Himchan suffered from alexithymia. He could not feel. It wasn’t that he couldn’t feel in the tactile sense. It was the emotional, the deep down, hidden in your heart, sense of feel that he couldn’t ever experience anymore. The doctors explained it simply. The problem was the accident which hurt parts of his frontal lobe. There was no sense of attachment no need to love, to sympathize.

            He first discovered this when he snapped at Yongguk for showing too much concern. Yongguk’s caring words had been a nagging constant in his ear and he was tired of it. It pricked at his ears and made his head hurt so he yelled at him. It was satisfying, or rather, it did the job when Yongguk left. There was an expression on his face that Himchan knew was socially known as hurt but it didn’t quite matter to him. After all, Yongguk would get over it.

            When the doctors told him about this predicament, Himchan did research. He knew all the textbook information about his illness. It was rather simple. He could no longer empathize, he could no longer describe why his hands sweated, why his heart raced and why he wanted to smile. It was just all automatic reactions with no reasons behind them. It was an interesting life, except it didn’t feel that way.

            Himchan discovered that he could be charming if he tried. He knew all the social cues to coax a smile and a flirtation giggle from a female. He knew how to make people like him. But he didn’t quite know how he felt back. Part of the problem, he thought wryly, was because he couldn’t actually feel.

            When fans expressed their love for him, he knew how to respond accordingly. He knew that he could wink at them and smile and throw in a few greasy comments or two and they would buy it. What he needed to work on was trying not to get rude. Luckily, the other members were there to help him buffer.

            It was during a fanmeeting that Himchan may have let his cover slip. He had tried really hard but sometimes he couldn’t contain the overwhelming confusion. He was sitting at the table; his first fansign since the accident. The amount of fans made his palms sweat but he couldn’t figure out why.

            One by one they came up to him and he smiled, asked charming questions and signed their albums. When they handed him small sticky notes, he answered what he used to answer. It was when there was a girl who was pushy that Himchan snapped.

            She was causing a ruckus and it made his head pound. Her eagerness to get through everyone and to him made his heart race and because there was no longer an emotion for him to account for the reaction, Himchan became more frustrated.

            He slammed his hands down on the table and yelled at her. “Will you stop? Why are you so rude? Have your parents never taught you any manners? What are you doing? Do you think it’s okay for you to cause such a ruckus?”

            There was something else that was nagging at him but he couldn’t put it into words so he settled for the concrete reasons. The fans were all startled and Yongguk pulled him into his seat. The arm locked around him made him feel suffocated and Himchan tried to free himself. His head was still hurting but as he looked at the shocked expressions on the people’s faces, he felt nothing.

            He didn’t quite care even though he clearly knows that from their facial expressions, he had done something wrong. Yongguk rubbed his back and Daehyun was trying to placate the crowd but he could hear the murmurs.

            “There’s something off about Himchan. I can see it. Sometimes his smile seems too fake.”

            “Himchan-Oppa’s so scary. I’m too scared.”

            “What the hell? I’ve never seen an idol get that angry before.”

            Yongguk was covering Himchan’s ears but he could still hear everything. He hated the fact that even when he couldn’t feel, he could still react. He hated that when he hears the words angry, he no longer knows that it is what he was feeling right now. He also hated that when the fans said they were scared, he couldn’t quite understand why.

            He closed his eyes to try to block off the world, to sound out the buzzing of the crowd. Himchan was exhausted. He placed his head on the table and wanted to sort out the confusion. How could he not care how the fans felt and at the same time still have the moment of adrenaline and wildness in himself? How could he function without emotions? The doctors had said that it was a dangerous situation, but he didn’t want to go to the mental asylum. He just wanted to be himself.

            Himchan counted down in his head. He no longer felt the urge to be an idol. That was the loss of ambition, a symptom clearly stated on the Wikipedia pages. He slowly raised his head up and looked blankly at the people who were still murmuring, at the members who were still trying to fix the situation.

            He tried to push something from him, an emotion, something to beat the odds against what a stupid website said. He didn’t want to be a case study. But as he looked at the crowd, Himchan could only feel nothing but a blankness as he sat back and watched others try to fix the mess he caused.

This is for kyutecloud

I want to apologize to all of you. I feel like my writing has really declined and I don't really know if I can update very often anymore. I didn't want to take such long hiatuses and to keep writing and stopping but I want to find my groove. But I don't want to leave you/have you guys leave me. It's dumb but I'm starting to see that a lot of you don't really talk to me anymore and I guess it's because my writing . I'm sorry. Things have been really roller coaster like for me and I thought that once I got something done, I would be happier. But that's clearly not the case. I'm going to push myself to update and yeah. I just really wanted to apologize because I don't know what else to do.