Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

            The key to success, apparently, was to make the right connections. But connections were hard to make when people broke them all the time. Quite frankly, at this rate, Youngjae didn’t understand the point. What was the point in investing time and effort into someone when at the end of the day, they were going to leave him all alone anyway? Friendship, love, family, it was all the same.

The one who broke his heart

            Daehyun said he loved him but apparently love was something fleeting, something that could be destroyed without a goodbye. He kept Youngjae on tenterhooks, sometimes he would be loving, most times, it was Youngjae putting in all the effort.

            When they first realized they liked each other, Daehyun had been open, not caring what people thought. He took Youngjae’s hand in public, and hugged him affectionately whenever he wanted. People would stare, some with disgust, others with confusion but still Daehyun wouldn’t care.

            “Haters going to hate,” he used to whisper. “They’re all jealous that I have a hot boyfriend and they can’t get any.”

            Youngjae found his affection a bit embarrassing. He had never been one for PDA but when it was Daehyun, they could get away with anything. But sometimes Daehyun would disappear for days and no matter how many times Youngjae called, there would be no answer.

            “Where’d you go?”

            At first Daehyun was pleasant about it. “Ah, work calls!”

            “Oh. Could tell me next time.” And he would be silenced by a kiss. All protests were forgotten.

            The absences got longer and then one day, there was no more Daehyun. Youngjae realized that in the time they had been together, he never once went to Daehyun’s house. He called his number but it was out of service. He wandered around, going to their favorite haunts but there was no sign of him.

            It was coincidence when they bumped into one another. Daehyun looked past him, as if he didn’t recognize him. Youngjae stepped in front of him. “Dae! Where have you been?”

            But the man in front of him looked at him blankly. “What? I don’t know who you are.” Youngjae had plead desperately, wanting Daehyun to stop the games, the joke wasn’t funny. But he only kept walking, brushing Youngjae aside and that was when he knew what a broken heart was like.

The one he gave up on

            Youngjae considered Yongguk one of his closest friends. He found it easy to talk to him about Daehyun and the older man had guided him. If anything, Yongguk was the one who helped Youngjae find a meaning in his life again.

            He would talk to Yongguk all the time but then he stopped responding to his texts. The circumstances were too much like the one with Daehyun and Youngjae had freaked. He went to pound on Yongguk’s door and sometimes there would be an answer. Then everything was alright, and Youngjae felt at peace.

            “I’m going to be really busy, so if I don’t always come hang out, you’ll know why.” Yongguk told him and Youngjae understood. At least Yongguk did him a favor and told him. Youngjae could breathe easy.

            But weeks went by and Yongguk didn’t show. Youngjae began to wonder if Yongguk had left him too. The thought made him panic and he called Yongguk again and again. He left a million voice messages but there was no response.

            Finally, he sent one last,  pleading one. “Yongguk-Hyung, please answer this.” And then he forced himself to sit, and play the waiting game. The wait caused his heart to pound every time he received a text, a call. But of course, none of them was from the person he wanted to hear from.

            He hardened his heart, and a song looped in his head. “Say something, I’m giving up on you.” And he adopted that as his motto. As the weeks went by and there was still nothing, Youngjae gave up. He forced himself to detach, to leave, because that was what he had to do with Daehyun too. Nobody was worth waiting for.

The one he shouldn’t have loved

            Himchan came into his life and Youngjae treaded with caution. There was potential friend/boyfriend material in the older man but Youngjae was tired of getting his heart broken. He was tired of relying on people only to have them trample all over his feelings.

            But Himchan managed to get closer and Youngjae started to slowly open his heart a little. He still regarded Himchan with suspicion but the older man’s smile and playful demeanor chipped at the wall easily.

            Youngjae continued to chant to himself that Himchan was not someone he can love. Himchan should remain just a friend. But when he had a tough day, it was Himchan who was there for him. It was Himchan who made him soup when he was sick with bronchitis, it was Himchan who defended Youngjae against an angry coworker. And he found himself falling for the charismatic man.

            “Youngjae, I have something to tell you.” Youngjae’s heart lurched. Himchan was fidgeting, looking as nervous as he himself felt. “I like someone.”

            Youngjae’s entire body stilled. He held his breath. There was no way. He tried to quiet his pattering heart. Please, let him say my name, he begged. “I think I like someone from work.” And with those words, Youngjae’s heart fell to his feet. Of course. He should have known that Himchan only saw him as a friend.

            He forced a smile on his face. “Well, I guess I’ll have to help you two get together.”

            Himchan grinned. “Will you really? I knew I could count on you!”

The one he pushed away

            By then Youngjae was tired of meeting people. He avoided Himchan when he could but the other man was stubborn and their friendship didn’t die. It couldn’t, not with how many times Himchan would call him. So Youngjae moved away and didn’t tell him.

            His neighbor was a kind person. Jongup was quiet, with an interesting sense of humor and they kept each other company when they were both done with work and the bachelor life made them lonely.

            It dawned on Youngjae that Jongup may have had a crush on him but he forced himself to not reciprocate. Things had been a disaster when he let himself go with Daehyun and Himchan. He would have to protect himself.    

            When Jongup wanted to do things together, Youngjae would occasionally politely decline, pulling a Yongguk. If Jongup showed up outside his door after work, with beer and a bucket of chicken, Youngjae would have no choice but to invite him in. But then, if Jongup wanted to stay and talk longer, he would feign sleepiness and that was the end of that.

            On Valentine’s Day, Jongup suggested they went to eat dinner, to “celebrate the single life,” but Youngjae declined. He gave Jongup a grim smile.

            “Actually, I have plans with my girlfriend.” He steeled himself against the disappointed look on Jongup’s face but didn’t let it faze him too much. And to avoid any awkwardness, Youngjae uprooted himself again and moved.

The one

            But now he met Junhong. Junhong was innocent. He was still young and had so much of the world to see. Youngjae befriended him, thinking that it would be nice to be someone’s mentor but he found himself falling for the naiveté, the fresh view Junhong brought to the table.

            All his past scars warned him. Friends, lovers, all of them would leave him eventually. Why would this sprightly youth be any different? But Youngjae couldn’t explain the feeling in his heart when Junhong would smile at him and the first time they kissed, it had been sweet.

            It was a slow process, but it was definitely a work in progress. He wanted the walls to fall and the scars to heal. And maybe, this one would be really the one to help him.

to everyone who came from Roffy's post, welcome!

If this is too daunting, I'm on tumblr too, baponeshots.