You stared at the ceiling, with just one thought in mind. You wanted this baby out of you. Nine months, you’ve had to endure this pain and now each minute you had to wait was torture, teasing you. The pain roared in your ears and you bit back the taste of blood in your mouth.

            The nurses were flying in and out of the room. “Where’s your husband?” one of them asked.

            You laughed dryly. “I think he’s held up at work.”

            The doctor walked in, snapping on gloves over her hands. “I guess we’ll have to tell him he missed it.”

            By now, the contractions were coming on stronger and stronger. The only thing running through your head was that the level of oxytocin was increasing, further enabling the uterine movement. Peristalsis, fetus, push, baby, pain. There was a loud cry.

*****

            Jung Daehyun was drunk. He was not just completely intoxicated, he was also currently on top of a woman, rutting into her. Her nails scratched his back and all he could think about was his release. The alcohol made his head light and the contrasting fire in his veins was urging him on.

            His phone rang, shrill and demanding. It had been buzzing with texts and missed calls for the past minutes. The keening from the woman underneath him came to an end when she snapped. “Are you going to pick up?”

            Daehyun pulled out from her and reached for his phone. Through hazy eyes, he saw that it was Youngjae calling. He had thirty-eight texts and ten missed calls. His phone began to buzz with another. This one was Youngjae’s wife.

            He glanced over to where his current lover was laying. She was propped on her elbow, her hair falling over her s. He pressed ignore and turned his phone off to silent. His head throbbed and so did his . “Come here, babe,” he reached for her.

*****

            “Congratulations on your baby girl.” The nurse handed over the tiny bundle. You were propped against pillows, utterly exhausted but you reached for your daughter regardless.

            You gently peeled away the towel that was swathed about her. Her eyes were closed but was puckered. You already knew she would take after him. You held her closer to you, placing her ear against the thudding of your heart.

            There was a small movement and you placed your hand on her chest, feeling the new life. Jaylie twitched again and slowly, furled her small hand over your pinky. You nearly cried. “Be a good girl, Jaylie, and make your mommy proud.”

            He came, barging in, five hours later. By now, the doctor had taken her away for inspection and checkups. Three nurses came rushing after him. “You can’t walk in here!” they shouted.

            You opened your eyes at the commotion and saw your husband. He grinned at you, and you knew he was drunk. “Hey, babe. Did I miss it?” The moment after he uttered those words, he took a step back and promptly threw up on the floor.

******

            You were nursing Jaylie when he came home. Daehyun’s eyes were bloodshot and he was swaying. You hastily buttoned your shirt and brought Jaylie to the crib. When you came back down, he was only just struggling out of his jacket.

            “Go take a shower, you smell.” And he did. He reeked of alcohol, cigarettes and . He grunted and spread his arms out, indicating for you to help him get his jacket off.

            When you stepped closer, you caught a whiff of another woman’s perfume and your lips thinned. You slowly pulled off his jacket, holding it away from you with two of your fingers. “My shirt,” he ordered. You tossed his jacket on the chair and tried not to let your anger show.

            “Do it yourself. I’m tired.” He grabbed your fingers and brought them to the buttons on his shirt.

“Don’t you walk away,” he growled. Knowing your one week old daughter may wake at any commotion, you had no choice but to obey.

As you ed his shirt, you saw fingernail scratches across the smooth plane of his chest, marks from pleasure, ecstasy. The anger bubbled over. “Go back to your ,” you spat in his face.

            Daehyun grabbed your wrist before you could smack him and pulled you into him. Your s ached and you could hear Jaylie crying. Milk started to leak but he wouldn’t let you go. “Jung Daehyun,” you warned him. “Let me go.”

            He crashed his lips onto yours but all you could hear was your baby in distress. He loosened his grip to grab onto the back of your head and you slapped him. You pulled your shirt together and grabbed the remote control, waving it before you. “Back off.”

            He was still drunk and the slap had disorientated him. He wavered and you ran upstairs to nurse your daughter. You locked the door and rocked her in your arms until she fell asleep. You willed yourself not to cry. They say tears could infiltrate a mother’s milk. And the last thing you wanted to happen was feed your baby grief.

*****

            Neither of you mentioned that night. Daehyun knew he had to repent and was on his best behavior the next three days. But, then he didn’t come home. You had a feeling where he was so you went out and bought a new lock. It wasn’t your problem he was locked out.

            It poured that night. As you sang Jaylie to sleep, you wondered if he was out there. You wanted not to care but you thought about him getting sick. You placed your baby into her crib and crept downstairs. You stood in front of the door, torn between wanting to check and wanting to punish him.

            You placed an ear to the door and peeked underneath it. One part of it was blocked by a shadow. There was a fervent knocking and your heart squeezed. If only you could truly hate him. You waited until he stopped. There was a shuffle and you could hear him sit down. Thunder boomed and you saw the zigzag of lightning. You quietly unlocked the door and fled upstairs to the safety of the nursery.

            Jaylie was whimpering when you picked her up and covered her ears, replacing the thunder with the thudding calmness of your heart.

*****

            When you went downstairs, you saw that Daehyun was sprawled on the couch. His clothes were a pile on the floor and his hair was still damp. He was snoring and on his chest was a bouquet of flowers. Next to him was a box of chocolates and a song he wrote himself because that was what he did best.

            You read the lyrics and when Daehyun woke up, he found you curled in a ball, sobbing heavily. He swung his legs over and dropped next to you. His arms moved slowly, as if afraid you would reject him. You closed your eyes as his warm body radiated heat through your dressing gown.

            He buried his lips into your hair and whispered, “I’m sorry, baby.” You inhaled deeply. For the first time in too long, he finally smelled like himself.

*****

            It was hard to forgive him but every day, you watched him play with his daughter, his handsome face lighting up whenever she did something to amaze him. You knew he went to the studio and straight home every day.

            “Hey, did you use her? That was her first smile, all gums and everything,” he called, cradling Jaylie and planting kisses on her cheek. Her dark eyes followed him everywhere. You smiled and nodded at her when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” he called. Still absentmindedly cooing at the baby, Daehyun opened the door.

            A beautiful woman stood in the hallway and your heart stopped. Daehyun paled and he stopped bopping Jaylie. “You shouldn’t be here,” he said. “We’re done. I told you.”

            Tears dripped down her cheek. She was so beautiful your heart hurt to look at her. “I’m pregnant.” The entire world came to a standstill and you grabbed Jaylie before Daehyun could drop her.

            You turned your back on him. You’ve always known he was cheating on you but to be confronted by proof was to have your entire denial knocked down. You barricaded yourself in the bedroom. You placed Jaylie in her crib and closed the curtains that separated the nursery from the bedroom.

            You grabbed your wedding photo and threw it to the ground, smashing it. You ripped up all the photos of the two of you, including a recent family photo, with Jaylie in the middle.

            Daehyun knocked but you ignored him. You were shaking too much and Jaylie’s cries were getting louder. It was only when Daehyun walked in through the nursery that you realized you had forgotten to lock that door too. He came in, holding Jaylie as if she were a peace offering.

            “She’s hungry,” he said. You took Jaylie from him and turned your back on him, shakingly peeling your shirt out of the way. She latched on hungrily and you tried to go to your comfort zone.

            When she turned her head away, you pulled your shirt together and hugged her to you. The scent of baby powder and shampoo brought tears to your eyes.

            Daehyun sat next to you and leaned his head against the bed. He reached for your hand and you heard him swallow. You followed his gaze to the smashed pictures on the floor and an inhuman strangle of pain bubbled in him.

            “I thought I could finally change.” You ignored him. Jaylie had started to make babbling noises and you buried your face in her warm blanket. “She’s getting an abortion. I explained everything to her. She knows where my priorities lie. Then we’ll truly put an end to this.” You were silent. He ran a thumb over your palm. “Speak to me. Please.”

            “There’s nothing to say. You’ve been cheating on me the entire pregnancy. You were probably with her when Jaylie was born. I’m so tired, so done with this. You can’t expect a clean slate.”

            His grip on your hand tightened. Tears dripped onto your daughter’s onesie. “I’ve been trying. I stopped drinking and I ended things with her.”

            “You cheated on me.” Even though you had known, the pain would not leave.

            `He hung his head in shame and you tore your hand away from him. You slid down the floor until you hit the wall. “I wasn’t ready for a baby.”

            You gave a harsh laugh and Jaylie blinked. “So you went out and made another one? You’re priceless, Jung Daehyun. Absolutely priceless.” You started sobbing hysterically, shaking so hard your daughter began to cry with you.

            “Don’t, please,” Daehyun pleaded with you. He wrapped his arms around you but you could only smell her perfume, see the scars she had made. You let out a scream.

            “Don’t touch me!”

            He reached instead for Jaylie. “Let me put her back.” He tugged your precious bundle from you and you felt oddly empty. You’ve lost everything that was meaningful to you. You heard him coo at her, trying to calm her down and stuffed a fist into your mouth. The pain was still spreading.

            When he came back, he bent to pick up your wedding photo. He placed the two jagged pieces side by side and fell to his knees, not caring when he crunched against glass. You whimpered and withdrew, shrinking into the space between the bed and drawer.

            Daehyun’s voice was cracked when he spoke. “I wasn’t ready to be a father. My own father failed and I was scared of you letting you down. I took to drinking. It was the only way I could cope. And she-she helped me take away the fear.”

            You covered your ears. You didn’t want to hear about the home wrecker. Daehyun’s palm was bleeding. He had cut himself on the shards of glass. “She wanted me more than I wanted her. I was drunk and she promised me everything. That night, I didn’t realize you were in the hospital. I came right after I saw the texts.”

            You didn’t want to hear. Everything was an excuse. He reached out and cupped your cheek, the blood smearing across your skin. “I love you and I love Jaylie.” He shifted closer, his arms were moving around you, slowly, as he came nearer. He rested his chin on top of your head and you felt the tears drip into your hair. Despite the warmth, your heart was cold.

            He rocked you to sleep. In the middle of the night, when Jaylie cried, it was he who got up to soothe her. You stayed on the floor, frozen. He came back and picked you up easily, placing you on the bed and pulling a blanket over you. He hesitated, as if wanting to kiss you but you buried your face into the pillow. He left for the couch.

*****

            It was all dark and cold. You avoided speaking to him and every time he attempted to, you would turn away. The two of you took turns taking care of Jaylie. She was the only anchor you had left. Her first mangled attempt at a word, ‘eat’ normally would have brought on jokes and laughter but you turned away before Daehyun could comment.

            He slept on the couch every night and you placed Jaylie next to you to make up for the vastness of the bed. His friends tried to plead with you. Once Daehyun begins performing, he won’t be home often for an entire month.

            “Good,” you told Youngjae. “Let him screw other women after his concerts. I’m surprised the company still wants him.”

            Daehyun heard every word. When you turned around, you saw his stricken face. But you felt nothing. It served him right. You stared woodenly ahead and walked past him.

            That night, he didn’t stay downstairs. He came upstairs, his expression filled with white fury. “What’s the meaning of this?” he shook a stack of papers in your face.

            You placed Jaylie into the nursery and walked back. “Exactly what you think it is.”

            “Divorce papers? Is this how you want to do it?” His voice shook.

            You shrugged. “Why not? We no longer live as a married couple. I don’t know how many more babies you’ll have when you go away for your concerts.”

            He ripped the papers in half and threw them on the floor. “She was a mistake! I already regret it; I don’t need you reminding me!” He shouted. “I won’t go on the tours if it means you’ll believe me.” His eyes were filling with tears. He was shaking. “I already give you enough space. Don’t make me give more up.”

            “You threw everything away when you slept with her. Do you know how many times I called you? I tried to wait for you but you never picked up. They had to rip Jaylie out because I wouldn’t push. Did you make her baby then?”

            Daehyun came forward and dropped on his knees, hugging your legs. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve let you down. But I need a second chance. I need to be your husband again. I need to be Jaylie’s dad.”

            You pushed him away. “You only have this one chance.” There was a silence that hinted at finality.

            He stood and picked up the papers he had thrown. “I’ll sign these if that’s what you want,” he said dully. “I’ll mail it in the morning.” You wanted to stop him but you had no strength left. You watched his retreating back and for the first time in months, whispered his name.

*****

            It was normally Daehyun who changed her diapers in the morning. When Jaylie opened her eyes, the same shape as her father’s, she puckered his lips in surprise at her mother. was his too. Jaylie’s arms waved and she let out a small sigh. “Appa?” she uttered, her first true word.

            Your heart caught and you wiped away tears as you changed her. You remembered last night and Daehyun’s parting words, “I’ll mail it in the morning.” You grabbed her and ran.

            “Daehyun! Daehyun!” you ran down the streets, calling his name and holding Jaylie’s head to your chest. You saw him about to put the file into the mailbox. “Please stop!”

            He looked surprised to see you. You ran up to him and stared at him, truly seeing him. He had lost so much weight in the past five months. He had dark circles under his eyes. His stylists must be furious at him. He looked tired, exhausted and you took the file from him.

            You threw it into the trash can and you stared at you. Words you never imagined yourself saying again spilled from your mouth. “Don’t do it. I’m sorry. Jaylie needs you. She was calling for you today. Her first word. See?” you hurriedly turned her around. “Appa’s right here.” You were shaking as you tried to hold her.

            Daehyun took her from you and a replica of his smile spread across her face. “Appa!” she screamed again and Daehyun kissed her soft cheek.

            You could feel the tears pour down your face. You watched the two of them together and felt like an intruder. Your husband turned to you, his eyes uncertain. “And you?” he asked. “Do you need me?”

            Now, in the middle of the sidewalk, you grabbed his left hand and pulled yourself closer. You tiptoed and kissed him, drinking him in, tasting him, savoring the feeling of Daehyun. Your five month old squirmed and you finally pulled away, flushed and blushing.

            “Yes, yes I do.”

            Daehyun pulled you to him again and rested his cheek on your head. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I’m changing though.”

            “I know.”

            He smiled at you and stole your breath away. “I love you.” He entwined your fingers together and Jaylie wiggled in his arm. “Thank you for the second chance,” he whispered. He let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around your waist.

            You leaned against him and smiled at your daughter who was busy taking in her surroundings. “It’s your first shot with Jaylie. She needs a father.”

            He looked down at you, his old mischievous smile tugging at his mouth. “And don’t you need a husband?”

            His strong fingers spanned your waist and you nodded. “I do.”

*****

            That night after Daehyun placed the baby in her crib, he walked through the curtains and made to leave. You took a deep breath and stopped him.

            “Stay.”

            He looked at you and you stared back at him, reading the emotions flitting through his eyes. Remorse, disbelief, relief, love. He pressed his forehead against yours and you raised your hands to rest on his shoulder. The two of you stood together until Daehyun moved to kiss you.

            You shyly hooked a leg around his waist and he carried you to the bed. As he started to take off your shirt, you shrank away. “I just had a baby.”

            He kissed a corner of your mouth. “You’re still beautiful.”

            You blinked back sudden tears and smiled at him. He really had changed. “I love you, Jung Daehyun.” 

 

This was something I was inspired to write. I honestly hope you guys enjoy. 

Welcome to the second edition and I thank you all for your encouraging comments ♥

I love you guys,  I really really do.

I guess second chances exist and all that. This is the longest story I will probably ever write, so enjoy

I hope you guys can give me a lot of feedback on this one. I wrote it out long hand before typing it up. 

And here we go