This is for epiphany-

This song is also important. Please listen. 

            I stumbled across the photo while I was cleaning out my old belongings. The boxes were just sitting in the closet, the memories waiting to be revisited. I sat down and took the photograph out from the album that was marked “Predebut.” My heart clenched for a moment and suddenly, the gush of tears that I’ve repressed for the past few years seem to rush at me.

            My hands shook as I stared at the photograph. It still retained its color, having been well preserved in the leather-bound album. I stared at myself. I was happy then. It was our first commercial and the first chance to be in public. It was something that was nerve-wrecking but something I had to overcome as an idol in training. And he had been next to me.

            “He” being Kim Himchan. He had been my strength, my best friend, my partner in the hard times we shared together. We trained together, I taught him a different style of rap and he taught me to loosen up. Always the trainee who had a practical joke on the mind, Himchan often got us in trouble but it was worth it because the laughter made the days a little brighter.

            We slept in the same room because we were both going to debut in the same group. Every morning when my body was tired from the practice, he would sit on me and wake me up, making sure we weren’t late. If he was the one out like a light, I would kick him incessantly until he jerked awake and we would get on our way together.

            We were two peas in a pod, they said. Nothing we did wasn’t together. It was less a choice and more from necessity. Because we were debuting, we had to train together, dance together and it was also Himchan who made me more approachable when they introduced us to the younger members.

            I glanced down at the photo. Himchan was leaning in towards me and while I had a dumb expression that I had thought was fiercely cool at the time, he just looked photogenic, as always. He always had that ability to look effortlessly cool and to make every picture work. I smiled in spite of myself.

            During the recording, we had suffered trying to find the perfect expression for me. “Be more outgoing! Smile more!” the director had yelled at me and it was Himchan who helped.

            He had glared at me. “Ya! If you don’t’ get this down, we’ll be doing photoshoots all day when we debut. And then you’ll have to deal with grumpy Himchan. And you do not want to deal with grumpy Himchan. I will sleep on your bed, curl up by your side and snore loudly in your ear until you’re so sick of me, and that will be punishment for making me think of poses that normally come naturally to me. So you start tapping into your Bang model persona or else.”

            Whatever he did, it made me laugh and it helped. I knew Himchan well enough then to know to never call his bluff. He made me laugh, and he made life easier.

            When we debuted, he said I changed. He said I became more withdrawn and that I pushed him away. He told me that the idol life didn’t suit me and to retaliate, I became more reclusive.          

            “Yongguk, I know you don’t like the camera much, but gosh darn it, don’t make me have to pick up the slack! You have fans. They want to see your face. This isn’t like our predebut days where I can be the only one looking pretty. You need to be more out there.”

            It was difficult for me but I tried. But I still found the opportunity to hide. The hardest time was when Himchan suffered from the arm injury. I saw his pain, and I wanted to help him the way he helped me. He was the one to push me away. He told me that this was his personal battle and I couldn’t do anything. So I wrote a song.

            I still saw Himchan as my strength even though we spent less time together as our schedules became more packed. We still shared the same room, and there was the ultimate couple ship, Banghim. I laughed to myself, as tears splashed on the photo, perfectly in the space between me and Himchan.

            We had promised each other that we would always be there for one another. Every day, after practice, we would look at one another. “This is your dream?” He would ask me.

            “Yes.”

            “What do you have to do?”

            “Keep going. Is this your dream?”

            “Yes.”

            “What do you have to do?”

            “Leave this practice room and come back tomorrow.”

            And that was our way of reminding each other every day. Even when the other kids joined us, we would give each other encouragement. We were young, we were ready to conquer. When we were young, friendships seem so strong, so much like everything. We promised we would always be together, always be each other’s pillars. And then things fell apart.

            He said I was the one who pushed him away, but he was the one to leave. Himchan left because he said that he had enough. He said that I had changed and he couldn’t stand seeing me attack myself.

            “Yongguk, if this isn’t your dream, go. I don’t want to see you beating yourself anymore.”

            And so I did. But while I left physically, he left emotionally. He shut me out. Thinking back, I think it was because he knew I would be gone. And now that I thought about it, he must have not wanted to be hurt. I swallowed as I stared at the picture.

            Banghim. Yongguk and Himchan. Himchan and Yongguk. We had promised we would be best friends. We had promised that we would see each other through. And now, I don’t even know how he is. I see him on television, and he’s doing well in terms of his career. But I don’t know if he’s happy. I don’t know if he still needs my encouragement.

            I sighed and placed the photo back. There was no point dwelling on the past.  It wouldn’t change anything anyway. We would never be able to go back to what we had. I closed the album and stared at my ceiling.

            I was back in my element, doing underground and he never tried to find me.  I guess we are just in two different worlds. I allowed the remaining tears to fall and then hugged the album to my chest. Even though time has passed, even though I no longer talked to him, our memories would at least always be a part of me. And a part of him, I hope.