She says that she thinks she’s ugly and that nobody would ever love her. But Himchan begs to differ. In his eyes she was beautiful and he wanted to love her. He wanted to be able to see her smile and to see her cheeks blush when she is with him. He liked the way she came into the room, unassuming and uncomfortable, clearly overcoming a large fear factor within herself to do so, and for that he admired her.

            Himchan still remembers the first day she walked in. Everyone had been coming to the meetings for weeks and knew all of each other’s stories. So when she walked in, it was intriguing. But they all had scars, all knew enough not to pry, so the meeting started as per usual. The leader started off by asking a general question and everyone pitched in.

            Out of nowhere, during a quiet lull in their conversation, she finally spoke up. “I did it because I hated myself and I thought that it would help overcome the pain.” It was the same reason as to why everyone else did it but they listened patiently.

            “I never could rely on people, and there were always people who were offering their help but then throwing me away. For so many years, I wanted to try to be happy, to be able to smile but it was so difficult. Relationships became difficult to maintain as I grew more paranoid and I started to push people away.” Her words came out slowly, but it was like a dam threatening to spill over.

            Himchan shifted in his seat and watched her. She was looking at the center of the circle, not making eye contact with anyone else and her voice sounded almost robotic. “When I pushed them away, it wasn’t a conscious thing. I wanted them to come back, but I guess I wasn’t worth it and so they never did. For the longest time I relied heavily on my interests, on music to keep me afloat but now I feel even more lost than ever.”

            She was playing with her sleeves now and Himchan waited. He wanted to see if she was comfortable with showing her scars. Everyone was wearing short sleeves and the remnants of their scars were visible. Each line was one made from desperation and he looked down at his own arm. He was a little more creative with his carving. He had started to scratch onto himself the name of the person who had sent him spiraling into the depression, wanting to force himself to remember forever.

            The blood that ran down his arm made him feel good, but it didn’t make him feel better. And it took a lot of convincing, a lot of time to realize that he wanted to love himself. He knew that the first step forward was to hate himself a little less, to see the good in him so he was no longer projecting his own self-hate on others.

            “I guess coming here is my last desperate attempt for help. I just want to feel less lonely.” And that was all she said. He didn’t get a chance to talk to her that day but the next week, he vowed that he would.

            She shared more the next time she came. “I wish I could trust people but I know it’s because I don’t deserve to have the relationship that normal people have. And I acknowledge that it’s because there’s something wrong with me. I just wish I could change myself.”

            Because he was curious, Himchan raised his and she looked at him. “How long have you been cutting?”

            It was the ultimate question, one that was meant to draw her out even more. He waited patiently, knowing that a lot of the times, this inquiry would turn a lot of people away. She blinked. “A couple of years. It was my only way of relief.” He saw her hand slowly raise her sleeves and winced. Her skin, which should be beautiful and flawless, was marred.

            And that was when Himchan decided, the next week, he was going to talk to her. She didn’t come and he was worried. Maybe his question had pushed her away. Maybe he should have waited. He wanted to hit himself over the head. How could he have mishandled the situation?

            She came the week after, much to his relief, and she talked about how sad she felt and all her insecurities. After the session ended, he was out of his seat and he walked up to her before she could disappear from the room.

            “Hey,” he started.

            She turned to look at him, her face devoid of any emotion. She wasn’t smiling but it was a relief to him that she wasn’t frowning either. Himchan suddenly didn’t know what to say. “Hi.” She responded to him.

            “I was wondering if you wanted to go out and have lunch with me? I want to get to know you outside the meetings.” She blinked, completely taken aback and he rushed to fill in his words. “I don’t want you to commit to anything. I just want to be friends. Is that okay?”

            “Friends.” She said the word as if it were something foreign and he wanted to tuck her hair behind her ear, to tell her that he was already falling in love with her even though she didn’t know it.

            “I think you were brave to come out and say all that. Most people wait until their fourth meeting or so but you were talking from the start.”

            She shrugged. “Desperation. I had to.”         

            Himchan sensed that she was testing waters, trying to see if she could trust him and he extended a hand. “Come on. Let’s fix those scars little by little. Just friends. And a lunch. That’s all I want for today.” He looked at her sincerely and she bit her lip. He smiled at her, further encouraging and she finally took his hand.

            “I guess if I want to change I might as well start now.”

this is for someone who you know who you are

I really hope you can read this and know that there will always be people by your side

who's prepared for tomorrow?

LOL not me