Toptap’s POV

I’m okay—now.

Flashback

I am more than grateful to Ai’Cooheart for letting me tag in back here in Chiang Mai. All I want was to go somewhere but I wasn’t sure where. Ai’Cap looks like he got himself into trouble again so I don’t want to be another trouble for him. I don’t know where to go so when I told P’Title about my dilemma he suggested of me tagging along, I didn’t expect that asking Ai’Cooheart will be easy.

I want to get away—from him because I am still not sure if I can really face him with smile on my face. I just can’t trust myself right now. When P’Plan asked me about him, I wasn’t sure what to say because I haven’t really tell them about our break up. “Title needs to go back home na khrab P’, so we will continue hanging out.” I smile because Ai’Cooheart didn’t even ask me if it’s okay that we will hang out together. He has this personality that can make you a bit intimidated—but only a bit.

“Ahh Ai’—thank you for letting me slept at your house na khrab yesterday,” I said while we continue walking Doi Suthep. I’ve been dying to go here and I even ask—you know to go here with me. Never in my wildest dream have I imagined going here with Ai’Cooheart on my process of moving on with my first major heartbreak. Ai’Cooheart instantly roll his eyes on me, “And what? Let you sleep at Title’s room? I am not crazy na khrab P’Toptap, I am the only one who can sleep beside my husband na khrab,” I want to laugh at Ai’s reply, “But I am not—” “Even clothes off and on P’Toptap—no one can sleep beside my boyfriend na khrab!” all I can do is nod because it looks like I won’t be able to say something to him.

We continue walking together while some people keep on going in and out of the majestic temple. There are so many shops here too and I want to try drinking the traditional Thai tea here, “Anyway P’, it’s been a while but I think na khrab—I haven’t seen your boyfriend na khrab—what’s his name? P’Lansmile? P’Kansmile?” I don’t want to say his name but, “Ai’Gunsmile,” I don’t think Ai’Cooheart will be able to remember his name sooner. He nods quickly, “Chai—P’Gunsmile!” and we take a quick turn to one of the temples alleyway, “Well—actually Ai’—” I sigh before putting my bravest face, “We broke up during Songkran—na khrab,” and that makes Ai’ stopped walking.

I also stopped and we are actually in a hidden corner of the street because Ai’ told me that he knows a shortcut before P’Title called him to say that he needed to go, “P’,” he called me out and then he turned around to look at me. For the first time, Ai’Cooheart has the most worried facial expression I’ve seen from him. He normally has the sweetest smile like he won’t do anything bad and then after a while he will have that victory smile—but now—his eyes looks so sad and his face looks so worried, “Why?” he asked me and this time, I am the one smiling at him—faking my smile on him.

I gesture my hand to Ai’ so that we can sit in the corner edge of the temple. I look at him and he looks at me, “Ai’Cooheart, how sure are you na khrab about P’Title?” I asked him and he answered right away without asking me why, “There are so many uncertainties in the world P’ but Title is the only thing I am proud to say that I am sure of,” I was like that too—before, “I was so sure too na khrab Ai’—I thought everything is about him and his whole life is also about me na Ai’. I thought—but I was wrong,” I don’t want to be emotional—especially not in front of Ai’Cooheart.          

I bit my lower lips before speaking again because I get it—Ai’Cooheart will listen to me and just speak if I will ask him to speak, “We dated Ai’ for 2 years before I realized that he didn’t really love me na khrab. The idea of being with me and being in love na khrab fascinated Ai’Gunsmile so much that he stayed with me. It was too late when I figured it out because I am falling too deep to him—too deep that I am not sure how can I go back to the surface again,” I love how he stay quiet and didn’t try to interrupt me. I didn’t break the eye contact because this is the first time I am telling this to someone aside from Ai’Captain, “When I realized how ing messed up am I na khrab, I decided to let go of him na Ai’. It hurts—” and here I thought I was okay already but my heart is breaking again for the second time, “I tried to ignore him na Ai’ and try to stay out of his radar—or just try everything that I can but it was too hard. I keep on seeing myself at the entrance of his college na khrab and keep on doing things we love doing,” but I don’t want to cry—not anymore—not for Ai’Gunsmile.

Ai’Cooheart put his hands on my clapped hands, “When I eat—I always imagine him na khrab sitting in front of me and feeding me. When I go out I always think about him na khrab and the fun times we shared before and it kills me na Ai’—every time I see his figure in my mind—and every time I remember his smile when I saw him again. I am so broken right now—like this na khrab while Ai’Gunsmile can still smile na khrab like he used to do,” now I realized how strong am I after our breakout. Before, talking about him—even thinking about him makes me cry but now—I am not crying. Maybe I got too tired already crying over him again and again.

Then I smile—because I realized how important it is to smile right now. I’ve been too weak that I despise myself so much, “Do you know what I hate the most na khrab right now Ai’Cooheart?” finally I asked him but Ai’ has the saddest smile on his face, “That no matter what I do—no matter how I want to get mad at Ai’Gunsmile na khrab—I still—ing still—love that idiot—na khrab.” Never have I imagined myself confessing all of this to Ai’Cooheart or even telling him about my feelings for Ai’Gunsmile. I don’t want to be a burden to Ai’Captain so I stopped myself from asking help from him.

Ai’Cooheart finally sigh and in the process he squeezed my hands, “P’—I am no good at relationship na khrab. I’ve hurt Title many times because I am so selfish na khrab and he never let me say sorry. I did a lot of things that can make us break up right now P’ but the love we both have for each other is our strongest foundation in this relationship—” somehow, when he showed his usual smile, I feel better.

“P’Toptap, go find yourself first na khrab. Go love yourself first and never look back. When you started walking—you cannot stop in the middle P’ and wait for P’Gunsmile because you will be only stuck in the past without trying to move forward. Once you find yourself, once you are whole again, then ask yourself again if you would still want him back—because if you do na khrab then go pursue him without having any regrets but if you don’t want him back anymore—then congratulations na P’ because you were able to overcome your biggest heartbreak,” my chest keeps on rising up and down quickly because Ai’Cooheart is giving me an advice that I never imagine would come out from his mouth.

This is the Ai’Cooheart that P’Title probably see and love and I am glad I am witnessing it now, “At first P’, I am obligated na khrab to like all of you from Title’s band. It felt like I don’t have any choice but to like you guys because of Title. As time goes by, I realized that maybe you guys aren’t bad na khrab and maybe you guys aren’t as bad as I imagined. I started to care na khrab for everyone. I know that P’Captain always forget his towel na khrab during practice so I make sure to bring extra if I can visit the rehearsal room na khrab. I know that P’Plan likes eating sweets na khrab so I also tried buying some sweets whenever I can. P’Gun always forget his water na khrab so I also prepared some for him and I know that P’Toptap likes to stay in the corner during breaks so as much as possible na P’—I want you to have your space there and keep on telling Title not to interrupt you—” I don’t know but I feel so touched hearing that from Ai’Cooheart.

“Ai’—” he smiles widely, the real smile, “I know na khrab—you all think that I am a diva na khrab and I only care about myself and Title which I do—I really do but in order to care for Title, I also need to take care of the people he loves and those people are you guys. So P’—I am here—listening to your problem na khrab and telling that you need to man up na khrab—chin up—and walk with confidence because you P’—isn’t going to break na khrab by one P’Gunsmile na khrab. The P’Toptap Jirakit Kuariyakul I know is a fighter na khrab and not a quitter. And remember P’—I am here for you na khrab to support you!” and that time I know that Ai’Captain is right. They will help me—not only him but also Ai’Cooheart here.

Back to Reality

I am okay—more than okay because I am not looking at the past anymore. I am not running away anymore—instead I am facing my problem and my pain with full confidence.

AWWWWWWWWWWW COOHEART~