#30/71 - “Are you going to hate me forever if I do this?/I can’t sleep so, can you sing to me?”

HopeKook

Word Count: 1798

You may want to listen to Jungkook's cover of Paper Hearts while reading this or at the end. Here's the link ~ 

If there was one image that Hoseok wished he could erase from his mind, it was his eyes, Jungkook’s eyes. They were the last thing he saw before he fell asleep and they were the first thing he saw when he woke. It wouldn’t be a bad thing except they were those eyes. The same nervous, emotion filled, sad and worried chocolate brown eyes. The ones that were given to him with the very words that dropped a bucket of ice water over his whole body and gripped his heart.

“Are you going to hate me forever if I do this?”

They were a whisper, one that Hoseok also constantly heard in his mind no matter how loud he cranked the volume on his phones, headphones in. Jungkook’s scared voice broke his heart alone, what followed only pushed the dagger in deeper. He didn’t need the younger to say the next sentence he already knew. Let’s be realistic when Jungkook showed up in front of him, asking to talk, wringing his fingers in the hem of his shirt, he knew. The signs had been there, the growing distance, the more quiet and withdrawn he’d become, the slight tug away when Hoseok would entwine their fingers together. The mutual feelings they had once shared were gone and while Hoseok wanted to desperately get them back Jungkook couldn’t force it nor did the younger male actually want to. The time they had together was precious and meaningful, something he said he wouldn’t ever take back but not something he wanted to continue. While Hoseok fell in love, Jungkook never actually fell. Yes, he loved Hoseok but there was a difference between being in love and loving someone. It was something the younger learned for the first time. It was something Hoseok experienced on the other side for the first time. And it ing hurt.

Even worse, they had to see each other every day. Work with each other day. Watching Jungkook smile for someone else every day. Even if the smile was innocent, a smile from a brother to another brother. That was how he and the younger had started to. The anxiety that filled him after each smile not directed his way was overwhelming. He was drowning in turbulent seas that just never stopped. It was wave after wave crashing against him. Everytime he came up for air, he was shoved right underneath the water once more. This was why, Seokjin had warned them. Warned him.

“Don’t do this Hoseok-ah, if… If things don’t turn out well. Hoseok-ah, just don’t do this. I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

Hoseok laughed hollowing in his bed, bloodshot eyes from multiple sleepless nights and too much coffee, thinking about those words. How at the time, his emotions were so strong he didn’t know if he could contain them but now. Well, he wished he had. This hurt and he didn’t know how to stop it. What he wanted was Jungkook. He wanted those strong but gentle hands, to run through his hair, like they would do when they were sitting next to each other or lying together. He wanted those perfect pink sweet lips of his against his, he wanted those eyes, oh god how he wanted those eyes to be bright and loving and exciting to him once more. Hoseok wanted to see that beautiful smile just once more trained his way, for him, from Jungkook. He missed the younger boy so much. They were near each other but they weren’t actually there. A huge gaping sinkhole was always placed between them and he didn’t know how to close it.

The younger’s presence was oppressive to Hoseok. If it wasn’t bad enough that he always felt the shadows around his lungs and heart, it pressed even harder when Jungkook was actually in the room. Just another reason to add to why Hoseok was still staring at his ceiling unable to sleep, unable to move and barely able to breathe. Taehyung and Jungkook were lying in the same bed playing some video game on their 3DS. The two were competing and he almost wanted to grumble out why the younger just couldn’t do that from his own room. The two would still be competing in the same game, they were on the network to do so. Why did they have to be in the same bed, Taehyung’s leg thrown over Jungkook’s and arms squished against the others? It was unnecessary and it was making the air even thinner, the corner of his eyes bringing to prickle with tears.

Letting out a harsh sigh that he wish he could take back immediately, Hoseok punched his pillow a few times and then turned his back to the two boys. Those eyes, the ones he couldn’t escape were on him now. He could feel it and god, did he want to just crawl into that sinkhole he was talking about. Then he could disappear forever. Taking the break up this hard wasn’t something he had ever expected, to be brutally honest he thought he’d be the one to end it if anything. Wrong, oh how wrong he had been. All of the dancers senses were amplified, being in tune to every movement the younger made had never faded, if anything it had intensified. Hoseok could hear their hushed whispers, the sheets rustling as they untangled themselves from each other and the subtle creak in the bed as it dipped. Someone was getting up and a million won it would be Jeon Jungkook.

Shifting again, as if that would suddenly make him sleep, Hoseok tried as hard as he could to not notice the younger, to not want the younger to come over to him, to want the younger to leave and never come back. It never worked. A part of him really didn’t want Jungkook here but there was always a bigger part that wanted him to stay more. To look at him again. Swallowing was hard, his heart was racing and he was desperately trying not to cry. The tears forming he could feel along his lashes that were squeezed shut. Feet shuffling across the carpet had stopped right in front of his bed, those eyes, he felt them. The heaviness in the air, he knew, could be felt by all that were awake.

Hesitancy. Did he turn around? Did he say something? Did Jungkook dare to speak to him? Reach out to the elder? Nothing happened. Hoseok waited and waited until finally he couldn’t stop himself and rolled over on his other side to face the retreating back of the younger in his favorite white shirt of many and iron man pajama pants.

“Jungkook-ah…”

Even a whisper sounded like a shout in the stillness of the room. The figure froze, slowly turning around to look at the man who had called his name.

“Yes, hyung?”

The younger male didn’t move from his spot a few steps from the door but stood rooted there, gazing at the other with… concern. It was like a thousand needle pricks in his heart. Hoseok couldn’t help but grow elated and disgusted with the concern that he saw in the others eyes. It wasn’t the same and that hurt but it was concern and that meant he cared so Hoseok cherished it too.

“I can’t sleep, so can you sing to me?” Hoseok couldn’t raise his eyes above the chin of the younger and his question came out so fragile that Jungkook was afraid the other might break. There was quiet contemplation between them, Jungkook needing to weigh if this was something he should really do. Hoseok praying that the younger would. That he would allow him just a small dreamlike bubble to exist in for just a few minutes. He knew it wouldn’t be real but the other side of him won and he didn’t care. He didn’t care how much it would hurt him later, he needed it. He craved it. He missed Jungkook so much that even just a few seconds of his voice would be like a kiss. A kiss that, sadly, he didn’t dare dream about for further heart break.

“Hyung… You know that will just hurt you more.”

The harsh reality of Jungkook’s words hung between them. Suspended in time that Hoseok wasn’t sure he wanted to let go. Raising his eyes up to those beautiful, breathtaking chocolaty brown eyes Hoseok hated and loved so tragically, he slowly ran his tongue over his lips.

“I-I just… Please, Jungkook-ah. Just this once. I… I won’t ask you again, I promise.”

Quiet hung between them once more, only the light snores of Taehyung who could manage to fall asleep whenever could be heard. Hoseok kept his eyes on the younger, praying for him to cave. Praying for him to give into his request just once more. Addiction was hard and he was addicted to Jeon Jungkook. One last fix. That was all he was asking for. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he’d end things. He’d end this hurt and he’d move forward. Or at least he’d fake it until he made it.

“The last time, Hoseok-ah.”

They both heard the informal yet close name roll off of Jungkook’s tongue. It was what he used to call the elder when they were together because Hoseok allowed it, he really enjoyed hearing his name from Jungkook’s lips. Tonight there was a sense of finality to it, a ring of goodbye and a hint of the love that was once there before. It had morphed into a different form of love now and that was when Hoseok truly understood there would be no going back. No matter how much he wanted it. No matter how much he needed it. No matter how much he craved it.

Nodding his head, Jungkook walked back over and slipped under the covers, Hoseok lifted his head so the younger could extend his arm. He rested his head back on the younger’s arm and immediately those strong hands were in his hair, fingers gently running between his strands of black silky locks.

“What song?”

“Paper Hearts.”

Jungkook hesitated considering the choice of song but a moment later he broke into song, softly. Hoseok closed his eyes, the choice of song was fitting. It hurt but it was fitting. Settling down, the tense muscles of his relaxed and his breathing slowed, for the first night in weeks he was able to unwind and slip off into a deep slumber. The next morning Jungkook would be gone before the elder woke. He knew this. Expected it. Understood it.

Tomorrow, he would smile.

It wouldn’t reach his eyes but one day it would.

For now, he had to fake it until he made it.