White’s POV

“Captain—you cannot shut yourself to the world forever and you cannot do this to me. Do you think I wasn’t affected about this?” I asked the person in front of me that shill not talking since I arrived here in his house. “I want to show your P’ that I am good for you and that I can fight for you but I cannot be the only one fighting Cap. Are you—regretting being with me now?” and I know I am not ready to hear his answer.

Flashback

I might be lying if I say that everything is okay and I wasn’t a bit affected on what happened yesterday. We were caught twice and goddamn it I tried to maintain a good image to show his brother that I am unlike other men but it got ruined again and this time—it’s messier than the first time.

After P’Hyuk talked to us, I talked to Cap’s parents and formally introduced myself. Captain didn’t say anything, instead he sobbed harder on his Mae’s embrace. I do the talking because I don’t think my boyfriend will be ready to say anything.

In the end, his parents accepted me but they let me swore to never force Captain into something that he isn’t ready or isn’t happy about. I shouldn’t make him sad or cry because all they want is to make Cap happy—and also for their other sons too. But what hurts me? Cap didn’t talk to me after that. I messaged him—I desperately message him all night until 4am. Messaged him and called him but he didn’t answer or view even one of my messages. I lost track how many times I did that for him—40? 50?—or maybe more than a hundred because I want him to know that I am here for me—but he shuts me down.

So right now, I am standing in front of their front down and his Pa opened the door for me, “Loong khrab sawadee khrab~” of course I make sure to wai at my boyfriend’s father before even asking him, “Is Captain in the house na khrab?” Loong smiles at me, “He is Ai’White. Come in na khrab,” he opens the door wider for me to enter and I also saw Bpaa going out of the kitchen, “Oh, Ai’White,” she called me and I wai again, “Sawadee khrab Bpaa,” I said and still never forget my manner.

[long -- uncle]

[bpaa -- aunt]

“Sawadee kah, are you hear to see Ai’Cap?” Bpaa asked me and I smile first before nodding my head, “I see na kah, you can go upstairs na kah and wake Ai’Cap. His P’Gun was long gone out. Tell him to eat already na kah,” Bpaa said before going back in the kitchen again. I didn’t really walk because I am afraid that Loong khrab will say something but he just sit down on the couch and read his newspaper, “Ahm—I’ll go wake Cap na khrab Loong khrab,” I said awkwardly but still wait for the go signal, “Okay na khrab, tell him stop sleeping too much, he will have headache,” so there goes my go signal before walking, “khrab,” but I didn’t forget to answer.

I’ve been in Ai’Gun and Cap’s room long before we even started dating. I slowly climb upstairs because I want to formulate the words that I want to say to Captain. I want to pour out my gratefulness and also complain about our relationship.

Back to Reality

And so, that was the reason why I am here sitting at Captain’s bed while my boyfriend is curled into a ball while laying down on his bed. He isn’t talking to me for good 15 minutes since he woke up and I am starting to think negatively.

“Captain, look—I understand that you are upset about the situation but think about us too—” “Really? White!” he finally talked but only to look at me too with the anger written all over his face, “My P’ just told me that he didn’t want to be my brother anymore—he told me to do whatever I want in my life and here you are still thinking about our relationship? That is also the core reason na khrab why I have this problem with my P’!” He sits up on his bed and still looks at me like I am his most hated person.

I open my mouth feeling unbelievable with what I just heard, “So—you really are regretting. I asked you before Captain—I even told you na khrab that I can back off because I know how much you love your P’ na Cap but you said—you stopped me because you said you want to be with me na khrab,” is it wrong to get mad too because I thought we are on the same chapter but it turns out I am on chapter 20 while he is still stuck on chapter 1 of his life. What hurts me more, he still looks at me with the same burning anger in his eyes, “Because you pressured me White! You gave me no options na khrab! I thought everything will be okay that we can survive this problem with my P’Hyuk but can’t you see—didn’t you heard what my P’ said—he will not care for me because he is tired already. White—if only I listened to my P’ and be a good younger brother—none of this would have happened. P’Hyuk and I will still be close. We won’t have any problem. I would still have my older brother!”

I laugh—why? Because the person I love is blaming my love for me—yes—only my love because right now—I am not sure if he really feels the same way for me, “Are you listening to me White? Why are you laughing right now na khrab?” he demanded and the more I listen, the more my heart is breaking. I stopped so suddenly, “You are ridiculous na khrab, Cap.” Why am I seeing so many sides of our relationship now? Why am I only opening my eyes right now?

Suddenly, a quick emotion hit me and I know if I won’t say all of this now, I will regret it in the future, “ When you begged your brother na khrab yesterday—and said that you will follow him—I was so hurt that I blamed myself the whole night na khrab. I thought it was really my fault na Cap that you are having a hard time and bad relationship with your P’—but you know—I listened very well to you right now—” and goddamn it but why does it hurt so much? “And I know—it wasn’t me to blame—but it should be you—” and the tears that I’ve been trying to held back since yesterday, fell down from my eyes like a raindrop, “I—I can be with someone else or better—I shouldn’t be—with you na Cap. Because—I told you that I only followed—you na khrab for two years—and you don’t need to feel entitled by my feeling na Cap. I don’t want you to—feel obligated because—I fell in love with you! I did my best—to show you how much—I love you and even did my best—to make your P’ likes me! Do you think—you are the only one—sacrificing a lot? Or—being hurt so much? Captain, right now—between the—two of us—you are—hurting me more—than what I’ve felt—hurt by your brother’s words!”

I clench my fist and just stared at Captain but didn’t even wipe my tears because seeing the good and bad of the person you love is very vital between lovers—I am still hopping that Cap and I are still lovers after this though, “Chai—your P’ told you that he—won’t care for you na khrab—and that he will stop—being your brother na—khrab! But do you also want me to stop na Cap? Because your P’ is right—let’s stop now—at least we will not get hurt so much—if we take this longer—I might not—let you go anymore—so Captain! I am giving you the chance now—because if you will blame me na khrab—the whole time—then—let go of me to make me let go of you too,” did I mean it? Yes, I do.

I stared at him with my tears falling and my heart breaking but what breaks me more is to see him cry with me, “Why—” “Why—are you telling—me this na—khrab White? Why—are you asking—me like this?” he cries so hard that makes me panic so suddenly, “Because you said—” “What—should I do—na White!—my brother just—left me like—a puppy—and then—I love you—so much but you—want to let me—choose!” I don’t know why he suddenly cries so hard or why I suddenly grab him and pull him towards me to hug him and console him, “Because you said na khrab that you blame our relationship,” I explained to him while patting his back softly.

His hiccups are too much that I can feel him chest moving so much while I am hugging him, “Because—you are White—and you are—my boyfriend—and you are so—mature na khrab in our—relationship. P’Gun—didn’t say anything—last night na khrab—and I though he will—abandon me—like P’Hyuk—and my only—P’Hyuk na khrab decided to—abandon me and now—I don’t know what to do—na White—and you are the only one—I can run to—and you keep on talking—about our relationship—na khrab and –everything is too—much for me na White! I—don’t know what to do—anymore! It felt like—I will die soon na khrab but—you said to—choose—and suddenly I saw you in—my head—walking away from me!” he is pouring his hearts out and my tears once again fall because this is too much.

A while ago, all I want was to asked and set things straight but right now—this fragile person in my arms—my boyfriend, “Shhh—I am sorry Captain na khrab,” I mumbled close to his ears and I can feel my shoulder getting wet because of his tears, “I don’t—want to—break up White—I don’t want—I never think of—that na khrab!” he still sobs so hard and hiccups so hard. I am staring to feel guilty, “I will not—say those words again—White khrab. You are—so important to me—na khrab! I must have—lost my mind already—but—I don’t want to be—separated from you! I don’t—want to be—separated from you~” I pat his head this time when I heard his words.

I nod my head while still hugging him and while still letting myself be emotional, “Let’s try to—solve your problem—with your brother—okay? I will not ask you—again about breaking u—” “DON’T SAY—IT NA KHRAB—WHITE! I DON’T WANT!” but he burst out so suddenly but I didn’t pull out from the hug, instead, I continue to pat his head softly, “I will—I will not anymore,” I assured him, “But we need—na khrab—to think on how to—make your P’—and your—relationship—be better again, okay khrab?” I asked him and he nods again and again, “Okay—na khrab—White,” right now my boyfriend’s condition and even state of mind if very unstable. He needs me—more than I need him.

I continue patting his head and feeling his hiccups. I hope soon, I will see him smile again like when I was just looking from afar.

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