Toptap’s POV

Would you call me selfish if I will say that I didn’t meet up with Ai’Sing or even Gunsmile even though both of them messaged me already? I wasn’t being hard to get but I am learning how to give something back to myself. I’ve given almost everything to Gunsmile and you know hanging out with P’White and Ai’Cap—seeing their relationship—I realized that it isn’t enough to give everything to your partner. Both of you should learn how to give to each other. Me being depressed over my failed relationship is getting better now.

“I haven’t seen Ai’Gunsmile these days,” my Mae khrab asked me this morning before I ran off with Ai’Cap for Songkran. I smiled at her before saying, “You might not see him for a while na Mae,” but I didn’t tell her the reason why. My Mae wasn’t unsupportive about my relationship with Gunsmile unlike my Pa. But still, even though I am having a big fight with Gunsmile, I don’t want my parents to look bad at him.

‘The Toptap, you need to stop caring about him na khrab!’

I want to get mad at myself for loving him so much.

I saw Ai’Cap and P’White outside my house again and it has been three days that they’ve been fetching me here in my house. The only difference, P’White didn’t bring his expensive car because during Songkran, it’s better to walk or ride motorcycle than being stuck by the traffic because of people outside the street. “Good morning na khrab~” I wai at both of them and they did the same, “Morning~” they said in union.

They’ve been together for only few days but they are getting in sync as time goes by. “Do you guys want to eat breakfast first?”  P’White said and I know my friend very well, “I don’t think it’s possible na khrab. I don’t like to eat in crowded places na White. Can we just buy street foods later?” Ai’Cap is very sensitive to time that he doesn’t really like waiting for a long time. Once we were buying food at a fast food chain and the food didn’t arrive after 10 minutes, he talked to the manager.

‘P’White there’s more that you need to learn to Ai’Cap.’

I wish I was aware of my differences with Gunsmile before. If I only noticed about small things like with Ai’Cap and P’White, I can prevent falling so hard and deep to him. I ignored everything that people told me because I was too blinded by my feelings for him. If I listened to them, I wouldn’t probably insisted my feelings for him. I wouldn’t probably ended up with him. I would be happier—maybe. But damn it—I wouldn’t be happier because I know to myself that Gunsmile made me happy.

They are right; too much happiness will bring you sadness in the end.

Khao San Road is near my house. Only 10 minutes by feet so we don’t need to bring bicycle or motorcycle or even car. “Ai’Toptap, I told my P’Hyuk na khrab that I will go with you today. I said you are kind of sad na khrab so that he will let me go. He actually wanted all of us to celebrate Songkran na khrab but I can’t be with White and also you if I will go with them,” I chuckled which finally I can again after hearing Ai’Cap’s explanation, “Don’t make me your excuse na khrab. I know that you just want to be with P’White,” and now I can joke around with Ai’Cap.

I haven’t moved on but I am moving forward. Meaning, the pain is still there but I need to face reality and progress because I cannot be stuck forever. “White~” I’ve never imagined in my life that I will see Ai’Cap whined in front of someone. I smile seeing this kind of interaction from my friend, “You do know that Ai’Toptap is right—khrab? or you don’t want to see me today na Cap?” I can already see the downfall of the great Captain Chonlathorn Na Ranong.

‘My poor Ai’Friend~’

I am too entertained by my friends that I got startled when my phone starts buzzing and ringing loudly from my pocket. I can see Ai’Cap and P’White looking at me but I am too focused on my phone. “Who?” Ai’Cap asked and all I can do is sigh, “Ai’Sing,” I said right away feeling tired already just by seeing his name on the caller ID. Without thinking twice, Ai’Cap grabs my phone and answers the call for me.

“Ai’Sing—how many times do we need to tell you that—” but Ai’ suddenly stopped mid-sentences. His facial expression suddenly changes, “Hang on na Ai’—calm down—khrab—WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY RIGHT AWAY NA AI’??” and he is shouting so suddenly. I immediately grab my phone from him while P’White holds Ai’Cap’s hand. I sigh again, “What do you na Ai’? Why did Ai’Cap got mad—” “! Ai’Toptap please stop being like Ai’Cap—you need to go here now—in Ai’Gunsmile’s house,” I don’t get it why he is panicking and why do I need to go to Gunsmile’s house? I am trying to stay away from him—remember?

I stomp my feet again and again on the ground while P’White is still trying to make Ai’Cap calm, “Ai’Sing, I will not go there,” I said firmly because this is the right thing to do right now and no one can force me. The other line went silence before, “Ai’Gunsmile is wasted and injured. He got into fight na khrab last night while drinking alone. They were trying to call you na khrab but I think you blocked his phone number. He doesn’t want to go to the hospital na khrab and he is sober now. I don’t know what to do to him na Ai’.” My heart beats so fast so suddenly. He never drink alcohol even before—he never learns how to.

I keep on processing the information just now, “! I’ll be there!” I said before ending the call and running back to my house leaving Ai’Cap and P’White.

‘I will be there na Gunsmile. ! Why are you making me worried about you na Ai’? I hate you so much! I hate you! I hate you! SHIYA!!! I HATE YOU GUNSMILE!!’

I don’t need to ring the bell at Gunsmile’s house, I have their spare key and I hate to admit that I have the key in my wallet even though we weren’t seeing each other for a while. My steps are so big I thought I can go straight into his room so fast—but he wasn’t in his room and surprisingly Ai’Sing in not in the house. No one is in the house except Gunsmile laying on the living room with bruises all over his arm and face.

His eyes looks straight at me as I walk slowly this time towards him, “Toptap~” he called out my name and this is the worst state of him that I’ve ever seen. I sigh before sitting next to him, “What happen to you?” I asked him straight up but he shakes his head, “I missed you na khrab~” he said again and I can smell alcohol all over him. I closed my eyes as the emotion suddenly rush in again like when I saw him and Ai’Sing—like when I heard Ai’Sing pursuing him to tell me about his feelings.

I feel his hands on my cheeks but that doesn’t help at all, “Are you hurt?” I tried asking again and my voice will crack soon—I know because my tears will fall off the moment I open my eyes, “I know na khrab—that you are more hurt Toptap,” he answered me and that triggers me to open my eyes and let my tears fall again, “Then—why did you do it? Why—why did you hide—it from me?” I want to know what is he afraid off and why did he choose to break my trust.

His eyes look so sad—maybe the saddest eyes he has since he is such a happy person, “Because—I don’t want this to happen. We are—not okay—and Ai’Sing and you are not okay.” I want to curse him but my tears are preventing me because the feeling of hurt is greater than my anger, “This wouldn’t—happen Gunsmile—if you tell me—at the first place. Do—do you really—think that I—won’t understand na khrab—if you didn’t get scared—and let Ai’Sing—tell me directly?” I am not screaming but my heart is aching so much.

He grabs both of my shoulder and I didn’t even try to get away from him because I know that I need to face him, “It’s my mistake Toptap. I know you should blame me—but I don’t want to lose you na khrab~” but his words don’t make sense for me anymore. His words sound like lie to me, “Do you—want to be—with me because—you love me or do you want to be—with me because—you need me?” my words hurt me but I need to face reality. If I will not know—then I don’t think I can move on while moving forward.

Somehow, Gunsmile looks so hurt, “Do you—really think that—I am still confused?” Isn’t he? “Yes!” I said right away without blinking. I push his hands off my shoulder then wipe my tears away using the back of my hands. “Toptap—I’ve been in a relationship with you na for 2 years na khrab. I don’t think I would spend 2 years to a person I don’t have feelings, right?” he is getting mad but I don’t know why—I don’t understand why.

I raised my voice this time, “Isn’t it like what you—said before? You will try—right? Gunsmile—I waited and waited—until you will be ready na khrab—to open your heart for me. I’ve waited—long enough and—I thought you were—almost there when you stood—up for me—when my parents—said that our relationship—was just an ambition—and it doesn’t happen in real—life. I was so happy—na khrab when—you told my parents—that you love me and—you will fight for me—but Gunsmile—you never really love me—you just like—the idea of being—with me and being—in love na khrab. I’ve told you—for many times—that I am jealous—I am insecure na khrab—of your closeness with Ai’Sing—but you said,—you assured me—that nothing is going—on and you—are just good friend. Do you know—why I am so—mad? Because Gunsmile—I gave you chance—to tell me—explain to me—but you didn’t do it. I was—hurt because—I wasn’t feel secure na khrab—that my boyfriend—really loves me—and will stay with me—because I haven’t really—felt and wasn’t really—sure about your—feelings.” I poured my heart out and all the pain that I’ve been keeping in here. I let them all out because I know I will regret if I will not.

I hate that sad look on his face and those tears streaming down already but I cannot do this anymore, “Khor thot khrab Toptap—if I make you feel like—that na khrab.—Khor thot khrab—if you didn’t—feel my love for you—na khrab. I must be a—terrible boyfriend to you—but Toptap—I do love you—and if you just give me—another chance na khrab to prove—” I cut him, “No,” and more fresh batch of tears fell off my eyes, “Gunsmile—” why does his name hurts me now?

I gulp the invisible lump inside my throat, “I love you—I do love you—you cannot imagine—how much I do—so please—please—fix yourself first—and when you are whole again—when you are ready to love me back—then that time—asked me for another chance na khrab. That—time—I will give you another chance—that time I can call you Gunsmile again—and not Ai’.” I only realized one thing, breaking my heart isn’t as painful as breaking up with the person you love. “I am—letting you go—na khrab—Ai’Gunsmile,” and finally I said the words that I am afraid to hear for him. I didn’t know that in the end—I will be the one who will break up with him.

‘Loving you Gunsmile is the best thing that happened in my life and I am so grateful na khrab to spent my 2 years with you. I love you but we need to stop holding into each other na khrab.’

I GOT HURT MY GOODNESS MY BABY~