Toptap’s POV

I am too depressed to go to the university but I woke up this morning with a loud honking sound and my phone and alarm clock were both ringing. It looks like Ai’Cap did his best to set my alarm yesterday and put to my phone to the highest volume. So I don’t have any choice this morning but to wake up, fix myself, and go downstairs only to see P’White’s luxury car outside our yard and Ai’Cap waving his hand.

And now, here I am, sitting at the back seat with Ai’Cap on the passenger seat and P’White on the driver’s seat. “Humm—I want dumplings again for breakfast but Ai’Toptap likes noodles. Should we go to a ramen shop?” he isn’t asking me, instead he is asking P’White.

Even though I am depressed, I am still happy for Ai’Cap. He finally found someone he can express his feelings very well. “Okay—I think there’s one near the university na khrab. It’s still early so we can drop by and take out the ramen na khrab and bring it in school so we can buy your favorite steamed dumplings,” I don’t think they realized that I am breathing and existing right now.

I shake my head and slouch on the seat, “By the way na khrab, last night—ahm P’Gun talked to me—” I close my eyes and just listen to them, “He said that P’Donghae knew about—everything na khrab~” Ai’Cap is nervous but he is holding it in very well surprisingly, “P’Donghae? Your P’Hyuk’s boyfriend?” and P’White was uncertain. “Chai P’, well ahm—P’ actually—P’Gun told me last night that P’Donghae and him will support us na khrab so—do you have time after Songkran?”

‘My friend—you are so easy to read~’

“Yeah, sure Cap I have time na khrab,” although I am 80% sure that P’White is nervous, he still faced this very well. I hope Gunsmile is the same with P’. “Let’s talk to P’Hyuk. Let’s tell him about us na khrab. P’Gun will be there so I will be less nervous—and you are also there—you won’t let me go—right?” I smile a bit. Since when did Ai’Cap become this vocal?

This is the only time I realized that hearing other couple is fun especially at the start of their relationship. Gunsmile and I were the same before when we were just starting and now I wish we can go back to that time where the only thing matters was what food should we eat every lunch and not about our ing feelings for each other.

The three of us are sitting here in our college cafeteria because Ai’Cap is obsess with the rice porridge and steamed dumplings here. I have my Shio Ramen in front of me but somehow I don’t have enough appetite to finish this off. Every day, Gunsmile will drop by my college and bring me a bowl of Shio Ramen. That’s the reason why Ai’Cap knew about my favorite food. But right now, this ramen, it only reminds me of Gunsmile.

“Ai’, are you okay? Don’t you like your food?” P’White suddenly asked me. We aren’t really that close so it’s very awkward for me that he is worrying about me right now. I smile at him, “I am okay P’ khrab. Thank you for worrying about me,” my voice came out low and soft. Like I don’t want to speak anymore. Ai’Cap who’s sitting beside me touches my arm, “Ai’, you don’t need to say you’re okay when you are not na khrab. You know, when I was young—P’Hyuk always tells me and P’Gun that you will only know if a person is hurting or not when you ask them if they are okay, khrab.” I forced a smile because I making Ai’Cap worry.

Ai’Cap has his own fair share of problems and I don’t want him to think about my problems too. “I will be okay Ai’Cap. I am stronger than what I look, right?” I hate being so fragile in front of those people who sees me as a strong person. So instead of thinking about my losing appetite, I grab my chopsticks and start eating my ramen. I didn’t say a word—instead I show them that I can eat. I heard a loud sigh before Ai’Cap starts to eat as well.

“No rush, Ai’Toptap. Here’s your Thai tea.” I am glad because I know that Ai’Cap is in good hands. P’White is such a caring person and this is the mistake I did when I started a relationship with Gunsmile. I knew him for the longest possible time and I knew his capabilities. He isn’t the most affectionate, or loving, or smart guy out there that ever courted me. He wasn’t even sure about his feelings when we started dating and I think he got stuck in the moment because he likes the idea that we will not be separated anymore if we will start a relationship.

Gunsmile is a simple person, he just want to be with me because he values me so all through our relationship—what he felt is just a sense of self-assurance that I will not leave him. I should have find a better man—a man that will pour love to me and not me who is pouring out affection—in fact, I don’t have the rights to complain right now. Gunsmile did me a favor of being his lover—so who am I to complain if Ai’Sing has feelings for him?

I was jealous about Ai’Sing all along and Gunsmile knew about this because I never hide anything from him. He knew that I was being insecure that Ai’Sing is always with him and even though Gunsmile is such a talented musician he still chose to be with Ai’Sing’s college and not with me. I should have gotten the clue before but I was too blinded by my overflowing love for Gunsmile.

I lost my sense of taste anymore because the ramen taste so bland right now. I inhale sharply when I felt Ai’Cap’s hand on my cheeks, “Please, don’t cry na Ai’,” he said with the saddest tone I’ve ever heard from him. His other hand touches my other cheeks and wipes the tears away. I sob harder this time, “The—ramen—doesn’t taste—good—Ai’Cap~” I said in between my sobs because that is the only excuse I can think off why I am crying right now.

Ai’Cap’s eyes are turning watery now, “It’s okay Ai’Toptap—everything will be okay,” he assures me over and over again and all I can do is nod.

‘How did I deserve a friend like Ai’Cap?’

The hardest part of the day is when I saw Gunsmile outside my classroom during lunch break. I did my best to hide from him this morning but all my effort got wasted when I saw him—oh my mistake—I saw them. Yes, the two of them.

I am still thankful to see P’Gun, P’Title, P’Plan, P’Mean, and P’White outside my classroom. It looks like a big reinforcement happened while I was too busy being depressed. I am amazed of what Ai’Cap can do for me. “P’ khrab~” I called out to them and they all have the same genuine smile on their faces—well except P’Mean that doesn’t normally smile to me and P’White who knows about my situation. So it’s safe to assume that Ai’Cap didn’t tell anyone about my situation.

“Toptap—let’s talk,” I felt Gunsmile’s presence beside me but I completely ignore him and act as normal as possible in front of my band mates, “Are we going to eat together na P’?” I asked them brightly and P’Plan smile is blinding, “Chai—chai Ai’. Ai’White said he will treat everyone na khrab outside the campus so I brought Mean here so we have more car to use na khrab!”

‘P’Plan is such a happy pill.’

I run towards them completely ignoring Gunsmile and Ai’Sing who are already beside me, “Let’s go na P’? I am hungry~” I should major in theater arts too. I am such a good actor, “Eh? Aren’t Ai’Gunsmile and Ai’Sing will go with us, Ai?” P’Title chooses to speak now when it’s not necessary. I keep my smile but Ai’Cap answered for me, “Nope P’, Ai’Toptap said they have papers to finish na khrab—” and I saw how Ai’ slowly turns at Gunsmile and Ai’Sing, “Right, Ai’? I think both of you are busy na khrab today.” I bit my inner cheeks to prevent from saying something.

Since Ai’Cap is not facing the band and I am the one facing them, I saw everyone nods their heads, “Well—come one—I am starving already na woie. I haven’t had breakfast yet!! Nong Heemi ate too much I though she will eat the plates too—woie I wonder where that girl puts all the food in her stomach~” P’Gun complained and thankfully we started walking already or else I might change my mind and look back.

P’Plan and P’Gun are talking loudly while I can’t help but notice how P’White take good care of Ai’Cap. When we arrived in the Korean restaurant outside our university, P’White pulled a chair for Ai’Cap. He gave him utensils and even cooks meat for him. I don’t want to feel envious but I do feel it. Gunsmile is such a caring person even though I wasn’t sure if he feels the same from me.

He pampers me in every possible way. Buy food for me every day, fetch me to school every day, bring me back home every day, waited until my band practice is over, went to all of my band performances, and scream his heart out whenever we perform on stage. He did a lot for me which makes me love him more and more every day but I realized that sometimes, it isn’t enough. Sometimes, all you need is to hear him tells you that he loves you—he will not leave you—you will be together till the end of time.

But he never did. “Woei—stop it na khrab! I will throw up soon for all of the sweetness here!” P’Gun’s loud voice echoes inside the restaurant making people who are eating to look at us, “Isn’t it enough that Ai’Mean is blowing all the meat so that Ai’Plan can eat them all? Why do I also need to see Ai’White cutting meat and preparing Samgyupsal na khrab for Ai’Cap? You are all making me feel lonely na khrab~” somehow P’Gun has this natural talent to make people smile.

In normal circumstances I would probably already but I cannot open my mouth, “Aww—Ai’, that’s why I told you to give P’Mark another chance na kharb!” but it looks like P’Mean and P’Gun are in good terms already because the teasing role was passed down to him. I eat silently while P’Gun throw handful of tissues to P’Mean, “Woie! Don’t say his name! He isn’t here anymore na Ai’! You told me yesterday na khrab that he is busy with another boy right? Let him be!” P’Gun said which earns some laughter from everyone in the table.

I eat another piece of meat and didn’t try to talk, “Woie—Ai’Toptap—why are you silent today? Did you transform into your P’Title now?” I love you P’Plan but you’re on wrong timing. I look at them and see curious eyes of people, “I am just glad to hear everyone happy na khrab!” I answered using my normal tone.

Ai’Cap’s hands suddenly pat my shoulder, “Aww—you sounds like Mae,” he joked around and the start of teasing happened again.

‘Thank you Ai’Cap, for saving me again. I don’t know how many times you will save me but I am grateful regardless.’

We continue eating and my appetite is getting better when suddenly my phone inside my pocket vibrates. I quickly put down my chopsticks to check my phone. It’s Line message—and it’s from Ai’Sing. My heart pounds so loud and fast as I click the icon to check the long message.

Ai’Sing: Ai’Toptap, I was trying to type the word I am sorry but it doesn’t come out. Why? Maybe it’s because I am not sorry at all that you heard me telling Ai’Gunsmile about my feelings—again. You might think that I am the villain in your story and I shouldn’t be forgiven for what I did. I know you trusted me more than any other people but Ai’, it’s better that you find out about this rather than me lying to you all the time. Yes, I’ve been in love with your boyfriend na khrab since high school. Maybe longer than you—but I don’t have the same guts na khrab that you have when you confessed to Ai’Gunsmile. I was so broken hearted khrab when you told me about your confession but also happy when you said that Ai’Gunsmile didn’t response to you na. I was hoping that he wouldn’t even response to you—but you decided to separate yourself na khrab to us which makes Ai’Gunsmile furious and confused. You didn’t want to talk to him na anymore and you know how much he likes you right? He likes you more than he likes me na Ai’, so from that moment I knew I was on the losing side. I decided to forget about my feeling for him but Ai’Gunsmile decided to have the same major as me so my hope was lit up again even though he told me na khrab that you started dating already. I watched as the guy I love and my friend act so in love and show the world that they are together na Ai’. I didn’t complain but settled myself as the third wheel to both of you—until Ai’Gunsmile found out about my feelings for him when we were drunk. It wasn’t an intentional confession Ai’Toptap, please believe me—but I didn’t regret it because finally I was able to tell Ai’Gunsmile about my feelings. He didn’t want the same thing to happen when you distanced yourself from us before na khrab so he acted like the confession didn’t happen. But Ai’—I was so scared that you will get mad so I told him the other day that I will tell you about my feelings for him—I just—didn’t mean it that you overheard our conversation. Ai’—what I am trying to say is that—it’s all my fault—I was the one who have feelings for Ai’Gunsmile and he isn’t the one to blame. If you want to get mad at some—you should get mad at me na Ai’. I will accept all of it—but as I said in the beginning, I am not feeling sorry about my feelings for Ai’Gunsmile. I do hope you will be able to talk to us na soon so you can hear his side too. I am begging you Ai’—not for me but for Ai’Gunsmile’s sake. He will go crazy soon thinking about you. Please!

So what I am saying is that—this is a surprise chapter hahahhaha enjoy~