#57/26 - “To be honest, I just want you.”/"I'll always come if you call"

TaeJin

Word Count: 3,368

This is actually a part two to an earlier drabble request in this series #48 Quote TaeJin ~ If anyone is interested in reading it first or even after. It's chapter 10.

 

The door was closed.

 

It had been weeks, no months since he closed that door himself. The door wasn’t opened, it hadn’t even been cracked the slightest. His phone was still lying on the table without even the flicker of the blue led light indicating a message. Even when there was, it was never the person he wanted it to be. Whom he still wanted it to be. The fact that he was lying on the couch clad in three day old black sweatpants and just as old matching tee, one leg hanging off and the couch, his long arm covering his arms and his chestnut hair, well let’s just say a birds nest had seen better days.

 

The familiar click of Jimin’s tongue could be heard and promptly ignored. Even his best friend had basically given up on him. No one knew what to do with him anymore, not even Taehyung himself. It had been five years that they had been together and even though five years wasn’t even a quarter of his life it still felt like it had been his entire life.

 

Kim Seokjin…

 

His sighs were becoming a permanent fixture in his friend's apartment.

 

Kim Seokjin had a part of Taehyung’s heart and soul that he just couldn’t seem to get back. He had walked the walk and talked the talk all for the sake of not letting his best friend who was trying so hard, smile to falter but they had passed that stage now. Faking it didn’t help, embracing it didn’t really help. Talking about it definitely didn’t help, he just ended up in tears and then Jimin was stuck rubbing his back for hours until the man fell asleep. Jimin ranting about Seokjin being an asshat most definitely didn’t help, it only pissed Taehyung off. Even though he understood what his friend was trying to do it didn’t help.

 

Alcohol….

 

It felt like a friend most days. That was until he made it to the end of the Tequila bottle. Tequila? He didn’t even like Tequila, never had. These days though, he didn’t mind it. They had somehow formed a bond. That and for some reason the trip Jimin had taken last spring to Cancun had resulted in an odd mass collection of the liquor. Honestly, Taehyung didn’t even understand how the kid had made it through customs with all of that.

 

He didn’t know how many hours had passed but the light had changed in the room. It was no longer bright from the sun shining through the window panes, it had darkened considerably. Feeling for the bottle that should be sitting on the floor next to the couch, Taehyung found his favorite friend for his darkest days. Not all were this bad but more than enough were.

 

Sitting up, he took a long swig from the clear liquid that barely even burned going down his throat anymore. Grabbing his phone that only had about ten messages from Jimin checking on him, he stuffed it in his pocket and moved for the first time in hours that day. Making his way to the front door, he slipped the green crocs he had, grabbed his keys and stumbled out the front door. Forgetting to lock it behind him.

 

The bottle of tequila was still in his hand as he hit the streets and the brisk autumn air smacked him in the face. It felt refreshing, as his cheeks were flushed red from all of the alcohol consumption and his stomach was warm and tingly. It was his favorite haze. Thinking didn’t happen much for once, he could little walk through a fog but feel like he had everything in control. Well, except for the few moments when he lost his balance. Walking in a straight line.... He thought he was. Taehyung didn’t have any direction, he just felt like moving and all the while cuddling his friend. The stares he got from middle-aged parents with their young children wasn’t any of his concern.

 

It wasn’t long before he had gotten himself lost and stumbled down an alleyway. Why? Well, he didn’t have anywhere to be. The homeless man that he had unintentionally disturbed eyed his friend with wild eyes. Taehyung understood. Holding out the bottle towards the man he wiggled it in offering.

 

“Let’s share.”

 

The grimy man huddled behind the trashcan to keep the wind away nodded eagerly. He snatched up the bottle, took a long swig, thanked Taehyung and then dashed off with the alcohol. It took the male longer than it normally would have to react and realize what had just occurred.

 

“Aish!”

 

The front of his croc hit the side of the green trash can which was quickly followed by a string of expletives as the man felt the pain radiate from his toes up his foot and leg. That wasn’t the brightest idea but he also wasn’t in a stable mindset. Stumbling for a bit to find his balance, Taehyung decided it would be best to just stay in one spot. The brick wall in front of him had begun to spin and that was just making him nauseous. Stumbling into the seemingly steady wall, he slid down, mostly fell to his bottom and pulled the stinky orange jacket the homeless man had been using as a blanket. Hitting his head against the building behind him, Taehyung just didn’t know what to do with himself. How did he fall so far?

 

I miss him.

 

I shouldn’t.

 

But I miss him so much.

 

He battled with his thoughts that he had been keeping at bay all day. It was only time they came crashing down upon him. Drinking was great, the highs were smooth sailing, but the lows… they were rough. The lows was like being slammed into the ground by Thor. It ing hurt. It ing hurt real bad.

 

The longer he stayed there the darker and colder it got. Time wasn’t much of a concept for Taehyung but his fingers in his pocket were itching. They had been for awhile now. He knew what they wanted and he fought against it. Not very hard though because before he knew it there was a phone at his ear and the steady ring in his ear as he waited for the person on the other line to answer. It didn’t come. Not the first time. Not the second call. The third call though, the third call connected.

 

The instantaneous warmth that spread throughout his chest was a reaction he hadn’t felt in so long and as much as Taehyung wanted to revel in it he knew it was just a mirage. The call had connected, a hesitant,

 

“Hello… Tae?”

The chestnut haired male in a breath but didn’t say anything. He just sat there quiet on the line. So did the other person. The person who had stolen a part of him that he could never figure out how to get it back. After about three minutes in silence on both ends, and Taehyung’s finger hovering over the end button, the voice he missed so much spoke.

 

“Taehyung, where are you? Are you okay? Say something?”

 

The worry that Taehyung could hear laced through the words made his heart jump and flip on the trampoline that it had found. Somehow that was so rewarding. It was almost like hope was reaching out a hand for him. Dangerous. That was dangerous and he should turn back.

 

“No.”

 

The one word came out so broken that even Taehyung cringed at how it must sound to Seokjin but he had never lied to the man before and he couldn’t now. He never would. It wasn’t in him no matter how much he wanted to. No matter he wanted to yell at the man that he was doing better than ever and didn’t need him and had an even better person who loved him unconditionally and didn’t just cast him aside. Taehyung in a breath and swallowed those words back down. They would never be released, he couldn’t.

 

Clicking the end button, Taehyung let his tears fall. He wouldn’t allow Seokjin to see them ever again. If nothing else he could control that. See or hear, neither would be for Seokjin’s knowledge. Slamming his head against the wall again he dropped his phone on the ground and pulled at his hair in frustration. He was a mess. He was disgusting, pathetic, sick, immature and just a fool. A ridiculous fool. What was he even doing with his life? Hell if he knew. He needed to pick himself up. God, he’s told himself that over and over since the day he left but how? Taehyung didn’t know how? He couldn’t find the will and that was the most depressing. He knew that a part of him really just didn’t want to. He had never been a quitter but now he was finally understanding how crushing it was and how quitter don’t just do it lightly.

 

Time continued to lapse, the wind began to pick up and Kim Taehyung just didn’t give a .

 

Quick steps could be heard coming down the alley but Taehyung had his head on his knees and couldn’t be bothered to look up. The homeless man was probably back for his blanket. Who was Taehyung to claim it?

 

“Taehyung!”

 

His name rang out through the empty alley and it held a note of panic that he hadn’t heard before but again couldn’t be bothered to look up. Seconds later another person was on their knees in front of him, touching his legs, arms, face and raising it up. Once they realized that he wasn’t physically hurt, the eyes that Taehyung could barely even see as there wasn’t much light in this alley darkened considerably.

 

“What the do you think you’re doing? You can’t just ing call someone out of the blue say you’re not okay and just ing hang up. What the Taehyung?!”

 

The older man was yelling at Taehyung. He just sat there and took it, his eyes were filling up with water once more. He had thought he cried all he could but there it was again, the cold, salty water sliding down his cheeks once more. Taehyung didn’t even know what to say.

 

“I-I…” He trailed off, he tried but what did he say? His head was pounding mostly from how hard he had hit it repeatedly against the wall and he still wasn’t able to believe that the person who tossed him away was in front of him.

 

“How did you even find me?”

 

Those weren’t the words he wanted to say.

 

“We have GPS on our phones? You’re always getting lost. I always have to fin- I always had to find you.” The change in tense in his words brought a frown to Taehyung’s lips. He looked away and set his jaw firmly. Had… Of course it was past tense. Why wouldn’t it be?

 

“Anyways now is not the time fo-”

 

Taehyung smacked Seokjin’s hand off of the arm it was still holding in concern.

 

“You shouldn’t be here. I’m fine.”

 

It wasn’t a line. At present he was physically fine. It’s not his fault if Seokjin interprets that differently. At least that was what Taehyung was telling himself as he tried to get to his feet without swaying. He failed. Arms shot out immediately to steady him but he shoved them off as if he had been burned.

 

“Oh my god, are you drunk?! Kim Taehyung, what the hell is going on with you?”

 

Taehyung stumbled away from Seokjin, he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want the other to touch him and he most certainly didn’t want the other to look at him. It’s been all that he’s wanted for so long but now he just felt every bit of dirty, grimy and pathetic as he was. How could he let the other man see him like this?

 

“With me? Nothing. Abso-ing-lutely nothing! I’m going home.” He growled out as he tried to make his way to the entrance of the alley. Seokjin was at his side in a second.

“God you can’t even stand up straight let alone walk straight. Give me your arm.” Seokjin reached out for him again but Taehyung flinched back and stumbled out of his reach as fast as his muddled mind could.

 

“Don’t ing touch me. Don’t.” This was the harshest that he had ever spoken to the older but he couldn’t stop it. Each touch burned him in the way that he knew he’d never been feeling that contact in the way he wanted. If he couldn’t have it, he really didn’t need any taste of it. It hurt too much.

 

“Why are you even here?”

 

“I’ll always come if you call, Taehyung-ah.”

 

The words came out softly and filled up the entire span of the alley and clutched around Taehyung’s heart. This was too much, he couldn’t handle this. What mistake in his life did he make to deserve this kind of torture. Reaching out for the wall he leaned against it and tried with all his might to not just crumble on the spot.

 

“Stop. Stop. Don’t ing say that. Just stop. I can’t do it. Go.”

As much as he tried to sound firm, the weakness in his voice rang through the air. Seokjin ignored him yet again and took another step toward Taehyung. He lifted his head and pierced the older with such a heartbreaking gaze that it made Seokjin hesitate. Again. He hesitated again, just like that night when Taehyung had walked out. Seokjin hesitated.

 

It was for less than half a second but more than enough time for both males to feel it, to see it. Ignoring it Seokjin took another step forward.

 

“I don’t want to see you like… like this.”

 

“Like what? How you made me? You should take a good look.”

 

What was he even saying? Taehyung didn’t even know. All he knew was that his heart was breaking all over again and he didn’t want it, he couldn’t handle this feeling for a second time. It was too much. He needed to escape, he needed to retreat to the couch that he never should have left. Except he couldn’t stop spitting vicious things that he’d never normally say.

 

Seokjin’s gaze wavered, sadness reached his eyes but was pushed away so he could look at Taehyung with a determination that confused the other. He didn’t understand what his ex-boyfriend was trying to do. He didn’t want to.

 

“Tae…”

 

Quiet overtook them besides the few passing cars that would speed by. Taehyung eventually lowered his gaze, finally taking in the others appearance as his eyes dropped to the floor. He was a bit of a mess. The buttons on his shirt didn’t line up and the elder didn’t have a coat on, his socks didn’t match and his shoes were barely tied. The only thing that was proper were the pants he was wearing. Taehyung felt a twinge of guilt now. Regardless of what was going on between them it was clear that Seokjin was at least worried about the strange phone call he received.

 

“What do you want?”

 

The words came out slurred but Seokjin knew what the question was and this time he didn’t hesitate. He moved closer cupping Taehyung’s cheeks in his hands and forcing the man to look at him. Their bodies were only a few inches apart and the light in the elder's eyes was so bright and warm that it was a real struggle for Taehyung to look directly into them.

 

“To be honest, I just want you.”

 

Any words that Taehyung thought he might be able to form escaped him. He opened his mouth, shut it and then opened it again but was immediately cut off.

 

“Don’t say it’s too late. Please…”

 

Seokjin’s hands were still cupping his cheeks and it was too warm, his face, his neck, his chest, it was all too warm. Warm? No, it was too hot? Taehyung didn’t even know but the next minute his lips were pressed against the man he couldn’t stop loving. It wasn’t the smoothest kiss he had ever given, it was hard and they knocked teeth but right after they found that familiar rhythm that was Kim Seokjin and Kim Taehyung and it felt like home.

 

Except he wasn’t home and what was he doing? Taehyung always just dove in without thinking and it cost him. It cost him a lot. He needed space, he needed to breathe? How did one breathe? Ripping Seokjin’s hands off of his cheeks he stepped back and turned towards the wall, pressing both of his large palms flat against, trying to breathe.

 

That warmth was at his back again, rubbing soothing circles and god did Taehyung just want to melt into his touch, to his embrace, to his l-

 

“Don’t do this to me Seokjin. If-If you don’t mean it… Please don’t hurt me.”

 

The soothing circles stopped for one second, two seconds, three seconds. Then arms were wrapped around his waist and a chin resting on the top of his shoulder.

 

“Taehyung-ah, I will forever be sorry for how I’ve hurt you. I- It haunts me every night. I’ve always only wanted to see your smile but…. I took it away and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for it. Don’t forgive me but give me another chance. I can’t lose you again. I can’t watch you walk away again.”

 

in a breath, the tenseness in Taehyung’s body slowly started to leave. If he didn’t know the other man so well, if he couldn’t tell when the other was lying just by the way his voice sounded, Taehyung wouldn’t have believed the words he just heard no matter how badly he had ached to hear them. He knew though, he knew Seokjin so well, from the tips of his split black hairs to the tip of his toes, he knew the other inside and out. This was real, it was full of the meaning that Seokjin had been lacking those months back. The other had been lost and Taehyung couldn’t help, he was scared that it would happen again but he needed that man. He needed him so much.

 

Slowly, Taehyung turned around and Seokjin’s bravado he had earlier was completely wiped away, all that was left was the shell of the broken man Taehyung hadn’t realized he had caused. He was laying everything bare and even though Taehyung knew that this wasn’t truly his fault, not any guilt that he should bare he understood in that moment just how much Seokjin needed him.

 

“I love you Taehyung-ah, I always have, I always will. You’re more than enough for me and more than I deserve.”

 

Fools rushed in, that’s what they said right? So did Taehyung, five years ago and today right into Seokjin’s embrace. His arms wrapped around the man so tightly that the other thought he might even break a rib. He didn’t say a thing though, just kept running his hands over the chestnut hair bird nest.

 

“I love you too, so much.”

 

They stayed there for a few moments until Seokjin decided he should probably get the younger home.

 

“Tae, come on. Let’s go home.” He rubbed the younger’s back and kept quiet about the wetness that he could feel spreading along his shirt. A small nod could be felt and Seokjin moved Taehyung to his side, keeping his arm wrapped around him as they started walking out of the alley finally.

 

“And take a bath, hmm?”

 

“Are you saying I stink?”

 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m washing your hair too.”

 

“Ow!” Seokjin rubbed his chest from the hit he received before pinching Taehyung’s side but the man just laughed.

 

The next morning Taehyung would wake to his phone’s LED light blinking blue with thirty messages. Once again they wouldn’t be from the man he missed most but, well that was because he’d wake up with their limbs tangled together and for once it wouldn’t be a cruel dream.