Sitting across from Myunghee is beyond difficult. Every time I see her I have to fight the urge to reach out and touch her, to hold her hand, stoke her face gently to run my fingers through her soft hair. The long locks fall gently around her face, I must be crazy for thinking she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, especially with his arm wrapped securely around her.

“Jonghyun have you seen it?” He asks; I’m not even sure who he is, all I know is he waltzed in suddenly, his limbs greedily around my Myunghee.

Focusing on him, tall, clean cut, hair slightly long, strong jaw, arms look muscular, “Seen what?” I ask him disinterested in anything he has to say.

“Oppa,” Her voice rings, sweet and blissful, “The firework show!” She says excitedly, “You know the one.” She insists, the one I take her to?

“The one out in the middle of nowhere?” I ask her confused, that’s our thing; we go alone every year. Just us two. Her head nod is crushing me, I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating, “Oh, that…I haven’t heard anything yet.” I lie. I’ve been waiting to tell Myunghee for a week. She’s been busy apparently, at least I know why now. With some jerk who looks like he’s seen more than enough girls, the way he looks at Myunghee makes me sick, but that might be the jealousy talking.

Hearing a phone go off my eyes drift to the guy’s mobile on the table, picking it up he smiles hardly paying any attention to the person calling, he’s just watching Myunghee hungrily. “Alright, bye.”

“What’s up?” She asks brightly smiling at him, “Sanghyun?”

He kisses her cheek, “I have to go, but we can meet for dinner?”

Myunghee glances at me before looking back at Sanghyun, Sanghyun. Ugh. “I can’t Jonghyun and I always eat together on the twentieth of every month.” She says apologetically. Nodding his head he kisses her cheek again and leaves, “What do you think of him?” She asks me almost urgently once he’s gone.

“What?” I ask confused, she changes gears so quickly.

“Kim Jonghyun, you know exactly what I mean.” She says stirring her drink.

I do know what she means; I don’t even have to wonder why she’d bring some guy to meet me. I hate him, he’s too wrong for you on the grounds that he’s not me. “He’s alright, I mean a little eh.” I say lamely, why she can’t just look at me like him hurts, it hurts a lot.

“Oppa! You know I trust you completely, I need to know what you think of Sanghyun before we get too serious.” Myunghee always does this; I pass some guys, others not so much, normally I tell her I wouldn’t get too comfortable with them. This time though I want to tell her something feels off. “Come on, it looks like you’re holding something back.

Sighing I shrug my shoulders, “You really shouldn’t weigh what I think so heavily on your relationships.” I tell her simply, not that I disapprove, I just…It’s getting hard to watch her date all the wrong guys. Glancing at me again, her eyes begging, rolling mine in return I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t like him, maybe it’s the brooding look he has when he’s looking at you or something.” I tell her aversely.

Biting her lip she smiles nodding her head. “You’re never wrong about a guy, you know?” She says quietly, “I want to say you’re wrong…but you know I don’t think you are, not this time.” Getting up she pays for the lunch the three of us ate, leaving me in partial shock.

I never saw Sanghyun again, Myunghee broke it off. I feel guilty but my world with Myunghee went back to normal, very quickly. We had dinner like we always do on the twentieth of every month, went to the fireworks show. Somehow though it wasn’t the same, it may have been normal but it wasn’t the same.

“Why don’t you take Jonghyun?” Key suggests to Myunghee, she has some work thing and she doesn’t want to go alone. “You guys are cute together.”

Myunghee laughs it off, “Key, Jonghyun is like my brother, it’d be weird having to pretend in front of that guy. Besides, he knows Jonghyun and I are just best friends.” I nod my head agreeing with her. I laugh with her at the craziness, how right I could be for her if she’d just let me.

Minho speaks up though, “I have a friend. He’s nice, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind fending off a few lustful guys for a couple of hours.” He says smiling.

“That one guy?” Taemin asks; Minho nods his head, “Myunghee he’s great. Who knows you two might even hit it off.” He jokes smiling.

“Who?” Onew asks; beating me, just as well I don’t want to seem too involved in Myunghee’s love life, well no more than I normally am.

Minho turns to look at Onew, “Nichkhun, I met him a few years ago at work. He’s always fighting off girls though, so I’m sure Myunghee’s aloofness will be a pleasant shock for him.”

Myunghee sighs, “Might as well give it a shot, when can you ask him?”
“Tomorrow, we can go to lunch. We could meet you at the café.” Minho says shrugging his shoulders.

The night of the office party Myunghee asks me to come over to make sure she looks ok. “You look fine.” I tell her helping her into her jacket. She looks more than just fine, she looks stunning; I’ve never seen such a beautiful sight, well at least today, in the last week even. Since she met Nichkhun they’ve taken to getting to know each other. Myunghee even missed out dinner, the dinner we always have.

“Thanks.” She says smiling at me, as the doorbell rings she flushes slightly and readjusts her dress so that the hem is a bit lower, an inch or two from her knees. “Are you sure this dress is okay for the dinner party?” She asks me turning to me before she opens the door, her hand resting on it, shoes on, makeup perfect, hair pulled back in a braid, Myunghee is the picture of perfection.

Nodding my head I pull the door open, my hand over lapping on hers. “Hey Myunghee.” Nichkhun says, I’ve met him, and I’ll admit nothing goes off. He’s nice, charming, interested, but not overly, polite perfect.

“Hey Jonghyun,” He says smiling “Nice night, are you sure you can’t come?”

Laughing I nod my head, “You two have fun though, Myunghee have a good time alright?” I tell her, handing her over. Everything in my body is screaming to grab her hand and tell her how I feel right now. Not to let this moment slip by me.

“Bye Jonghyun thanks.” She says kissing my cheek before Nichkhun’s hand takes hers.

That night I spent it in my apartment drinking bottle after bottle of soju. Completely drunk I remember calling Key, barely, I also remember all my thoughts of Myunghee.

I’d grown up with Myunghee; we’ve known each other since we were kids. Our parents sent us to music together, school; we even went to the same university. I’ve grown so accustomed to having her at my side that it was shocking me to be losing her so quickly. Not to have her at a call away. She was slipping away from me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I fell in love with her in middle school, or at least I realized how I feel about her, in high school I really fell in love. One night we got drunk, just after some dumb test and we both just wanted to be numb, we kissed. It’d been my first, hers too, but when we woke up neither of us ever mentioned it. That night had been the best night of my high school life.

Upon waking up I see Key sitting by my bed reading a book, “You know, you should have just told Myunghee how much she means to you.”

“Key not now.” I say gripping my head in pain, the resonance of his voice killing my head. “I don’t need to talk about it.”

Hearing him set his book down, Key hands me a glass of water and medicine to me “She’s crazy about Nichkhun. He’s great, as you told her.” He continues on, “I however, couldn’t help but notice how quiet you got when she told us about the great time she had with him. Jonghyun I know how you feel about her.”

Glaring at him I swallow the pills and gulp the water down, “Then you know how she feels about me.” I snap. “I’m just an older brother to her. She doesn’t see me as anything more or less.” I say spitefully, and for the first time since I met Myunghee all those years ago I feel anger, hatred and resentment towards her.

Key sighs, “Jonghyun I’m just saying that maybe you waited too long.” Getting up he turns to look at me before leaving my bedroom. “When you called me last night you were sobbing. You know it’s over, I’ve known. Why do you think I’ve tried introducing you to other girls?”

“I don’t know. If you’ve known how much I care for Myunghee then you wasted your time.” I tell him staring straight ahead.

Key bangs softly on the door frame, “She had a good time with Nichkhun. They spent the entire night out according to Minho. Nichkhun made sure to take her home, he called Minho to let you know he got her home safe.”

Sighing in relief I look over at him, “Key I have to get away from her.” I whisper tears welling up, I’m happy that she had a good time, but at the same time I want to rip my insides out to see if it’d hurt more than what I’m feeling right now. Because right now this agony is unbearable.

Key nods his head, “I know.” He says leaving me.

Walking back into my old apartment, I smile gently; it’s been awhile, a year and a half away just spending every moment trying to forget. “So there’s my best friend.” Key says smiling at me. “How was the rest of the world?”

“Ok, I missed home though.” I tell him setting my bags down. “How’s everything here?”

I’d left without saying anything to Myunghee, the guys all told her that it was just as sudden to them, even if it wasn’t. I spent time all over Asia, Europe, America, and even South America. None of it though made me feel any different. There was still this gaping hole mocking me, knowing that I can’t have what I want most.

“She’s been ok; it was rough the first few months.” Key says shrugging his shoulders, “You look just as torn up as when you left.”

Nodding my head I run my hands through my hair, “I couldn’t find anything to take it away.” I tell him, that hollow feeling still mocking me. “Nothing in the world to make me forget.”

“She was furious when you left.” Key says quietly, “It was hard on her not having you around.”

“I know.” I whisper sighing. We’d depended on each other for so long that I grew used to her being there, and I to her. “She pulled through though right?”

“Yeah.” Key says, sharply, short, something’s happened. “Jonghyun before you go to see her, you should know…He’s still with her, they’re still together.”

“Honestly I don’t know how I’ll go and face her. Myunghee will be enraged the second she sees me.” I say quietly, my voice lowering. “I don’t know if I can handle having her so close, but never being able to really hold her.”

“Just go see her.” Key says patting my back, “It’s good to have you back though.” He says smiling at me, although it looks as though he knows something, something so important. “Don’t fall apart too bad. I’ll wait here.”

Confused I stare at him as he pushes me towards the door, I consider just heading out and wasting time about, but something tells me Key would know if I’d really gone to see her or not.

Knocking in her door I’m thoroughly surprised to see Nichkhun answer, “Oh, hey.” He says looking at me completely surprised, “This is a pleasant surprise.” He says happily allowing me in. Entering I see her things being packed away.

“Hey, is Myunghee around?” I ask him looking around at all the boxes, my stomach churning; I’m starting to feel sick.

He smiles, “I’ll go get her.” He says disappearing down the hall towards her room, with him is Myunghee; she’s glowing with beauty and a look of relief as she runs towards me throwing her arms around me. “I’ll go get some more packing tape.” He says leaving.

“I missed you so much you buffoon!” She says hugging me tightly, her tears touching my neck. “God I thought you’d miss it.”

“Miss what?” I ask quietly, my heart pounding, “I missed you so much Myunghee.”

Pulling away she wipes her own tears away, “Jonghyun I can’t believe you just disappeared…” She says backing away, “I thought you’d miss my wedding, if you had…you’d have missed me.” She says smiling at me.

“What?” I ask confused, “What?”

Myunghee smiles at me, the ring on her hand now blindingly obvious, “Khunnie and I are moving to Thailand after our wedding here, then we’ll have another wedding there, a traditional one for his parent’s sake.” She explains.

“Moving to Thailand?” I say unable to portray my grief. “That’s big, marriage, wedding.” I ramble.

She smiles at me, wrapping her arms around me again, “The guys are all coming, and I hope you’re coming too. So much has happened since you left.”

“More?” I ask sitting down on the couch, nodding her head, her hand goes to her other arm rubbing it. “Something bad.” I whisper taking in all the hints, nothing has changed, and I can still read her as if I’d never gone anywhere, like she wasn’t going anywhere.

Myunghee explains about her dad, the heart attack he’d died from, and how now she was hoping I’d walk her down the aisle, she doesn’t trust anyone with that like she does me. Agreeing I smile at her and congratulate her as Nichkhun comes back. Excusing myself from them I leave the apartment and rush back to my own home.

Key is still there, looking at me he nods his head. “I tried to tell you while you were off traveling, but you’d never listen long enough for me to tell you.” He says sighing, “The guys tired too, Jonghyun I’m sorry.” He whispers patting my back.

It was done, it was over. I’d never had a chance, in the end I gave her away, in more than just a wedding ceremony. She invited me to the wedding in Thailand, but I couldn’t watch this twice, I couldn’t do that. I tell her that I can’t get away from my new job. I apologize and hug her good bye for the last time never getting to know if we'd really would have been terrible like she thinks. Maybe I can find a way to come to terms later, right now I think I need to sleep and try my best to forget her.

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