Mark’s POV

Never in my wildest imagination have I think of getting mad at Ai’Gun—not until I saw him watching that video.

I’ve been so patient to him. Showering him with all the love I have and pretending not to mind what other people think of him or what they say about him. I am a very possessive person and even Best is aware on how possessive I can be way back when we were together but I’ve learned to share Ai’Gun to many people. With his family, his friendship with Ai’Plan, with his band member, and even with their fans. Why? Because I love him so much.

This isn’t even me anymore because I always get what I want and also do what I want—but Ai’Gun—changed me.

I love him so much that I thought my head will explode the moment I saw him watching that video yesterday. How can they send it to him? Worst part, Ai’Gun watched it without knowing what it is! He is already a grown up guy and not a 13 year-old kid—how can he say that he didn’t know what he was watching? Another thing, if he is that innocent—there the more reason to get mad. I don’t want to taint him like that.

Ai’Gun is too special to me. I made myself clear yesterday, if he will tell me to leave again—then I will—for good. No monkey business anymore, no more making him jealous, no more. I will raise my white flag and accept defeat when the time comes.

This morning, when he sits next to Ai’Cap—he was so quiet. He wasn’t talking to anyone and he wasn’t touching his food. I was so close of running towards him and feed him—but I am too mad. Not towards him but to myself. I shouldn’t feel more for him—I shouldn’t make this hard for me anymore—but I can’t help it. I am into deep, “P’—are you okay?” I forgot that I am with Ai’White today.

We are all watching random movie in Nong Heemi’s house and they all dragged me here. Ai’White doesn’t take no for an answer, “I am,” I said but totally not interested in the movie. I lean my back to the corner of the room while Ai’White watches me, “You are not P’,” he concluded. I don’t have energy to argue with him.

The people inside the room are all watching carefully while Ai’White and I are talking silently—or maybe they are pretending not to care anymore. I scared Ai’Cooheart and Ai’Fluke yesterday and Ai’Title and Ai’Ohm are totally pissed off to me for making their lovers shiver and nervous. Nong Heemi is fidgeting for some reason and P’Wang Qing is just chilling beside Nong. Ai’Plan and Ai’Mean are all over each other. I hope they realized that we are all in the same room.

“I messaged Cap just now! I was worried not only to Cap but to Ai’Gun too. They are so close to each other so there’s no way Cap will not realize that his brother is going thru something. Did you even see Ai’Gun’s eyes this morning? He wasn’t in his right state of mind,” he doesn’t need to remind me. I know the damage very well, “He will recover—he always does.” I said with hint of bitterness. I know that Ai’Gun can recover with or without me.

Ai’White didn’t say anything so I decided to look at the big screen in front of me and just make myself preoccupied, “Cap and I—” he whispered, “We make love last night!” I seriously look quickly to Ai’White. I am not sure what kind of expression I have but definitely not good expression, “! Do you know what P’Hyuk and Ai’Gun will react on this? They will kill you for touching Ai’Cap! No wonder he was limping this morning!” I said under my breath. I don’t know but spending time with Ai’Gun makes me realized how much he loves Ai’Cap and he can kill even Ai’White if Ai’ will harm his brother.

“Why? We are in a relationship na khrab. They know this will happen sooner or later~” Ai’White said confidently but I have so many options running in my head, “You’re crazy! Ai’Gun will—” “You keep on opening up about Ai’Gun—see—you care so much for him. Admit it P’—you want him so much na khrab and you aren’t sure how to leave him alone. I even convinced Cap to be on your side na khrab and let you and Ai’Gun be together—but you are being a bastard—showing Ai’Gun that he is precious—you don’t deserve him P’ if you will just hurt him like that! I am saying this—not because I like Ai’Gun but as his friend and as his brother’s boyfriend. Don’t be a jerk P’—he doesn’t deserve it!” and Ai’White crawl near Nong Heemi and focus on the screen. I sigh deeply; I don’t know what to do anymore.

I stand up and decided to leave the room. The door isn’t far from me for I sneak out and close the door quietly again while moving to the first floor again going to the living room. Nong’s house doesn’t have par like in Thailand—well they have but not home stay. The pars are here are only for some time in the morning and around 1pm they all leave the house.

No one will bother me here in the living room. I slouch on the sofa and close my eyes to think more. Last night was the worst—especially with all the ideas running thru my head. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Ai’Gun’s face—how hurt he was when I told him that I don’t want to see him anymore. The guilt inside my chest is too much.

Right now, instead of seeing his sad face, I suddenly see his face the first time I saw him on stage. He was gliding thru the stage and swaying his body like he owns the world. His eyes are wide open and his hands are moving gracefully to his bass. His mouth is parting open, singing the lyrics of their song. He is—breathtaking. The he looks at the crowd and someone—my world stops the moment he laid his eyes on me. For that brief 3 seconds, I thought I was alone in the room—on the crowd and that guy singing is just singing his heart out for me. That’s how I know that I want him.

Then I saw him again—this time, it was during the soccer game between College of Music and IC students. I followed Ai’Mean’s eyes that keep on glancing at his boyfriend but all I can see is him and his beautiful smile. How he hits Ai’Plan playfully and how he shouts his college name but still—I felt like my world will soon turn upside down because of him. His eyes that sparkles and the heavy beating of my heart every time he stands up and cheer. I even let their college score a goal just to see him cheering loudly and happily but still make sure to win just to claim him. MINE!

I remember his burning cheeks when I announced the whole university that I like him and I will court him. I remember how he hides his face using his bag and hand and grab Ai’Plan and they both run out of the bleachers. I was ready to follow them but I saw Ai’Mean shaking his head and also saw Ai’Cap glaring at me. But regardless of those people who wanted me out of Ai’Gun’s life—I still want him.

Then his face shows up again, his guilty face when he talked to be at the gazebo outside their house. How he glares at me couple of times and how frustrated he was. When he dropped the news that ‘Hey! I am straight!’ I thought I will not be able to recover—but that’s how much I love him. I backed off—totally ignoring him for few days because as much as I love him to be with me—he made it clear that he doesn’t want me in his life. The pain in my chest was nothing to what I feel right now. I am falling too deep and I still don’t know what to do. Am I ready? Can I really do it? Is it what I really want? But that is what Ai’Gun wants—and I will not hold him back.

“Hey!” I open my eyes when I feel a cold thing pressed on my cheeks. What I saw is a can of bear and standing in front of me is P’Wang Qing, Nong Heemi’s cousin. I grab the can from him and he sits beside me, “Sorry for cutting you off from your good dream,” he said totally cutting off the heavy Chinese accent. I breathe heavily before saying, “No P’—it’s okay—and it wasn’t a good dream—it’s hunting me,” I said honestly.

Both of us have one can of beer and he is already sipping his so I open mine, “I’ve heard what happened yesterday,” I snicker because this P’ is so straight to the point, “Yeah?” I asked him while sipping my beer, “You know—I am not that close to Gun or to any of you but Mei Mei, likes you all so much,” I almost laugh because he patronized his cousin so much. I look straight ahead and not towards P’, “P’—I’ve heard that you have a lover,” I said to him. He shrug his shoulder, “Do I? I hope we are still together though after what happened,” it looks like I am not the only broken soul here.

“Can you give me good reason P’ why do I need to leave Ai’Gun?” I asked him this time because I need to convince myself, “Humm—before asking me why—did you ask yourself for a reason?” he gave back the question to me. I shake my head and sip another mouthful of beer, “My relationship is far more different from you Mark. I’ve made a promise with this person—10 years. Can you wait that long?” he asked me again. I put down the beer on my lap but still holding on it, “If it’s Ai’Gun—I think I can. But Ai’White told me that Ai’Gun doesn’t deserve a bastard like me,” I laugh dryly remembering Ai’White’s words.

P’ just stay still beside me, “Do you really think he doesn’t deserve you?” I nod right away, “I confessed to him in front of many people—forced him to have lunch with me for a month—gate crash his brother’s birthday party—manipulate him by making him jealous—they raised my voice to him yesterday—do you think I deserve him?” because I don’t think so.

Again I sip the beer, “I fall in love with my best friend—caged him into our so called relationship—made that person broke up with the current relationship—made a 10 year promise to be together—lied to Mei Mei about our relationship—and now my lover wanted me out because I became so possessive—do you also think I deserve my lover?” we both laugh. We are almost similar to each other, “You are worse than me P’!” I accused him and finally emptying the can of beer. I put it down on the floor.

“Maybe—but—I love that person—I can do anything—even the impossible—I am willing to be disowned by my family if they want us to be apart—heck I love Mei Mei so much but I think I love that person more. Do you still think I don’t deserve him?” this time, I look at P’. His eyes are full of motivation and love, how did I miss that kind of look? “P’—I think—you should try talking to your lover,” I told him. It looks like he needs more counseling that I do. He chuckled, “Probably—but not too soon. But you—” P’ looks at me, “You need to talk to Gun. Living in his house for more than a week, I realized one thing. Gun is dumb—” “P’!” I raised my voice making P’ smirked, “See—you love him that much!” I shake my head he is childish just like his cousin.

“But—it’s true. Gun is dumb—if you don’t explain it to him, he will not get it. He loves his family so much—heck he is willing to hurt anyone that will hurt his love ones. Have you seen his face whenever we are talking about his family or his friends? His eyes are sparkling. So Mark—don’t make him so dumb—you deserve him if you know his worth. Stop treating him like a child and let him grow. Explain to him if you need to—because what you feel towards him—he will not get it not unless you slap it on his face,” did I—really treat him like that?

I am stunned, “It’s too late P’,” I bit my inner cheeks. I am such a coward, “Nothing is too late Mark—and no battle is a losing battle. You don’t need to surrender without fighting.” P’ pats my shoulder and I think he makes me feel better. I chuckled realized that this P’ that I haven’t exchanged a single conversation before is giving me good advices and making me feel better.

We still talk for a while, mostly about his lover and about Ai’Gun. We really didn’t notice it and we have bunch of empty cans of beer on the floor by the time the front door opens up. I think I am a bit tipsy already with all of the beer I’ve drunk so far. “Oh—P’Wang—” I don’t know why the greeting stopped mid-sentence but P’ and I just smile.

I am still coherent so I am fine—but I almost lose my head when I saw Ai’Gun right in front of me and quickly, he cupped my cheeks and look at me, “P’—are you okay?” He asked with voice full of concern but the zoom in version of Ai’Gun is much more stunning than the zoom out version. I want to touch his face but he looks down, “Beer na khrab? P’ did you drink?” he asked again with the same concern voice.

I groaned when he let go of my cheeks but glared at P’Wang Qing who quickly raised both of his hands, “No—I didn’t do anything,” he said but Ai’Gun is still glaring at him, “Did you force him P’? Or maybe you make him this drank na khrab! You are the worst P’! I’ve heard from P’August before that P’Mark doesn’t like drinking na khrab! Why did you make him drank? Are you planning something na P’?” I chuckled hearing the noises that Ai’Gun is making again. It feels like we are back to how we used to be.

P’Wang Qing makes his eyes bigger signaling me to help him, “I want to drink Ai’—don’t blame P’,” I said defending my new found friend. Ai’Gun turned to me again and he still looks concern, “Really P’? But—P’—are you okay na khrab?” I nod my head saying yes to all of his questions. He soon looks serious—I gulp, “P’—can we talk?” he asked me. I open my mouth—ready to answer but—

“DAYU GEGE!!!!!!!!” Nong Heemi happened.

Will it be QingYu or MarkGun on the next chapter? Hum hahahahhaha