#11 - “Can’t you pretend to love me? Just once.”

SugaKookie

Word count: 5043

I got carried away >< oops

When you’re in a relationship weren’t you supposed to feel happy and have cute fluffy moments, hold hands, hug, just be intimate in a way that’s special to the two people in the relationship? Get mad at each other and make up? Send I miss you’s even when you were two feet away and be able to let that other person see you cry or be weak? Maybe Jungkook was just watching too many dramas with all of their wrist grabs, that he secretly loved but would never admit to if anyone asked him. Not even his boyfriend. Well, maybe if he was asked in just the right way but no, no he would. Shaking his head, fluffy brown hair flying back and forth, he cleared those embarrassing thoughts. Saying that to Yoongi would be so embarrassing and probably a moot point.

It had been two months and three weeks and they still hadn’t done anything different in their relationship except confessed to each other so many days ago. Everything had been exactly the same as before they were together. He knew that Yoongi had to go to work and that he was busy being the producer that he was. That wasn’t what he was complaining about. Jungkook was pretty busy himself and the two had always made time for each other but that was still the same as before. They hung out often after work and on the weekends if they didn’t have any extra work. Often times Hoseok and Jimin were with them too. If not then Taehyung was around. Which wasn’t a bad thing, they had fun together, playing games, watching movies, going to the court to play basketball. It was just a normal day in the life of friends.

Jungkook wanted to sit next to Yoongi with their friends in the room and hold his hand. Even just Yoongi’s hand on his thigh, no knee would be fine. Except that contact very rarely occurred and if he initiated then the other would allow it for a few moments and then re-position himself so that they had their own boundaries again. Sure, his boyfriend would make sure to send him a text every night before he went to bed and Jungkook would send the one in the morning but that was the extent of their romantic couple life. Let’s be real he’s not looking for romance just a bit more affection.

Jungkook couldn’t say that he was perfect. It wasn’t very often that he extended that branch to Yoongi but he was also very self-conscious about it. He wasn’t sure that Yoongi wanted to be touched in those ways or spoken to in such a manner. It was easier for Jungkook to send a quick text telling him that he missed Yoongi but it was never really initiated by the elder and even though he would reply back with a ‘Me too’ it was hard for the younger to take it as it was said. Instead he worried about if maybe his hyung was just appeasing him. He didn’t want to be too needy and truly he didn’t think he was a needy person until…well until this relationship blossomed with Yoongi. Now he was questioning all kinds of things. It was driving him crazy and showed.

Jimin watched as Jungkook moved his body to the music mindless and passionless, there was no soul, no connect with any emotion let alone the music and he kept messing up a turn here, a jump there, a sway of his arms here. It was horrible. Stopping the music abruptly, Jimin crossed his arms across his chest and stared at the sweat rolling down Jungkook’s forehead and neck. It looked like the kid was working hard but he wasn’t. “Hyung?!” Jungkook called to him shocked that the music stopped. “What are you thinking about?” Jungkook stared at him for a moment letting the words sink in and then his eyes shift away ever so slightly. “About this upcoming performance. I need to practice hyung. Start the music.” There was a show the two were going to perform in. It was one that they did with their students but the kids always preferred to see the instructors dance not only because it was a good show but it gave them their own fire to remember that could be them one day or better and it gave the parents reassurance that their kids instructors truly knew what they were teaching. “Don’t lie to me Jeon Jungkook. It doesn’t suit you.”

Walking away from Jimin, he went over and grabbed the towel off of his bag and wiped his face and neck free of sweat. “I won’t go on stage with you looking like this. It’s an embarrassment. Not only to me but the company, your students and most certainly yourself.” It wasn’t unusual for Jimin to be harsh when it came to getting Jungkook on track. He was never mean about it but he told the younger what he needed to hear at least he always did when it came to dance. Both of them were very passionate and serious about their jobs. Rubbing the back of his neck, Jungkook looked at his phone that was lying on his bad without any blue blinking light to let him know he had a message.

Involuntarily he let out a sigh leaning against the bar hoisted to the wall he let his head hang. “Sorry, hyung. I just… I don’t.. ugh…” he roughly ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “I don’t even know what I don’t know. Yoongi-“ A clucking noise could be heard coming from Jimin. Of course it was Yoongi hyung. Jimin walked over to Jungkook and pulled him away from the bar to take a seat on the practice room floor with him. Jungkook stretched out and laid his head in his hyung’s lap. “He’s not ignoring you again is he?” The younger had his eyes closed but opened one to stare at Jimin a little harder than anticipated, “He wasn’t ignoring me before…but no he’s not.” Closing his eyes again, he laid there trying to collect his thoughts and explain this without sounding like he was just a needy little 15 year old which he wasn’t. He was 25 years old and a man. Hah, sometimes he really didn’t feel like a man. Now, being one of them.

Jimin’s small hand found its way in Jungkook’s hair and he threaded his fingers through the younger's hair over and over. The action itself made Jungkook relax considerably. Exclaiming excitedly, “This! Hyung, just this. Why can’t he do that?” A soft chuckle filled the air, “Play with your hair, Kookie? Is that all.” Clenching his fists, he forced himself to relax and not get more frustrated than he already was. It wasn’t Jimin’s fault that he was like this and the man was only trying to help him. “No hyung, I mean things like that. Hold my hand in public or give me a kiss randomly or you know… just hug me whenever and wherever because he wants to. Even in private he doesn’t do it much. I just don’t want to bother him if he doesn’t but I also don’t want to be the only one to initiate it you know? Do I sound needy? I feel like I am and I hate that.” The longer Jungkook rambled the more depressed he became. He just didn’t know how to go about to fix this without potentially messing everything up. More important to him than affection from Yoongi was just having him in his life. He didn’t want to push the man in the other direction. Jungkook needed him more than he needed or wanted to be selfish.

A smile played at his friend's lips as he continued to run his fingers through the younger's hair and reached over to rub his arm in comfort. “I don’t think you’re being too needy Kookie, but we all have needs and there’s nothing wrong with that. Even Yoongi has his even if they aren’t as frequent as yours and definitely not mine.” He laughed and Jungkook did too. Jimin was definitely more needy than Jungkook was but he found it cute even if he ignored most of Jimin’s advances at skinship. Taehyung was even worse than Jimin, that kid had to be touching someone somewhere at all times or he couldn’t settle down. No personal boundaries with that one. Rolling onto his back, Jungkook laid there still not ready to open his eyes and face the person he was talking to. It was still embarrassing but this, this he could do.

“I just don’t know how to fix it hyung. I-I don’t want to push him away.” The caution, frustration and sadness could all be heard from that one sentence. It made the elder frown, he didn’t like seeing his best friend like this but there wasn’t much he could do. This was something him and Yoongi would have to sort out on their own. Outsiders didn’t need to get mixed up in it. “I don’t think that will happen. Yoongi hyung is very understanding but nothing will be fixed if you don’t let him know Kook-ah.” Gazing down at his friends scrunched up in defiance face, Jimin flicked him on the forehead, “Don’t you scrunch your nose at me you brat. I’m trying to help you here.” They both laughed but Jungkook quickly settled back into a nervous silence. “Just talk to him, hmm? If he doesn’t understand I’ll talk to him.” Boy, was he such a er for the brunette lying on his lap right there. He truly was, always caved for Jungkook but he was his best friend and Jimin truly would do anything for the guy. Taking in a deep breath, Jungkook nodded. He always felt better when he talked to Jimin. Leaning forward, Jimin placed a soft kiss to his forehead that made Jungkook open his eyes and look up at his hyung. It wasn’t anything much. Jimin had done this to Jungkook before it was more on the rare side but every now and then when the elder was feeling especially affectionate towards the younger he would.

A soft smile spread across Jungkook’s lips, “Thank you, hyung.” He reached up and patted Jimin’s cheek which only earned him some hardened eyes. Laughter bubbled up and Jungkook quickly rolled away from Jimin and got to his feet. The next minute Jimin was on his and chasing after the younger across the room. “Get back here you cheeky brat. So condescending, you jerk.” Looking behind him as he darted out of Jimin’s reach and immaturely stuck his tongue out only outraging the elder further. The playful fight came to a stop when Jungkook skidded to a halt only mere inches in front of Yoongi. The dark haired, blue beanie clad man looked at his boyfriend. There wasn’t any expression on his face, it was a blank mask. Jungkook had seen them plenty of times before sometimes they didn’t mean much but other times it meant he was keeping his real feelings bubbling below the surface. Today, he was getting mixed feelings and the smile slipped from his face. “I had thought we could get dinner together but if you’re busy I could just bring you something for later.”

Jungkook stood uneasy in front of his boyfriend, not knowing what to do with his hands so he rubbed the back of his neck. Nervous tick. “Um,” He looked back at Jimin because they both knew that he needed to practice but Jimin just waved him off and went back over to the music and started it for himself. “Sure hyung, let’s go eat. I just need to shower real quick.” He pointed down at his white shirt that was practically see-through all the way to his mid chest and definitely sticking to his back. Yoongi nodded, moving aside so they could leave. Jungkook’s fingers twitched at his side, eyes glancing at Yoongi’s hand before darting back to directly in front of him. He let their fingers brush but frowned when Yoongi pulled his away and stuffed them in his pockets.

They didn’t go anywhere fancy, in fact the minute Jungkook mentioned lamb skewers his boyfriend agreed. They went to their favorite street vendor and ordered perhaps one too many orders of lamb skewers. It was an overall good time. They talked about work on both ends, music because that was always a topic when they were together. If it wasn’t Yoongi showing him a new artist then it was Jungkook doing so. Really it was just nice to have some casual conversation with his boyfriend. The two had been busy lately and sometimes when they were together it was still while doing work but just being in the same room. It was something that Jungkook actually enjoyed. Just being in Yoongi’s presence could calm and relax him. He hoped that the other felt the same as well. Though the talking was nice, it was the same, the walk to the lamb skewers stand and from the lamb skewers stand to Jungkook’s apartment. They didn’t live together and that talk had never come up it wasn’t something that even Jungkook thought about. Too soon for that and if the issues he was currently having already weren’t present enough, moving in certainly wasn’t a solution.

Grabbing Yoongi’s hand in both of his Jungkook pulled him towards his door. “Come in for a while, hyung?” He swayed back and forth with a soft and eager smile on his lips. He wasn’t up to anything mischievous he just wanted to spend more time with his boyfriend. The blank expression was back but Yoongi shift his gaze and Jungkook couldn’t see it anymore. After a moment of silence, Yoongi took his hand back and put it in the pocket of his leather jacket. “I don’t think-“ His face fell immediately and dropped his arms by his side. “What did I do?” This got Yoongi’s attention and he looked up at Jungkook and shook his head. “Nothing.”

Letting out a scoff, Jungkook’s eyes hardened as he stared at the one person who wasn’t supposed to lie to him no matter what. “Don’t lie to me. I saw your expression when you stopped by the studio, the same one you gave me just a minute ago. I’m not dumb, something is wrong.” Before he could stop himself he reached out a hand to Yoongi but the elder flinched just enough for Jungkook to notice. That was more than the last straw. He didn’t know previously how to approach his boyfriend about the issues he’s been having but now he was forced to.

This.

This hurt.

He didn’t want to feel this way, he didn’t want to be too needy and he didn’t want to hurt Yoongi but something had to give. If Yoongi didn’t want to be with him anymore then he needed to just say it. Was that so hard? Why couldn’t the man he cared so much about just show some of that feeling to him? He used to. All the time, what was so different now? Hell, he’d take a damn pat on the head at this point. Maybe they had made a mistake. The thought of that made his heart constrict painfully. Jungkook didn’t believe that and didn’t want to believe it but he was at a loss and it just hurt. He wanted to give everything to Yoongi, to share everything, to make him smile but it didn’t seem like he could even do that.

“Can’t you pretend to love me? Just once.” The words came out so soft, they were almost a whisper. Even still they delivered a flawless punch right in the gut to Yoongi. He didn’t even know what to say. The two just stared right out in the middle of Jungkook’s apartment complex hallway. Yoongi stared at Jungkook and watched how sadness and frustration filled the previously bright, adorable and most lovable person on the planet while Jungkook couldn’t even hold Yoongi’s gaze. Grabbing Jungkook’s wrist, he pulled the younger into his apartment and let the door slam behind them. Pressing the younger up against that very door, he stared long and hard at his boyfriend. Jungkook was squirming in his skin, he had always been easily susceptible to Yoongi’s intense charcoal eyes that drew him in for days. Now, though they made him squirm in conflicting ways. He was nervous, oh so nervous as to what was going to be said next but a small part of him down in his core was shaking in excitement. He shouldn’t be feeling like that, he knew that but he couldn’t help it.

“Why must I pretend? Don’t you do it enough?”

Raising his eyes to meet Yoongi’s the two stared at each other. There was a storm brewing, he could see it swirling in the elder’s eyes. He might be shorter than Jungkook but that really didn’t mean anything at all. He had learned that ages ago and wouldn’t underestimate him again. At first he felt a pang at Yoongi’s question. He couldn’t even give him a small moment of fantasy that they felt the same way about each other. Then the second question plagued Jungkook’s mind and he didn’t know what was going on anymore.

“Do what? When do I ever pretend? I’m always reaching for you and you’re always running away.” Yoongi still had Jungkook’s wrist in his hand and he involuntarily began to clench. The younger didn’t say anything, in fact he barely felt it much too focused on the man in front of him and figuring out what the hell was going on. How could even think that?! “Don’t make me repeat what I saw in the practice room today, Jeon Jungkook,” the elder spit out, grinding his teeth in the process.

Furrowing his brow, Jungkook was trying to remember what had gone on in the practice room. Jimin had been helping him figure out what to do with the person in front of him. They talked, joked, chased each other. Nothing really out of the norm. “Hyung, I don’t know what yo- Oh…” Yoongi pushed off of the wall then and took a few more steps inside of Jungkook’s apartment giving himself some space to breathe. “Yeah, Ohhh.” He spat out sarcastically.

“Is that why you’ve been cold...Why you won’t touch me?” Jungkook wasn’t quite sure how to feel about this. It was sort of amusing, Yoongi had clearly been jealous of Jimin and their normal everyday skinship but in the next breath he was kind of annoyed. This wasn’t anything new. Yoongi understood this was how the two of them were. More specifically Jimin because 90% of the time Jungkook shrugged Jimin off and told him to go rub all over someone else.

Yoongi kept his back to the younger and tried to control his voice. “I...can’t,” he trailed off and Jungkook remained against the door quietly waiting. Giving the other time to find his words. “It’s just...ugh, Jungkook-ah I don’t want to be that way but… How would you feel after watching Hoseok run his fingers through my hair, kiss me and me caress him like that? I just can’t do it. Why are we even together?” He rubbed his chin before turning around to face his for the moment boyfriend.

Jungkook wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready for it at all. in a breath, it was like seeing an entirely different person. Yoongi had dropped all of his walls, the man was standing in front of him with so much emotion, hurt, pain, love maybe swimming in his eyes and his shoulders sunk. He looked defeated and that sent a sharp pain to Jungkook’s heart. Clearly the two of them were a bunch of fools. Why didn’t he just talk to Yoongi earlier? If he had this could have been fixed. He wanted so bad to touch Yoongi, to comfort him, squeeze his hand, caress his cheek and let him know that he loved him. Because he did, he loved Yoongi so much. He had loved Yoongi from before they had even gotten together officially. The elder was the one who was slow on the catch up.

“Yoongi-yah,” Jungkook spoke softly, cautiously and was sad to see that even calling his name hurt his boyfriend. It was amazing how intimacy can actually hurt someone more than anything else. “I don’t have any romantic feelings or even ual feelings for Jimin hyung. He’s my best friend. You know this. He’s always been fond of skinship.” Before he could continue Yoongi cut him off with a grumble, “It feels like more.” Taking a small step forward, Jungkook kept his annoyance at bay now was not the time for it. “If you want me to ask Jimin to stop with the skinship then I will but more importantly I need you to believe me when I tell you that you, Min Yoongi, are the only person that I want to love me.” He was standing a few inches in front of the dark haired man and slipped his hand in the others giving it a squeeze. Prompting Yoongi to look at him.

It took a moment but Yoongi finally raised his eyes to met Jungkook’s. “All I’ve wanted for the last three years, yes three years is for you to show me even an ounce of the love that I have for you.” He had never actually admitted to Yoongi that he had been pining after him for three years. That was embarrassing and he didn’t really think it was necessary but tonight was proving otherwise. A flicker of shock shone through those charcoal eyes and the elder bit the inside of his cheek remaining quiet for a moment. “That’s a long time.” Jungkook only nodded. They had known each other for five years and he had been in denial for about six months so maybe it was actually three in a half years that he had fallen so very hard for the man in front of him. Yoongi didn’t need to know the specifics though. No, he was at least keeping that to himself. Maybe one day he’d share. “I don’t want to be that type of person that tells you, your friends can’t do things with you.” Did Jungkook ever mention that Yoongi was one of the cutest people he knew? Because he was. Yes, the man was quite grumpy and certainly told people just how things were but he could also be one of the cutest people. He generally showed his love in quieter ways and Jungkook was okay with that but every now and then he needed a bit more. “It’s okay, Jimin is really frustrating sometimes I’l-”

Yoongi shook his head, “No. Leave him be. I need to deal with it.” Jungkook nodded and let that drop. If that was the way he wanted it then that’s how it would be. He was actually swelling with a bit of pride. Yoongi his lips nervously, “Uh...You said...Have I hurt you?” he wanted to look away from Jungkook because he was feeling like for hurting the other when he had very much been way too jealous over nothing. Just looking in Jungkook’s eyes had spelled everything out for him even now he was spelling it out again. As much as Jungkook found his eyes intense, Yoongi found Jungkook’s eyes to be the most expressive part of him. They really bared his soul. He didn’t need Jungkook to say anything he already knew. “Ah,” Yoongi coughed and cleared his throat, the relief he had been feeling just a moment ago was gone and his heart was shrouded in darkness. He hadn’t meant to hurt Jungkook but he did and he knew that it was all his fault.

“We’ve been together for almost 3 months and I-I know that’s not very long but… Hyung,” Yoongi knows that whenever the younger is unsure or nervous he’ll revert back to calling him hyung in certain situations. “It feels like we’re back to being friends when I first met you. Even as friends you acknowledged me more. I just you know, want to be more affection…” Jungkook trailed off, his ears growing pink as he blushes, “hold your hand in private and public...y’know?” His eyes didn’t quite reach Yoongi’s but that didn’t bother the elder. Did Yoongi ever mention that Jungkook was the most adorable person he knew? He could light up a room with barely the twitch of his lips. His eyes sparkled when he was excited even about the simplest things and that cheeky, sassy side of him even when it was frustrating was still so adorable. Jungkook didn’t pretend to be something he wasn’t and Yoongi loved that about him.

Placing his thumb and forefinger underneath Jungkook’s chin and raised it up so that he was looking into his eyes, “I think about it every time you’re next to me and even when I’m in my studio. You’re constantly distracting me.” He had already opened up so much he might as well go all the way. Not to mention, Yoongi really didn’t want Jungkook to misunderstand him. There was another reason why he hadn’t been very affectionate besides being jealous of Jimin. There were actually two reasons and neither one he felt completely comfortable expressing but he would. “I know it’s dumb but you make me nervous. I’m only confident in music. That’s my niche. You...well, you mess up all of my emotions. Constant roller-coaster but also… Sometimes it’s just safer for me to keep my hands to myself.”

Jungkook blinked and blinked again. Did he just hear that correctly? Min Yoongi just said he was shy and that he couldn’t control himself? No, he had to have heard that wrong. “I? I make you nervous?” That was as much eye contact as Yoongi could handle, god this was embarrassing. He coughed, “Sometimes.” Letting go of Jungkook’s hand he went to take a step back but an arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer. “You’re doing it again.” The elder gulped and nodded. He was, it was such a subconscious act now. “So, when we’re with the guys, you debate on holding my hand?” A grin had spread over Jungkook’s face and it was that cheeky one Yoongi had just been thinking was adorable. Nope. Wrong. What was he thinking?! Looking off to the side he nodded.

Jungkook didn’t stop there and walked Yoongi the two steps into the wall of the entrance way into his apartment. Looking down at him, hand resting on the elders hip, “And when we’re alone want to…” he leaned in close right next to Yoongi’s ear breath warm against it, about to mention something specific. That was the fastest Jungkook has ever seen Yoongi move. He pushed Jungkook in the chest, back until he was pressed up against the other wall. “Don’t press me, Jungkook.” he growled, eyes glinting red and staring directly into the others. A shiver ran down his spine and arms s around Yoongi’s shoulders. “That was hot hyung and so was earlier with the wrist grab.” Yoongi raised a brow at the man in front of him. “Yeah?” his voice was gruff and fingers played with the hairs at the nape of his neck.  

Jungkook bit his lip and nodded slowly, “Really hot.” Hips pressed against his while Yoongi hummed in affirmation of this news. Leaning in he claimed those thin soft lusciously pink lips he had been dying to kiss for ages now, with his own. The kiss was slow but it was warm and the longer their lips were press together the warmer it got. Yoongi slid his tongue along Jungkook’s bottom lip before taking it in between his teeth entirely, tugging and on it before letting it go. His lip was swollen and red but that was the least of his worries. That was a tease and Jungkook couldn’t help but slide his hand underneath Yoongi’s beanie and pull on his hair, which elicited a deep chuckle from the other. Pressing his forehead against Jungkook’s he said quietly, “I love you, Jungkook-ah.” It wasn’t something that had been established before and while Yoongi had never admitted it, that feeling had been evolving for quite a long time.

Opening the door to his practice room, Jungkook and Yoongi walked just past the threshold hand in hand. Jungkook was about to let go and put his bad down but the other pulled him back and kissed him chastely on the lips once, twice before letting him go. “Work hard, Jungkook-ah.” The younger quirked his brow and then pouted. “Aren’t you supposed to tell me not to work too hard?” Yoongi chuckled and shook his head. “No, I know you’re better than that. Call me when you’re done.” He squeezed his hand before letting go but Jungkook pulled him back once more and kissed his cheek. Shaking his head, Yoongi left the room with a silly smile on his lips.

Jimin finally cleared his throat from the corner of the room. “Uh, what the hell was that display?” Crossing his arms and staring down the younger for all the juicy details. Jungkook just shrugged and just walked over to the side of the room setting his bag down. “He dropped me off on his way to work. Come on, we have to get this down before next weekend. Can’t have the students showing me up.” He said to his best friend as he went to set up the music. Jimin was still eyeing him, “After you’re telling me everything. Not one detail missed!” Jimin walked up to Jungkook and poked him in the chest as if he was going to kick his if he didn’t listen to his hyung. Laughing he nodded, “Alright, hyung whatever you say.” Pressing the play button, the two immediately went into professional mode and started their routine once again. This time running through it much smoother than before.