Gunsmile’s POV

I failed, and now I am suffering.

Life was not difficult before. I have two good friends and people around me laugh at my lame jokes—especially—Toptap. I am not the most good looking person in our batch but I am really good at fitting in. I am still amazed by now how I ended up with Toptap and Ai’Sing because technically—they were closer before I even became part of their small group.

We hang out, eat together, watch movie, play together—and technically the three of us did everything together without me noticing that I already ruined the friendship that Toptap and Ai’Sing have in the beginning—before I happened.

When Toptap confessed his feelings to be, I must admit—I was scared. Why? Because I don’t know if I should feel happy to have Toptap’s affection for me or be sad because I didn’t expect Toptap to have that kind of feelings for me. So in the end, I didn’t say anything to him because I thought that was the best solution before—but I was wrong. Toptap stopped hanging out with us—he didn’t just abandon me but also Ai’Sing. I was frustrated. I wasn’t able to eat well. I wasn’t able to concentrate during my classes. I wasn’t able to function well just because Toptap decided that he is better off without me than getting rejection from me.

My good friend that time, P’Na—he is my cousin’s boyfriend so we became good friends—anyway, he told me to think about the situation very well and to weight things. In short, he asked me so many things regarding Toptap and our relationship with each other and many possibilities and then I realized how much I want Toptap to stay with me. After my conversation with P’Na I went straight to Toptap’s house because I know for a fact that he will not meet me if I ask him out.

In my life, that must be the wisest decision I’ve made. When I told Toptap that I want him to stay with me forever and not be away from me anymore because I don’t think I can make it without him with me—he gave me his biggest, brightest, and sweetest smile and after that we started dating. And now, I robbed that smile off him.

To be honest, those two years I’ve been with Toptap was the most unforgettable moment of my life. I cried, I laugh, I got mad, I did many things I thought I won’t be able to do. I was so nervous that I thought I would faint when I begged Toptap’s parents for our relationship approval. His mother was okay that time—maybe a bit okay but his father was so scary whenever I remember that time. But I made it because Toptap assures me all the time that we will make it and he will always be there for me.

So why did I end up with nothing? How did I end up broken? And why did I fail—as a boyfriend, and for ensuring my relationship with Toptap.

“How long are you planning na khrab to shut yourself here in your room na Ai’?” P’Na kicked my bedroom door and it swings open revealing me of course, lying on my bed but not doing anything to stop him. He really did kick it hard because people are not in our house today. “P’—I am not in the mood na khrab,” I answered without even planning to let him stay longer here in my room.

What I did is, I turn to the opposite side of my bed so that I don’t need to face this P’, “P’Gunsmile, you need to tell us about what’s happening na khrab~” then I heard my cousin, Ai’Min who is of course P’Na’s boyfriend. “There’s nothing to talk na khrab,” I said without turning around and then I feel my bed moves which means they probably sit on my bed, “This is not working na khrab Na,” my cousin said and of course whipped P’Na will always agree to him, “Chai Min! I think na khrab, we should call Ai’Toptap,” my body voluntarily feel the electricity when I heard Toptap’s name and of course the ring from the other line scares me.

The phone is on speaker mode but I didn’t dare to turn around. The ringing continues and I am losing hope because no matter how close my cousin to Toptap, I don’t think he will—“Wadee khrab Ai’Min~” and his voice echoes inside my room. He sounds better, happy, and same—same as before, “Sawadee khrab P’Toptap~” Ai’Min said, “Sawadee khrab~” and P’Na said. I heard a loud chuckled on the other line and somehow, his laughter is hurting me now.

“P’Na, Ai’Min, I haven’t seen both of you for a long time na khrab~” Toptap talked again this time he sounds really happy. I bit my lower lips and continue to listen, “Let’s meet up soon na Ai’Toptap,” P’Na said and he really likes Toptap even before we started dating, “Anyway na P’Toptap, I want to ask you something,” and the real deal starts now.

I sigh and face it. I turn around and saw both Ai’Min and P’Na sitting on the edge of my bed but both of them are looking at me. Ai’Min opens his mouth, “Do you know na khrab—what’s wrong with P’Gunsmile?” and Ai’Min asked without hesitating. I don’t want to hear it again, it’s too much already to hear it from Toptap once, “Huh? Ai’Gunsmile?” and I feel a sharp piercing pain on my chest when I heard how we said my name and of course the look on my cousin and my friend’s face when they heard the unusual honorific coming from Toptap.

I gulp the imaginary lump on my throat, “Didn’t he tell you na Ai’Min? We—broke up na khrab last—” “ALAIWA?!?” both P’Na and Ai’Min shouted at the same time and once again the memory of our break up flashes on my mind—very vivid—like it only happened today.

I can remember the pain, the throbbing pain all over my body because of the bruises and the open wound inside my chest when Toptap called it quits between the two of us. He is right, how can I call myself his boyfriend if all I did is to make him insecure and broke him many times?

I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation because I suddenly found myself sitting on my bed because P’Na forced me up, “Are you crazy Ai’Gunsmile?” he is mad. I know how much he adores Toptap and he has all the rights to be angry right now. He is my friend but that doesn’t mean he will be on my side all the time. “I am,” I said without any emotion because I am so tired already. Ai’Min looks worried on the other side but he isn’t stopping his boyfriend, “Ai’Toptap didn’t say anything na khrab. He said that he broke up with you na khrab last Songkran and I still don’t know na Ai’Gunsmile why aren’t you saying anything na khrab!”

I smile finally, but not the kind of smile that means happiness. I am breaking—inside and outside, “It’s my fault na khrab P’Na—I—I made him feel like that na khrab and drove him like that P’.” I bit my inner cheeks but keep on smiling, “P’Gunsmile—please! stop,” Ai’Min looks so worried but all I can do is sigh, “He told me na khrab—that I didn’t really love him na khrab for our two years’ relationship—and I just love the idea na khrab of being with him because I want him to be by myside—” I nod my head finally understanding why he told me that, “I do—love being with him na khrab. The idea of being separated with him and not being with him scares the out of me—and with me preventing him na khrab to not be away from me—I messed up our relationship,” I kept everything in me for the past few weeks.

I’ve been in the dark for few weeks and I didn’t tell anything to anyone because I am so scared to face reality—that Toptap and I—aren’t together anymore. If I talk about this, then it will feel more real. “What else?” P’Na asked me. I really cannot hide anything from this guy. He knows everything, “Ai’Sing—Toptap heard Ai’Sing na khrab pursuing me to tell Toptap that he—he has feelings for me na khrab because he didn’t want to hide something from Toptap,” I saw a glimpse of Ai’Min and he looks so shocked but P’Na didn’t say anything, “I was so afraid P’—I don’t want to make that issue as a problem na khrab between Ai’Sing and Toptap so I kept on telling Ai’Sing no—but Toptap—” “He heard both of you,” and so he concluded.

I nod my head, “Chai—P’—and Toptap told me that from the very beginning—I was aware na khrab that he is jealous of Ai’Sing—but he told me that I assured him that nothing really is happening—but—” “He probably felt so hurt P’,” Ai’Min voiced out his thoughts and we all know he is right, “He is—that was why na khrab—he decided to—give me this time to fix myself first and if—by the time I am okay na khrab and he still—loves me then—we can still—” I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Suddenly, I feel something wet on my arm and when I look down I saw few drops of water and soon there are more, “Ai’,” P’Na called me and I probably look pathetic in front of them, “He sounds—happy now P’Na. I—I don’t know if by—the time comes—will I still have na khrab—my Toptap? Am I—really an idiot na khrab—for not figuring out if—I really did love him during—our two years relationship na khrab?—Because P’—I am not confident to say that—I really do love him during—our relationship—because I forgot about—figuring out when I am with him.” I pour my heart out to them and I’d never been this confused and angry to myself before.

I cry so much that I thought there will no more water in my body because now—I realized—that it’s really over. I don’t have him anymore. He got tired and let go of me already—and I am—so miserable right now.

For chapter 70, all I want guys is for all of you to see the different side of the story. We are all aware of how much Toptap suffered but we don’t know about Gunsmile. Enjoy~