Listen to LeeSSang's "Tears"

After you left, I’m always sad

 

            Yongguk stared hollowly at the empty space next to him and shook his head, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his heart. The emptiness was already something he was used to. Ever since they had last exchanged angry words, he has been feeling this way.

 

No matter how sad I am, the sadness is not enough

 

I look for a place to hurt and hide

 

In front of my dark house, in my stopped car, in front of your house

 

            The number of times he had stopped his tears was countless. The ache in his heart, the tingling sensation in his throat and the sense of tears abut to come out. Even now, he could feel his feet moving in the direction of his car. It was almost muscle memory, to drive down three blocks, and turn left. He clenched his jaw and held on tightly to the door handle. He can’t go.

 

A life without love is like poverty, the only thing remaining is an empty room

 

            He turned back to his bed and placed a hand on her side. He had kept her pillow and covered it with plastic in hopes of keeping her scent in the fabric so when he really missed her, he could breathe it in and remember.

 

You and I, we’re like day and night, which cannot be together

 

            They had been in love but she was bright; she had hopes and dreams, and well, his dreams were different. She wanted to explore the world but Yongguk had wanted to fix it. He had wanted to stay holed up, with his music, but she wanted to face the world and the people in it head on. They fought over who had to do the dishes, over where to go, over everything.

 

The only thing we split and shared is longing

 

            Even when he had been in the studio, the thought of coming home to her had made him happy. It made him want to work harder so that she would be proud of him. But sometimes when he came back, she was already sleeping and he couldn’t hold her the way he wanted to. He would just crawl into bed, take his share of the blankets and turn over.

 

You get drunk one night, come to me and fuss that you’re going to sleep with me

 

You touch my happy trail and say that you want to lie down in my arms

 

You ask me why I’m always so busy and silently cry

 

You say you didn’t mean it and that you always believe me

 

            Did she know how hard it was for him to not be able to love her the way he wanted? Yongguk ran a hand down his face and remembered her hot tears against his chest. She had hiccupped as she cried, too drunk to stop, too sad to want to. She had sought his kisses and he felt almost dirty when he made love to her. He didn’t want it to be like that.

 

You and everything of you that always protected me

 

Has now become longing

 

            Now, he had nothing to look forward to when he came back home. And so he stayed at the studio even later than he used to.

 

Alone between narrow streets in tears

 

In case someone sees, I secretly shed tears

 

I try so hard not to become weak

 

My tears

 

            It wasn’t like him to cry but Yongguk couldn’t help it. Everything reminded him of her and when he went on those midnight walks, all he could remember were the words they had shouted at one another on the streets before she walked out of his life forever.

 

Sit alone on the stairs in front of my house in tears

 

In case you find out, I secretly shed tears

 

I try so hard not to become weak

 

My tears

 

            He found himself sitting on the steps again. Yongguk gritted his teeth. He refused to cry. He couldn’t. She lived so close. What if she happened to pass by? But still, the hot tears rolled down his cheeks as his shoulders shook. No sound came from him but the pain was raw, sketched on his face.

 

We have bad attachments rather than good attachments

 

We fight all the time and go for days without seeing each other

 

            Those days hurt the most. The days when he was unsure whether they were okay or not, whether this was finally the end or not. Those were the days that had him up at night, composing, nervous.

 

But we wanted each other so much

 

Because we loved each other, because we couldn’t live without each other

 

            One of them always went back to the other. Whether it was a day or a week later, they would run into each other’s arms. His friends called her his deadly drug, the opiate that he was hooked on. But it was okay because he never knew that supply would ever run out, and mutual addiction was always a good thing.

 

The freckles on your body, the food you can’t eat

 

When we kiss and made up after fighting

 

When we tightly held hands while driving

 

I remember all those things

 

            Sometimes it was too hard. Yongguk slammed his hands down on the staircase and wondered where things had gone wrong. Why wasn’t this time like last time? Why is it that this time, she wouldn’t come to his arms and he couldn’t find the courage to go back to her?

 

Even if you’re not next to me for a moment, I get nervous

 

After letting you go, I easily get blank

 

I hate the changing world

 

            The pain was too much for him to handle. It was like the whole world was against him and Yongguk wanted out. He didn’t really know how long he could keep going. Without her, he was lost.

 

I forcefully take out your memories

 

Your name, face, laughter, scent

 

There are so many memories you gave to me

 

There is so much soul that you left to me

 

They come to life and find me

 

I crush them all with the word

 

Love

 

            If one day he could forget her, he would. Sometimes he wanted to think that the wound was healing. But some days, he would think of her and everything was back. He loved her. No, he loves her. But it didn’t matter because love couldn’t bring her back. It only brought back the painful memories and he didn’t want them anymore.

 

My tears, tears, tears

 

Once again tears, tears, tears

 

Again silently – I don’t want to know

 

It smears my memories

 

            If Yongguk could only wash away all the moments with his tears. If only love was that easy to erase. If only the pain in his heart was that simply eased. If only, if only, if only the tears can finally stop coming. 

 

 

 

this is for BecJustice and sarang_kpop1015

I hope you guys enjoyed this one. I really loved writing it.