Hyuk’s POV

I am a very simple person and all I want is what’s good for my family and for my lover. I don’t know what I did in the past to punish me this much that I am losing both of my family and my lover at the same time. I thought what I was doing all the time is to protect them but turns out my protection wasn’t enough to prevent things from happening.

Today, I saw my brother with this Nong and I also saw my shuttering trust for him all over the place. I didn’t say anything. I only stared at them because I am already tired. Tired from telling him what to do and maybe my friends are right—maybe I am really so pushy but if he doesn’t like me to protect him anymore—then we rather make it clear now. This path is the path he chose himself, “P’~” his voice echoes inside my bedroom. Hae, Heechul hyung, and Hangeng hyung are all outside because I told them not to get involve. This is between me, Captain, and his boyfriend White.

I sigh deeply, “Are you ready to talk?” my voice sounds so tired already because I am really tired. I am sick and tired of this, “P’Hyuk—I am sorry—” “Can we please let Ai’Cap talk first?” I cut this Nong, “I am not cutting you na khrab because I am very rude but because all I want right now is to hear my brother—to make me believe him somehow na khrab,” I explained not only to Nong White but also to Ai’Cap.

My brother looks so scared right now but I am not getting angry—he should be nervous but not scared because I am tired of being the antagonist in his life, “P’—why can’t P’Gun be here?” he asked me and I snicker because that sounds so ridiculous to me, “And what Ai’Cap? To let your P’ cover up for you again? Aren’t you tired of hiding behind someone’s back?” I stand up from my bed and both of them follows my movement while still sitting on the two chairs that Hangeng Hyung put in my room. “Ai’Cap—since you were young—you were always the one we protected—not because you are weak but because you are our youngest brother. You might see your P’Gun as a funny guy but he did a lot for you already and you don’t know how many times your P’Gun got in trouble for you.” I walk around the room trying to control all the emotions inside my chest.

“I don’t want you to keep on pushing your problem to your P’ because I want you to stand up on your own Ai’Cap. I am giving you the opportunity now to tell me everything because I am too tired of this—honestly I don’t want to listen anymore but I am doing this for the sake of your P’Hae, your P’Gun, and for Mae and Pa—so please—please Ai’Cap,” Me? Hyuk, is begging my brother because I want to understand.

I stop walking just to look at him and his face has so many underlying emotions and his boyfriend is just sitting beside him and holding his hands, “Will you really listen to me na khrab P’?” He stared straight into my eyes and I know—Ai’Cap can do well even without me, “Khrab,” then I sit down again on the edge of my bed ready to listen to him, “P’—I love White—like how you love P’Donghae or how P’Hangeng loves P’Heechul. It’s the same love that Mae and Pa feel for each other,” I close my eyes and so a single thread of tears fall down from my eyes, “I never felt this way before P’—and you do know that I haven’t really been in a relationship before,” I open my eyes as more emotions welcome me, “I tried P’—I tried to resist and not be with White because I know na khrab that you will get mad. I love you na khrab P’ that was why I tried so hard to push P’ away—but the more I push him away—the more I want him,” I am still glad that he is not crying because I don’t know what to do anymore if Ai’Cap will cry again.

I wipe the tears off my face, “You might think P’ that P’Gun tolerated my relationship but actually—P’ tried to stop me—he tried P’ because he also know that you will get mad and he keeps on reminding me like a good P’—but it’s me na khrab that wasn’t able to stop myself. When—White told me na khrab that he can stop this—what we have—my mind turned blank and all I know is that—I don’t want to lose him na khrab P’—” his pleading eyes and his pleading voice is something as an older brother can’t tolerate too, “P’—” he called me again and a single drop of tears fall from his eyes and I know he is hurting.

I sigh heavily as I still stared at my once loving brother, “Ai’Cap—I am being too harsh to you na khrab—I know. Your P’Hae might probably tell you a bit of what happened to me na khrab in Korea and honestly, I don’t want that to happen to you too. Do you know what hurts after finding out that someone betrays you?” I asked him and without speaking he shakes his head. Now I know how strong am I for not sobbing while speaking, “When you are willing to give another chance to the person that betrayed you and yet you will see that person not worthy of your trust anymore.” I didn’t take off my eyes from him because I want him to know too how much faith I have on him and how much he ruined it.

Fresh more tears fall from both of our eyes and no one wants to wipe it away anymore, “I am sorry—but I don’t think we can still be the same anymore na khrab Ai’Cap,” I finally said which makes Ai’Cap’s sobs louder. He is like a small child again. Before, if a single tear fall from either him or Ai’Gun’s eyes, I am willing to fight until death for them—but now—his tears—the reason of those tears is me, “P’—I don’t want to—” I exhale so loud, “Nong White—” I called out his boyfriend which sudden looks so alert, “How much do you love my brother na khrab?” I asked seriously.

He closes his eyes before saying, “As I said before P’—” then he opens them, “I waited for 2 years for Cap to master my courage—I also don’t think that love is measurable na P’—but I am willing to fight for Cap even if it’s you that I need to fight, na khrab~” at least he found someone who will love him, “I was his brother for 19 years—” they both jolt when I said ‘was’ because I am ending my rights to be his brother, “And I protected him for 19 years—and I am letting him go now,” the throbbing on my chest is too much because I know I am too tired to be his brother anymore.

I stand up but Ai’Cap also stand up quickly, “No—no—P’—no,” he begs me while grabbing my arm but this is too much, “My baby brother—” I know I am pouring out emotions that I thought I will not have, “I love you—the first time I saw you—in the hospital when Mae—gave birth to you—” my world is crashing right before my eyes, “P’Hyuk—can’t we talk about this?” Nong White asked me and his begging eyes mirrored Ai’Cap, “You’ve met—a really good guy—Ai’Cap,” I smile—the smile that I am not sure when will be the next time again.

I gulp loudly and touch Ai’Cap’s hand on my arm, “I am still your—P’Hyuk—I am still—your brother Ai’Cap—and I still love you na khrab—but in whatever—” I choke by my own tears, “Decisions you will—make—you don’t need—to ask me anymore—because Ai’Cap—I did my part as your brother—I thought I did it well—and maybe I became too much na khrab—that was why you disobeyed me—I did everything na khrab—” my sobs is getting louder and louder and no matter how unmanly I sound right now, I am still pouring my heart out in front of my brother that I once wanted to give everything, “but it wasn’t enough—it wasn’t good—it did harm to you—so please—don’t expect me—to come rushing to you again—just like when—we were young,” and I pull his hands off my arm and turn my back on them.

I bit my lips so hard I thought it will bleed, “Please P’—I will follow you P’—I will not disobey you again—I will be a good brother again—P’~” he beg so hard that I want to turn my back again on him but I stay strong. I shake my head, “Ai’Cap—I don’t want you to—follow me out of—responsibility—and I don’t want to—hurt you again,” my head hurts for crying too much already, “Nong White—please take care of him—na khrab,” I said before I walk towards the door and quickly open it only to see Hae standing their looking at me.

“Hyukkie~” he mumbled before opening both of his arms wide open and all I can do is to let myself feel the warm of the person who cares for me so much. “Shhh—this will pass on Hyukkie—I know it will,” he whispered in my ears while I sob harder on his embrace, “You did great trying to talk to them—give yourself time Hyukkie—this will pass on,” but I didn’t say anything and continue to hug him tighter and sob harder, “You are not weak for crying this much—you are crying because you are hurting—and you are hurting because you love him so much,” he rubs my back up and down making me feel like a kid but I can be like this for Hae—only for him.

“Hae—let’s go back to Korea—na khrab~”

I WANT TO CURSE IN TAGALOG BUT I CAN’T BUT MY GOODNESS!