Toptap’s POV

It has been 30 minutes that I am waiting here outside my college building and the scorching hot weather isn’t a joke especially if you live in a tropical country like Thailand. Well, what am I doing outside? I am waiting for my childhood friend who promised me to be here at 3pm but it has been 30 minutes. I keep on tapping my feet on the ground while looking at my wrist watch again and again as if my friend will arrive anytime soon.

I feel a vibration in my pocket and thank Buddah for seeing my friend’s name on screen. I didn’t think twice and answer the call, “P’Tay na kharb! Where are you?” I am the demanding type of friend actually especially to P’Tay because first he is older than me. Second, he is my childhood friend as I mentions a while ago. And third, because he is like my first crush before—but that was way way back already.

I heard some heavy breathing on the other line, “Sorry na khrab na Ai’Toptap, I am near already~” and he sounds tired. Maybe Thailand summer isn’t working well on him too, “Why are you late na khrab anyway?” I asked him still not minding the people coming in and out of my college building. “Ahm—I am—okay na khrab—I lost track in time na Ai’—but let me explain first na khrab—” he really knows me well, I was so close in cutting him, “I took a quick nap after lunch because it was still early na khrab but I forgot to set my alarm so when I woke up—I was running late already—but don’t worry na Ai’Toptap—I will treat you na khrab~” very him.

I can’t help but shake my head and laugh at his craziness, “Hurry up then P’—I don’t have all the time in the world,” I finally let him off the hook and on the other line, I heard a handful of laughter, “Woie! Thank you na khrab! Promise—I will be there soon~” and the line got cut off without the two of us saying goodbye to each other because we don’t say goodbye. I shake my head and laugh at myself while putting my phone back to my back pocket, “Crazy P’,” I mumbled at myself.

People will say that I easily moved on to my recent break up but I am not. I actually haven’t fully moved on but the thing is—I am learning to love myself more now because that was what I forgot before. I love and gave everything to Ai’Gunsmile that I forgot to love back myself too. So I followed Ai’Cap’s advice to go out and meet up my friends. I will also go on a vacation next week while Ai’Cap and the rest of the band will go to Korea. I promised them that I will follow after a week because right now, what I need—is some fresh air to breathe.

I waited more while looking at the shoes when I heard some familiar voices, “I told you na Ai’ that we need that report na khrab! Where did you left it again?” but I didn’t dare to raise my head. “I think, around the area of the library na khrab—I don’t know!” I sigh because I know this will happen sooner or later but I wasn’t sure before if I can look at them.

I mastered up my courage before raising my head and flashing my one I a million smile, “We have to—” and I saw how Ai’Sing’s eyes grew larger and larger as soon as he spotted me a few meters away from them, “Why?” and Ai’Gunsmile asked him when he stopped so suddenly in the middle of his sentence and in the middle of the sidewalk, “Ahm—Ai’—maybe it’s not here na khrab—let’s go to the other building na khrab~” I heard Ai’Sing and I know why he desperately wants to lead my ex-boyfriend to the other path—because he doesn’t want us to cross path.

I open my mouth ready to say something or to even greet them even though I wasn’t sure what to say or what to do once I have their attentions, “You are acting weird na Ai’Sing! You told me we need to finish our papers na khrab before vacation na khrab!” Since Ai’Gunsmile is giving all his attention to Ai’Sing he wasn’t able to see me. Just like before—he never really sees me—not until I disappeared from his so called world. Recalling those things and feeling so pathetic now because of my unending love for him before, I feel bad for myself. Why did I do that? Why did I give everything to him and didn’t leave anything for myself? Why didn’t I love myself more? and why do I still love him with all the realizations I have right now?

I sigh with contented smile on my lips and I even raise my hand when suddenly a loud yell and a sudden bear hug startled me, “AI’TOPTAP NA KHRAB!! P’TAY IS HERE!!!” I huff at the sudden pressure because of the hug and laugh loudly while hitting his back, “Serious P’Tay! Seriously! Are you trying to kill me na khrab? You are crazy na khrab!” I keep on complaining, laughing, and hitting him all at the same time. Very typical of him, “555555 you will just keep on complaining na khrab—and hit me harder~” and his answer doesn’t make sense. All I can do is to stop hitting him and pat his back, “You made me wait na khrab for—” then I look at my wrist watch, “40 minutes na khrab P’Tay—you need to—” “I know na khrab~” then he let go of me and his bright smile never change.

One of the reason why P’Tay became my first crush before was because he has the brightest smile in my school. He levels his face on me because he is a bit taller than I am before using his hand to wipe my forehead, “Awww sorry na khrab Ai’—it’s so hot na khrab here—you should have waited for me inside your department na khrab—look at you~” and he is the sweetest of them all. I smile at his small actions but suddenly when I look behind him where I saw Ai’Gunsmile and Ai’Sing a while ago—both of them are gone. He doesn’t really care for me anymore and he can live without me when I feel a sudden rush of emotion when I saw and heard him just now.

I shook my head before pushing P’Tay away because him being near makes it hotter because he is blocking the wind, “Come on na khrab P’—let’s find your lover na khrab~” I before he put his arm around my shoulder. I don’t know when but when P’Tay told me that he has a lover and the lover is studying here in my university, I can’t help but invite him here just to see his lover. It’s not every day I can tease P’.

Gunsmile’s POV

He moved on. All I know is that he moved on already while I am still here—stuck in the past with his shadow still hunting me. What hurts me more is those smile—it wasn’t mine anymore.

I saw him today, probably the most heartbreaking type of reunion for me. When Ai’Sing insisted to change location so suddenly, I have this feeling that he might be there. Ai’Sing knows that I am still not ready to face him but our faith really played us so well today. I saw him—being hugged by another man, “Maybe they are just friends na P’Gunsmile,” my cousin Ai’Min said while hanging out at my bedroom.

I didn’t stay in the university long after what I witnessed and Ai’Min and P’Na quickly arrived in my house as soon as I messaged them that I saw Toptap. “But he hugged him so tight na khrab and Toptap was smiling brightly na khrab,” I responded feeling more lifeless as I remember the hug they shared. I should be the one hugging him like that and not other person, “Of all people na Ai’Gunsmile, I never imagined that you have this—possessiveness in you,” I shoot P’Na a glare becase—me? possessive? he must be mistaken.

I laugh dryly, “I am not possessive na P’,” I answered back because I know myself. I know I am not like that, “Then—you are okay na khrab with Ai’Toptap starting a relationship with that guy na khrab? or you are okay if he moved on already—because you said you –” “That is out of the line P’Na! Starting a relationship na khrab? Are you kidding me? Toptap told me how much he loves me na khrab—it’s just that—just—” why can’t I find the right next word to say? Why is it too hard for me? “P’, he broke up with you na khrab—like the legit break up so I think—if ever he wants to have another relationship na P’—it’s okay,” Ai’Min said and I know—deep in my heart—he is right.

I sigh and bury my face on my pillow, “I feel hurt—and betrayed na khrab. I don’t want to accept until now that it’s over—but you guys—and Ai’Sing—and even Toptap are all reminding me that—it’s over—we are over na khrab,” and it hurts every time I close my eyes and imagine him being happy. His smile that used to brighten my days—hurts me so much now.

They say that you need to face your fears—but how can I face it if my fear of losing him happened already?

Because we all need time to heal Gunsmile. You don’t need to pretend that you are okay when you are not and just like Toptap, you need to make yourself whole—love yourself more before demanding love from someone else. TT_TT