyes. In the background, figures that walked past blurred in slow motion sans the lone individual drawing closer.

 

 

“Pany-ah…” 

 

 

A whiff of breath escaped Taeyeon's lips and the name she uttered felt so foreign to her ears yet even more on her tongue. Watching her best friend walk towards her felt so surreal but she knew she was not imagining it. What caught her immediately was the stark differences in their appearances. Tiffany was at least slightly looking better, though blatant changes were evident; dark shades beneath the once vibrant crescents dimmed her eye smiles and the jutting collars peeked through her neckline showing her rapid weight loss. They both looked miserable but unlike Taeyeon, Tiffany still had that hint of warm sunshine glow emanating from deep within her. She was still beautiful no matter how she looked to her.

 

 

“Hey…” Tiffany stepped forward again, cautious and timid. “H-how are you?”

 

 

“I'm... okay,” said Taeyeon in disbelief and while still controlling her nerves, “What… what are you doing here?”

 

 

Tiffany's mouth slowly opened but it swiftly closed as Taeyeon's expectant eyes pined, making Tiffany parry her gaze on her arm and lamely check for the time.  The behavior Tiffany showed was disconcerting to Taeyeon. She couldn't believe how the person she longed for weeks finally stood before her. The countless times she sought pardon came rushing through her brain and despite her numerous attempts, Tiffany remained unreachable. Taeyeon realized by then how much agony she had caused and the hurt she had inflicted was probably more than enough to close their communication for life. Truth be told, she herself thought she wasn’t worthy to be forgiven. The fact that she had lied and betrayed her trust would make anyone a fool if she was taken back in their arms.

 

 

"Yeah? You were saying?" Taeyeon's voice then broke Tiffany's gaze on her wrist and looked back up. With a slightly hesitant murmur, she reached out, only to realize that the hand she wanted to hold was tucked inside the jacket’s pocket. She quickly withdrew her arm into her chest and spoke gingerly, “Sorry. Do you have enough time to talk? Maybe we could do it over a cup of coffee or something. If that’s alright with you. I mean, I'd understand if you would just go."

 

 

"No..." 

 

 

It was the opportunity Taeyeon was waiting for but mice ran wildly inside her chest, making her step back. She knew in her head she wanted forgiveness and maybe a penny of understanding but she also feared whether it was also a sign of goodbye, a closure for them both which she was unwilling to accept.

 

 

“No?” Tiffany asked, looking disappointed. 

 

 

“No, I mean...” Derailed from her stupor, Taeyeon swallowed hard. There was no way she was wasting another moment. If things were meant to be broken, then at least she had faced Tiffany with the courage for once.“Sorry. What I meant was yes... of course. Let's talk over coffee.”

 

 

She followed Tiffany after seeing the latter purse a small smile after acknowledging her invitation. It probably took a lot of effort from the latter, knowing wounds were not healing, and their meeting only chafed the gash, intensifying the sting of her mistake. Taeyeon had noticed how much the pain had affected Tiffany and she wished time had a rewind. 

 

 

The walk then was rather silent, both trudging with no words to the nearest café lounge. Despite the rush of people catching up to their flights, luggage bags rolling on the linoleum floor and children crying or zipping by while playing, the two remained taciturn like two tombstones lying next to each other. There was a literal dead air between them but there was also that impending flood of emotions held by a string of their pride.

 

 

This was the calm before the storm, Taeyeon thought as she closed her eyes and monologued more in her head. She glanced at her watch and calculated mentally as Tiffany ordered. A little over half an hour---that was all that was left for them. How she could condense all her thoughts in such a small window of time saddened her. Just a few minutes ago, she wished time could rewind and then at that point, she wanted time to slow down. It wasn't enough. So many thoughts were meant to be spoken and it upset her, yet, the moment Tiffany had handed her a cup of coffee and gestured for a two-seater table set-up by the glass window, all her worries dissolved. 

 

 

Sips and silence then filled the first minute they sat down. It was tough to judge who was to go first and what should be said. Who could blame them, anyway? The tension only built up until there was no more room to breathe.

 

 

“I’m sorry,” they both finally said at the same time, to which they paused in amusement and surprise. Tiffany let out an embarrassed chuckle while Taeyeon felt relieved.  Perceiving that kind of reaction from Tiffany relaxed her nerves, somehow. At least Tiffany didn’t want her dead like she thought she would. Yet, just seconds after, Taeyeon's smile collapsed. She was still reminded of her fault and Tiffany had noticed it, halting in the mid of her laugh.

 

 

“Sorry,” Taeyeon then continued, hoping that Tiffany would let her take all of the blame this time. “I’m just sorry, Pany-ah. I knew what I did was really wrong and I couldn't think of anyway I could really make up for what I did. I was to blame really... I could have---”

 

 

“Shush Tae,” Tiffany quickly argued but her voice was soft and careful. Her fingers fiddled with the lid of her coffee cup while she waited for Taeyeon to calm down. The intense pounding in Taeyeon’s heart started again but there was no backdoor to this confrontation anymore. If it was goodbye, then so be it.

 

 

When silence fell on them once again, Tiffany took her opportunity to speak. "Listen, I should be sorry, too. I was at fault at some point. Give me this chance to talk, alright?”

 

 

The podium was all for Tiffany to take. Taeyeon simply gave a nod in return.

 

 

“Thank you,” Tiffany suspired and spoke with heed, “I… I know I have said painful words to you. Really painful words. I wasn’t able to control myself. A part of me thinks you derserve them, even more if I could but somehow, I regret them now. No matter how mad I was, I shouldn't have lashed on you the way I did. For those, I’m sorry. I was just really mad and wanted to let my emotions out.”

 

 

Taeyeon saw the uneasiness and her heart crumbled. Their eyes even met for several seconds but Tiffany always gave in first, parrying her gaze elsewhere while fidgeting.  “Go on. I’m still listening,” Taeyeon coaxed and it was returned by a feeble nod from the other, thankfully. 

 

 

“I… I also knew you wanted us to somehow talk it out. You know. The typical mediator you," she started, looking down on her cup. "You... you have done everything just to approach me and patch things up, somehow. And I knew you only meant good and you were sincere and desperate but I was just too confused. I was still hurting really bad but I did not recognize that you were in the same boat as I was. To be honest, I was quite elated that you were in a bad shape because of it but it was wrong. For that, I’m sorry, too. I should have lessened my pride and reevaluated the situation faster. It was inconsiderate and close-minded on my part.”

 

 

Tiffany had squeezed the napkin that came along with their coffee and Taeyeon recognized Tiffany’s remorse.

 

 

“Pany-ah,” Taeyeon then started quite softly after clearing , “It's okay. I deserved it. I… I lied to you. I broke your trust. I was too engulfed with my own emotions that I let a mistake happen to us more than once. I realized that it was indeed a fault on my part for keeping that a secret and I don’t deserve to be forgiven. You acted right and justified. I understood that, thus I decided to just wait.” A tear unconsciously rolled down her cheek. “I couldn’t forgive myself, too. I was very stupid... a jerk and really dumb for keeping such a secret. Believe me, I would really understand if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me. I didn't want to make a mess out of your relationship with him so I planned on not telling you about it. However, I know now that was wrong. You didn’t have to say sorry for anything. I made the mistake.”

 

 

Tiffany took her paper cup and drank. Deep exhales followed and she waited on Taeyeon to finish before she calmly responded. Strangely, even though the sadness lingered in the cloud above their heads, it wasn’t exactly the raging storm they both had expected.

 

 

“But it wasn’t just your fault,” Tiffany contended. “To be honest, I wanted to delete us--you and me-- our friendship, and everything in between. I despised you so much. I hated you. But the longer I thought of the times and trials we’ve shared and the vast amount of memories I had with you alone, I realized I was wrong, too. I never thought of the consequences every time I drank myself to oblivion and although I sincerely could not remember anything from my blackouts before, it was not a legitimate reason for me to have put you in such a position. Despite everything, you still watched over me. You cared for me… you loved me.” Fingers traced the lining of Tiffany’s cup and for the first time after their conflict, Tiffany looked at Taeyeon straight in the eyes with utmost sincerity. “Tae, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so harsh to you these past weeks. I didn't mean it. I was hurt.”

 

 

Taeyeon shook her head and smiled. Her heart was swelling from the idea that reconciliation was right before her eyes. “Pany-ah… you seriously don't have to apologize... it was all my fault.”

 

 

“But I’m really sorry, Tae...”

 

 

A thud was all that Taeyeon heard and the next seconds became bliss. All she knew then was that she had her arms around her best friend and Tiffany was already upon her neck, sobbing and holding her tight, just the same way as the times they didn’t want to let go of each other. The hug even went tighter and although people were already staring at them, she reciprocated and circled Tiffany’s frame in her embrace.

 

 

“Hey... It’s alright," she cooed as her hand soothed Tiffany’s back. "Stop crying, You know I hate it when you cry..."

 

 

“Tae, forgive me.”

 

 

The intensity of their embrace heightened and Taeyeon couldn't be happier knowing Tiffany was back in her arms. “Sssh. Look, there’s nothing to forgive from your part. I should be the one asking you that. Forgive me...”

 

 

“You know you’re forgiven. I can’t stay mad at you at all, you should know that. And I hate you for it.“ Tiffany wrapped her hands behind Taeyeon and dug her head under the latter’s chin. The sobs had slowly soothed and Tiffany's muscles slackened against Taeyeon's frame.“I... I hate what happened to us. this, really. you and what you did. Why did you have to go and let all of it happen like that? you.”

 

 

A small smile had spread on Taeyeon’s cheek and she caressed Tiffany’s back to calm her down. “Hey. You’re not drunk so no bad words, please? Or are you drunk right now?”

 

 

A hand slapped Taeyeon’s back harshly but Taeyeon bore the pain while Tiffany finally recluded in the embrace. “Very funny, Tae. Way to remind me everything. you though.” 

 

 

“Hmm.”

 

 

Seconds followed their embrace and they both just became quiet, feeling each other’s warmth. Judging by the grip, they knew that they missed and mean so much to each other. Whatever it was, friendship or love didn’t matter, what was important was that moment of sobriety into their relationship.

 

 

“I missed you so much,” Taeyeon whispered as another tear left to fall, “I care for you a lot, Tiffany. I really do.”

 

 

“I know that Tae,” Tiffany whispered back between gasps. “I care, too... but--”

 

 

Taeyeon squeezed Tiffany tight and released. In the end, she still felt guilty and she honestly didn't know when she would stop feeling that way. “But I’ve hurt you too much with what I did. I don’t exactly know how to start from here. I just want to let everything heal and get sober. I do know though that you still mean as much to me as before. However, I know things aren’t going to be the same. Right? ”

 

 

There wasn’t a reply heard from the redhead this time. Tiffany’s sobs quieted and their embrace weakened but still, there was the reluctance of release. At some point Taeyeon started swaying on her decision. Yuri was right. She did make changes on the last minute. Somehow, she felt Tiffany loved her back. And maybe…just maybe, they could really patch things up by not leaving.

 

 

“P—Pany-ah, do… do you want me to stay?” Taeyeon asked.

 

 

Tiffany pulled out from the embrace and swiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. Taeyeon’s heart plummeted into the pits of her stomach. Tiffany’s tears were still her fault.

 

 

Tiffany sniffed and pulled herself together, later shaking her head. “No.”

 

 

No? Taeyeon watched in another shock as Tiffany stood up and went back to her seat.

 

 

“Should I just stay here instead with you?” she asked again, hoping she heard wrong.

 

 

Tiffany shook her head again sideways. “No," she said looking straight. "You should go. You deserve that training overseas. You and Yuri have worked your hardest just to get recognized. Don’t throw the opportunity away.”

 

 

“But…” Taeyeon, although bewildered, tried to make sense of it. The period when they embraced and forgave each other totally gave her a different understanding. Or was she just putting herself in another delusion? “But… you… coming here… the apologies, the hug…. you didn’t come here to stop me?”

 

 

Tiffany’s blank expression only spiraled Taeyeon to despair. “No, Tae. I didn’t.” She pulled out from her bag a passport with a ticket clipped to it. “I’m heading to LA.”

 

 

And the realization hit Taeyeon, more like a bucket of ice water to a drunkard again.

 

 

“I… I see it now,” she responded in obvious disappointment. “So you… you and oppa are…”

 

 

“I have matters to fix back home. He had gone ahead before me a few days ago,” answered Tiffany in a careful tone and took some table napkins to dab the tears.

 

 

“Oh.” Taeyeon’s heart crashed to the floor but only she could hear it.

 

 

This was expected though, she kept repeating in her head. They were just a couple of months away from the wedding, who was she to stop it? Tiffany still loved him, not her. What mattered then was that Tiffany forgave her for her mistakes and at least they were back to being friends. She should at least be happy for them. The happy best friend Taeyeon had to be happy for them.

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany added.

 

 

“For what this time?” Taeyeon asked, so soft it was as if life was pulled out from her soul.

 

 

“I’m just sorry, Tae. I don’t want to do this but I have to... for now.”

 

 

“No, it’s okay.” Taeyeon managed to squeeze out the words from choking. “I understand the situation."

 

 

The external background noise diffused again to silence between them. The tears that once trailed their cheeks had dried up, making them somber.

 

 

“Pany-ah?”

 

 

“Yes, Tae.”

 

 

“We’re still best friends, right? Even after everything?”

 

 

“I…” Tiffany stammered but she was honest at least. “I don’t know Tae. Maybe. We’ll see. It’s hard to know how we go from here. I’m honestly scared but I have things to do first. I've made up my mind and we'll get there, okay?"

 

 

“Oh okay, I get it. It’ll take time to build what was broken. I’m just glad you haven’t completely shut me off from your life then.”

 

 

Tiffany shuffled in her seat and looked at a dismal Taeyeon. She thought carefully on how she could phrase her words and spoke again. “I... I booked my flight a couple of weeks ago without the intention to stop you from leaving but the past days got me thinking that I had to fix certain matters first. By the time I made a realization, I figured I should go back home and talk with my family. You’re very important to me Taeyeon. I just can’t turn the other cheek to that fact and so is he..."

 

 

“I see then.” Taeyeon interjected, almost shutting off. It was bound to happen, anyway. Those scenes in the airport from the movies were never meant to happen in real life. “Thanks… Thank you for giving me at least a chance.”

 

 

Tiffany pulled her bag back on her lap and took out a white square envelope. On the back was a silver print of Taeyeon’s name in italics and Taeyeon had a hunch on what it was even before Tiffany had lay it down on the table.

 

 

“Here.”

 

 

“What’s this?”  Taeyeon lifted the envelope and felt the bedecked card inside. She then knew she was right, judging from the formality of the font on the cover. “Oh. This...”

 

 

“Be there?” Tiffany quickly asked, expecting a yes.

 

 

“Pany-ah…” However, Taeyeon remained reluctant. She wanted friendship but the paper in her hand and the pounding of her heart contradicted to a point she was having second thoughts---again.

 

 

“Don’t open it until you come back here in the next two months. Just promise me that,” Tiffany added, enfolding her hands over Taeyeon’s. There was that warmth and even though it was rational to say no, Taeyeon knew she just couldn’t fight it. “I… I don’t know Pany-ah. This might be too much for you to ask.”

 

 

“Please Tae? You trust me, right? Just think about it and be there. It will mean so much for me if you would come.”

 

 

“I…” she sighed aloud. How could she say no when she loves her more than life---her life? Shoulders slumped and she had no choice but to give up. What was the use of fighting her emotions? In the end, she’d suffer anyway and she was willing to do so just to gain back Tiffany in some way.

 

 

“Okay,” she said as she squeezed her eyes shut. She hated how this was going but she understood where she stands. “I… I’ll be there for you. For you and h---”

 

 

“All passengers of Korean Air flight W8139 bound for Tokyo, Japan are now requested to enter Gate 27. We will start boarding in 10 minutes. Priority boarding will be given first to the elderly and those with children. The rest will be allowed to enter by section starting from rows…”

 

 

“That’s you, I assume.” Tiffany intercepted as she stood up from her seat with Taeyeon immediately following, envelope then tucked in her palm.

 

 

“Ah… yeah. Right.”

 

 

They walked out of the lounge and stalled as people passed by them rushing to the gate yet Taeyeon felt like she didn’t have the energy left to move. She did, however, had enough to shred the paper in her hands. 

 

 

"So, I guess we’ll part for now?” Taeyeon's voice cracked.

 

 

“Yes, it’s for the best, Tae. I want you to become good in what you do,” Tiffany said in a much more cheerful tone which surprised Taeyeon. Unbeknownst to her, Tiffany herself was also trying her best not to break down, “well, not just well but the best. I wish you luck. I mean it.”

 

 

Taeyeon managed to smile back, convincing herself to feel better. “Ah yeah, you, too. I only wish you happiness. You and...  Well, you know, I’ll be here always by your side when you need me.”

 

 

“Thanks,” said Tiffany as she grabbed Taeyeon’s hand. “I appreciate that.”

 

 

“Finally! There you are Taengoo! Gosh! I’ve been looking all over for you! I’ve called you like five times and realized you left your phone. We’re about to board---“ a perplexed Yuri berated Taeyeon like she was her mother but stopped once she recognized the redhead. “Tiffany… you’re here! Wait, what--? What’s going on?”

 

 

“Hello Yuri. It's been a while.”

 

 

Yuri carefully observed Tiffany who took a step away from Taeyeon and had let go of their hands. A swirling confusion spiraled into the secretary’s head but she slowed down to comprehend the situation. “Wait, so… Tiffany’s here.  Does that mean you two are okay now? Are you coming with us to Japan or am I going alone?” Yuri panned from one girl to another waiting for some good news.

 

 

“Neither,” explained Taeyeon immediately in a monotone. A lengthy explanation was due for Yuri during the flight so before things became awkward, she took the first step forward and yanked the taller girl’s arm. ”C’mon, let’s go. We have a plane to board.”

 

 

“But Tae,” Yuri argued, realizing she might have interrupted something important. “Geez, why can’t you two just be together like you two are supposed to be? Do I really have to hit your heads together to bring some sense here? You both love each other! C'mon. Any blind person could see th---”

 

 

“Tae,” Tiffany called out, reaching her hand to tug at Taeyeon’s jacket and silencing Yuri at the same time. The latter immediately paused in her tracks, hesitating if she should turn around.  Yuri immediately pulled her arm away from Taeyeon and stepped back, giving them space.

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

Taeyeon stared at people passing by her like a blur. It didn't make sense. She wanted an alternate ending to this airport scene.

 

 

“Can…  Can I at least get a hug from you again before you go?”

 

 

Her heart scrunched, the same way the envelope crushed in her palm as Tiffany’s arm hooked into hers. Time could only tell if she really would keep her promise and come back in two months. Yet, she knew deep inside, as a true friend and for someone who fell deeply for Tiffany, she had to do as what was asked of her.

 

 

“Yeah, of course," she replied, "a hug it is.”

 

 

Taeyeon turned around slowly and Tiffany had crashed against her torso even before she could fully face her. Two long arms then slipped around her small waist and Taeyeon took a few seconds before she wrapped her arms around Tiffany’s shoulders. She didn’t know what to feel anymore. She was confused and she wanted to remain there, standing in time. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest and she couldn’t decipher whether she could also feel Tiffany’s heart beating at the same time as hers.

 

 

Taeyeon loved her too much and she could only wish Tiffany did the same way.

 

 

“Take care of yourself, okay? Call me. Contact me. I’ll make time for you like you always did for me. You mean the world to me, Tae,” Tiffany mumbled in a rapid fire, almost muffled from the awaiting sob.

 

 

“You…” Taeyeon replied, hands wrapped around Tiffany’s waist when she loosened her grip, "you, too."

 

 

“I love you, Tae.”

 

 

Taeyeon’s eyes widened upon the whisper of those four words. Regardless of the context, the words still mattered to her. If only Tiffany meant it the way Taeyeon wanted to understand.

 

 

“I…“Taeyeon paused and up her tears, much like a newly built damn holding the raging river. Maybe Japan wasn’t really a bad idea after all.

 

 

“I have to go…”

 

 

 

------------

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Taengoo. Wassup?”

 

 

“You’re back.”

 

 

“Yup.” Yuri entered the small studio with plastic bags in hand and her satchel hanging around her neck. She looked at Taeyeon who was busy going over different parchments and books, all laid around in their living room. She then settled the groceries on their countertops, which were literally just a couple steps away from the television which was blaring random japanese pop music. “Got us some milk, bread, the basics and some more groceries. I’m cooking cream pasta and grilled salmon tonight so quit moping around.”

 

 

Taeyeon lifted her head from the slides in her hands and glanced at Yuri momentarily before taking an interest back in her notes. “I’m not moping. I’m reading and studying. The modules given to us were like twice as thick as those encyclopedias in the library and we still have about five thousand paintings to check and memorize.” She flipped another slide in her hands and mumbled. “I can’t believe you even have the time to make fancy meals right now.”

 

 

Yuri groaned at the reminder. “You don’t think I didn’t know about that? Geez, study… that’s all you ever do.”

 

 

“ And it’s what you should be doing, too,” Taeyeon retorted while changing to the next slide and mentally adding notes. Yuri just scowled at Taeyeon’s bleak demeanor. “Smartass. If you must know, this is my way of relaxing for now. Just to clear my head. I need a break from it all, even for just a night. We've been doing nothing but study for two months. I’m not like you, Taengoo, who prefers to brood and coop up in your own little room afraid of human contact. It’s not the zombie apocalypse yet, Taeng. At least go out or have a break.”

 

 

“Waste of time,” commented Taeyeon, still focused on studying. “Just cook will you? I’m getting hungry.”