In a way it’s my biggest fault, in way it’s my best feature, but in every way it’s my down fall. I love him so much, it hurts, but I guess that doesn’t really matter? It wouldn’t be interesting if I didn’t feel the way I do about Kim Jonghyun. None of this would have happened if I’d just done what I was told, if I’d just walked away.  I should have walked away from him, I should have listened; I should have done so many things. But it’s like once I met Jonghyun nothing mattered, being with him was all that I cared about. Kim Jonghyun you’re the reason nothing matters to me anymore, you’re the person that means everything to me and you don’t care, I don’t mean anything to you but I’m ok with that because I love you.

Crying I stare at Jonghyun walking away from me, it seems all too surreal for me to grasp. We’re done and it was as simple as walking away from me for him. The crazy thing is I knew this would happen, I knew that I wasn’t the first and I wouldn’t be the last, but I had hopped I would be. The hardest part was the good bye, facing the fact that I’m not his muse, I’m not his inspiration.

Jonghyun had smiled at me, me little ol’me. Park Iseul, all those months ago.

“Don’t smile back at him Iseul.” My friend had thwacked me. “He’s no good, just look at Jooyeon now.”  Hei Ryung said watching me.

“What, what’s wrong with smiling at him?” I had asked her innocently, I knew exactly what’s wrong with it. It’s like playing with fire; once you start you see the danger and the appeal. Jonghyun has the reputation to fall in love with a girl, but then to painfully fall out of love over and over until he decided enough is enough. The real problem is though that girls all fall in love with him, with the spark, how he sees the world and most of fall being in front of the camera.

I fell in love with the photographer, not the lime light, not a bit of the time was I ever thinking of that stupid hobby of his. Jonghyun always had a camera at his side; he was snapping photos of not just me, but whatever was around at the time. I love the passion he has, he shared it like no man had ever before with me, and oh god I fell so in love. I was just one of many, I'd become one of the other girls.

“You ran into him?!” Hei Ryung asks me fuming, “And he’s still not over falling out of love with you?!” She was furious. I couldn’t blame her, what Jonghyun had done to me while he was falling out of love was horrible. The nights I’d spend waiting on a date that would never happen, counting petals and the seconds until he came through the door smiling at me with an excuse ready. “I’m so proud of you, you walked away from him.”

Shaking my head I frown. “I almost didn’t, I was ready to turn around and hear him out.” I whisper tears springing to my eyes still as I recall the run in with Jonghyun. “Hei Ryung he’s like that guy that I keep turning around hoping to see, hoping to hear the apology, the flowers, hoping to see the guy that I fell so in love with.” I tell her wiping the tears away. “And the worst thing is I’m still in love with that guy, I’m still waiting.”

Hugging me she shushes me, “Stop waiting on him, I promise you he’s not likely to change.” She whispers rubbing my back. “He’s not your prince charming waiting, not anymore.” 

An add on from Destructive, chapter 34. Enjoy!

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