Captain’s POV

It’s so awkward. I hate eating breakfast feeling like everyone in the dining room is looking at everywhere else. I hate things more in university. I cannot be with the person I love because I don’t want to make my brother more upset. And above all, I hate things in the classroom. Ai’Toptap wasn’t in school yesterday and today he arrived quite late and he looks the worst. I hate it! I hate it!

The only thing that keeping me in tack is my passion for music and the upcoming event that we will have this weekend—but I am worried. How can we even tell our parents that we will be home late without making P’Hyuk think that I will see White?

Thinking too much is so exhausting and I don’t want to be more stress out. I also wanted to talk to Ai’Toptap but when I looked at him today, he is sleeping on his desk so I decided to visit P’Gun because he told me last night that P’Plan is still not in university. I wonder when they will come back. We need to practice tomorrow already, “P’Gun, why aren’t you complaining now na khrab about the couples?” I suddenly got curious because P’s mood was so good yesterday.

P’ smiles at me while eating the meatballs he probably bought for the two of us before I went to his classroom, “Your P’Gun and P’Mark are okay now,” he proudly say but I have this huge wide grin on my face, “Woie!!! P’, I thought you are not gay na khrab?” and because this progress is unexpected. P’ suddenly snarled at me, “Ai’Cap—what I mean is—we are friends now. Actually, if we will set aside his boldness na khrab, he is such a rational person na woie. Did you know, I saw him talking to Ai’White yesterday—” “With White?” I know that they are both from IC but I was not aware that White and P’Mark became this close. I should ask White when we see each other.

‘I miss him suddenly! This is P’Gun’s fault! He reminded him of me~’

P’Gun nods his head eagerly, “Chai Ai’—I didn’t know that they are so close na woie. But I heard P’Mark giving advice na khrab to Ai’White on how to make P’Hyuk approves your relationship. Woie!! I suddenly feel glad that P’Mark was there! He said something about working hard for something that we want—so after that I told P’ that I don’t want to be more than friends with him so he said we can be friends. I said ‘Alright na P’,’ and yeah, it looks like I did a good thing na Ai’,” he really sounds so amazed to P’Mark and actually the advice was not bad.

If you will ask me, P’Mark is correct. We need to work hard on something that we want so White should prove himself to P’Hyuk so that P’ will approve our relationship. I grab my chopsticks and started eating together with P’Gun, “I am so glad you made that big step na P’,” it looks like my P’ is getting smarter now. I cannot be more proud of him, “Woie~” he swallows his food, “Not big step na Ai’—I didn’t even step bigger yesterday. I was just standing right in front of P’Mark not far from him,” I almost face palm when I heard what he said.

‘I get it back!! My P’ will still be slow witted like his best friend P’Plan!’

My class ends at night today and the whole day—Ai’Toptap was sleeping but he is awake now thankfully. He woke up because it’s already time to go home. I am starting to worry about him because Ai’ usually is very loud too and very jolly. He always teases me or makes fun of people around us but today—he is worse than those zombie movies that P’Gun has been watching lately.

So I quickly put my things on my bag and run towards Ai’s seat before he can even stand up, “Ai’—let’s go?” I asked him but seeing his face closer—he looks worse really than those zombies. The bags under his eyes are so deep and big. His eyes are bloodshot red and his mouth is hanging open like he wants to say something but he is not speaking at all. I sigh again, “Let me help you~” I mumbled before grabbing all of his stuffs and putting them all in his bag.

I even need to pull him up and put his bag on his back, “Come on Ai’—” I feel bad. What happened to my friend? Ai’Toptap walks when I pulled him and I am not sure where to go especially with his current condition right now. There are only few students because it’s quite late already and I am so glad that no one sees us. I don’t want someone to stop us from walking because I am not sure if Ai’ will walk anymore after that.

We continue walking around the school ground, “We should—” I look around to find a space where we can stop and talk, “Ai’Cap—” but he called my name. I quickly look at him and he has this weak smile on his face, “I brought my car,” it’s not only his face is lifeless—but also his voice.

We continue walking towards the parking lot and I can already see his car. I volunteered to grab the car key, open the driver’s seat and let Ai’Toptap there while I go in the passenger’s seat. When the aircon is already open, we only stay like that. Ai’ is not talking and I am breathing heavily, “Ahm—” I want to start but I am not sure how, “Ai’Cap—I broke up with Ai’Gunsmile~” “ALAIWA??” I shouted.

I look at Ai’ and his face looks so sad—looks so broken—looks so lifeless. What happened to his in love face? Or to his bright smile? “During Songkran—I went to his house na khrab—and set him free—khrab,” how did I miss that? How bad am I as his friend that I wasn’t able to see that my friend is suffering already? “Ai’~” I called out to him and even reaches out my hand, “Don’t—please Ai’Cap—don’t pity me,” but he stopped me. I close my eyes and breathe in before opening them again, “I was the one who said good bye Ai’—I shouldn’t be the one suffering so much—but Ai’—” his tired face looks so pitiful, “It hurts here na khrab!” and he started punching his chest lightly again and again.

Ai’Toptap doesn’t have energy anymore to talk or to even move or to even explain but he is explaining it to me right now and I cannot imagine how much pain he is in right now, “He only looked at me Ai’Cap—he only—looked at me,” and suddenly, a thread of tear drops from his eyes, “When I told him na Ai’ that—I want to—set him free—I was still hoping that—he will—he will stop me and—said that—‘No Toptap—you are wrong—I am in love—with you,’ but he—looked at me with—sad eyes—with his crying—face na khrab—then he—nodded his head. He—didn’t stop me—Ai’—even if I know—I want to break up—but Ai’—he didn’t say—anything and just—let me go. Am I—easy to—let go? He said—he loves me—but he didn’t even—try to—hold more into—me~” I quickly pull him into a tight hug when I know that he needs this more than my comforting words.

He continue crying his heart out, “My whole world—Ai’Cap—my whole—world revolved—around him na—khrab. I only—want his affection—and love—but he let me—go Ai’. It hurts—I thought it will—be gone after—some few—days but Ai’—the pain is still—here. Can I still move—on? I thought—I can when I said—everything to him—but every time I—close my eyes—or when I look—around my room—our memories—keep on popping—everywhere—in every corner. I don’t—know what to do anymore—so I went to—class today na Ai’—but I saw him—he looks okay—and I am not~” I caress his back up and down trying to calm him down by not saying anything, “Ai’Cap—how can he—betray me? I—I’ve given too much—to him,—my heart na khrab—even—” but he paused.

“Even?” I asked him to continue and Ai’Toptap’s sob grew louder so suddenly, “Even—” he said it again then I feel his head drop on my shoulder and whispered in my ears, “myself~” I didn’t say anything. Do I have the rights to say something? Ai’Toptap and Ai’Gunsmile knew what they were doing. They are not kids anymore so I don’t mind though I must admit that I am a bit shocked, “Aren’t you—going to—say something—Ai’?” he asked me. This friend, I knew him very well too.

Again, I pat his back softly, “You were lovers Ai’—I would probably be more shocked if you will tell me that you didn’t do anything more than kissing. And you know—P’Plan is very noisy about his bedroom activities but good thing P’Gun wasn’t able to catch most of it.” I smile, “What I was saying Ai’—you don’t need to feel bad or you don’t need to worry about me khrab. I am not part of your relationship. It’s your body anyway—and you probably did it because you love him—khrab?” he his hiccups are echoing inside the car, “Khrab~”

I continue hugging him while patting his back, “Can I—move on—Ai’?” I am too young to know about love but Ai’Toptap’s question is something that P’Gun will laugh at, “Of course Ai’—because I will help you—no—we will help you,” when I say we—meaning all of us around him.

‘Hang in there Ai’—you can do this~’

At the end, I wasn’t able to tell Ai’Toptap about the problem in my house but I assured him that he will be okay and we need to practice tomorrow. Now my problem is here in the house because when I arrived, P’Gun was already asking permission to our Mae and Pa but P’Hyuk wasn’t there—only P’Donghae, P’Heechul, P’Hangeng, and Nong Heemi.

“Na na na na Mae khrab—Pa khrab~” I shake my head seeing my brother like this. He is such a kid, “Okay na khrab—but don’t be late—okay?” Pa khrab said and I smile right away. “Woie! Thank you na Pa!” and P’Gun jump happily but suddenly, “Ahm—Gun Gege—is it okay if I go with you tomorrow na kah? I want to watch the band practice—and also to meet my new friend Rina Unni~”

P’Gun looks at me because I am not saying anything. I sigh, “Let her be,” I said before walking pass all of them. I am too tired today.

Are you still breathing? Because Toptap and Gunsmile are giving me soooo much feels…live negative feels TT_TT