Because of you I don’t care anymore, because of you I learned that I can’t stand the heart break, I learned it wasn’t enough to be strong and it wasn’t enough to love you. Reaching rock bottom taught me one thing; that I can’t rely on anyone but myself, I can’t trust that other people will help me up when I fall. The only person I can count on is me.

My life had been just fine, I’d been dumped and I got over it, but I’d never fallen in love, not like I did with Jonghyun, god nothing like that. No one ever made me feel so important, so alive, so happy. Jonghyun only had to smile at me and it was enough, Jonghyun just had to hold my hand and I was set. Jonghyun only had to play around to break my heart over and over again. I’d forgive him always for it because of how much I love him. It didn’t matter how many times I’d tell him I knew, time and time again I’d find myself forgiving him. But you never realize how important someone is to you until that someone is gone, until they walk away from you and leave you alone to cry.

Smiling at Jonghyun I laugh as we make small chat, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him around. I liked it better not seeing. “Iseul you cut your hair?” He says tilting his head, oh not this, I know what comes next, I can’t stay. I can’t do this again.

“Yeah, I needed something different.” After all you always said you loved my hair long, I couldn’t keep that reminder around could I? “Besides it’ll grow back.” Glancing at the door I get ready to edge my way over to it.

Jonghyun shakes his head. “You’re doing well though?” Oh you mean after you left me to cry in the ice cold rain? Or all the times you were with one-of-what’s-her-faces?

I nod my head and smile. “Of course, you know you got to get over things eventually.” I say casually. “Anyways I’ll see you around.” Turning away from him I stride out the door I’d been heading through before he stopped me. It was like all that I’d stopped feeling was coming right back at me.

“Iseul” He said my name as though I’d done wrong, as if I was the one that was caught with someone else. “I want to break up. This just isn’t working for me.”

I felt my heart crumble, I felt it constrict and then loosen before squeezing tight again. “W-w-what?” I ask him as tears sprung to my eyes, him looking at me as though it was all so wrong, that I was wrong to react like I had.

“Iseul don’t make this longer than it has to be.” Jonghyun walked away, I’d been in the wrong for whatever reason, and I’d been the one at fault.

At least that’s what it felt like, that’s how he left me, and I swear for a second I felt that same anxiety, that same heart ache, but just as fast it was gone.

Feeling a hand on my shoulder I turn to see Jonghyun looking at me, that deep penetrating stare. “You know out of everything I’d done to you what I regret most was just a few moments ago.” He says holding my shoulder tightly; he doesn’t give me a chance to ask. “You’re not ok.”

Laughing I rip out of his grip. “I’m fine, I’ve been great Jonghyun.” I say staring him in the eyes. “I don’t know what you see”

Cutting me off he answers despite it being a rhetorical question, statement “It looks like you don’t care about anything, that you aren’t letting anything near you. Like you’re too afraid to be touched.”

Pursing my lips I shrug my shoulders. “Jonghyun I don’t think you really have any room to comment on how I appear, how I am, after all how exactly did you leave me?” I ask him feeling tears fall down my face for the first time. “I was fine how I was before I met you, I’d be ok if I got heartbroken, but then I go and fall in love with you, and suddenly everything comes crashing down.” Crying I bite my lip looking away. “I loved you so much and it didn’t seem to matter to you at all.” I whisper to him my heart just about ready to be ripped out of my chest from the excruciating pain. “It was like I never mattered to you.” I tell Jonghyun, it was the truth I needed to face, it’s what I need someone to tell me when I’d cry my eyes out over him, let my heart ache to be near him, I needed the truth.

“Iseul…” He whispers, before he can even continue I step away from him shaking my head.

Walking away I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand, promising myself I won’t give in to him again, I recognize that tone, the facial expression too much, my heart wouldn’t be able to handle that, not anymore. I can’t be with Jonghyun without destroying myself, not without degrading my esteem, I’d rot away being with him, my love for Jonghyun is too destructive for me to actually be with him.

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