Crying doesn’t mean that you are weak
Crying means that you are strong enough to admit
That you are in pain
~Seohyun~

Choi Minki sent Jessica’s home after she was wandering to the Seoul, and bought a new set of headset, mp4 and some instrumental music from Yiruma and some of the famous pianist and violinst around the world.

Not even once Minki had seen her with her friends, Miss Jessica always went out by herself. Eating alone at restaurant and even went to Karaoke place by herself.

She was looked she enjoyed it so much, not bother by the people around her.

But for the first time, Minki wanted seeing her with one of her friend. She was so lonely like she had no body to share, to laugh together.

“Miss, do you need something again?” Minki made sure of her as usual before he went home.

Jessica lived by herself in this big apartement, the housekeeper would came at morning and went home at afternoon. Leaving food for her, or if Jessica didn’t want to eat anything the house keeper wouldn’t cook.

“No!.” Jessica entered the apartement alone, and close the door.

She put all the things she bought to the sofa, and walking to the balcony, to get some fresh air.

That was the only things that Jessica like from this apatement, the balcony.

She could enjoy the fresh air, from here and seeing a the seoul light. Sometimes she was composing a song here. This place never failed to give her inspiration.

“Sooyeon-ah..” Jessica wanted to curse that suddenly someone call her in her favourite place.

She never wanted to share this place with anyone.

Jessica wanted to scold the person when suddenly she realized that the voice is from the neighbour balcony.

She saw mid-aged ahjumma who sat together with her daughter, who might be 15 years old.The old woman rubbed the daughter hair softly.
“Are you afraid?” the old woman asked the daughter. Her daughter nodded, “No need to afraid Sooyeon-ah, you have practice the song and dance everyday.”

The girl pouted, “But what if they don’t like it.” She said and then whine, “What if I failed Eomma? I will make Eomma and Appa disappointed.”

The mother laughed, “Who said Eomma and appa will be disappointed by you? You sing well. If they make you fail that mean their eyes blind because not seeing my beautiful daughter..” her mom assured her. “You are my best daughter!”

“Really? I will be Eomma and Appa best daughter even I failed? Don’t say you don’t love me if I failed, okay?”

Jessica wanted to chuckled a little that girl was really insecure and need her mom to assured her. If you had practice so much, why you afraid of being failed!

If you failed, although you have work hard. It was mean that you wanted that you can’t get. What a fool.

Her sacrcasm though was cut by the mother words, “Eish! Pabo! No matter you fail or not! Eomma and Appa will always love you, Sooyeon-ah!” she said to the daughter.

That words suddenlt make Jessica heart clenched.

She said that she would always love her even she failed. Love? When was the last time a people said Love to Jessica?

Ah Jessica knew from she was 5, no one love her. Her maid did give her so called ‘Love’ because they were paid by the family. Her mom ‘love’ her because she was the money maker for her.

Even her violin teacher ‘love’ her because she was the music prodigy. No one will love her for the sarcastic, cold and rude Jessica. She knew that.

“Appa!!” a sudden shierked of the girl snapped Jessica from her memory.

She looked at the old man that bring a cake in one his hand. “Happy birthday to you...” the man said in his deep voice.

His voice was so usual, no special, sometimes he was out of tone but somehow it make Jessica heart clenched more.

“Saranghanun uri Sooyeon....”

(our lovely Sooyeon)
The girl and the woman laughed because the man weared the birthday hat.

But for Jessica that was the first time she heard her name in the birthday song from an appa voice not from the maid voice. The voice that sincere.

Although it was for another Sooyeon and from another appa.

“Appa why are you here? Appa in jeju island right?” the girl shouted in happy voice, seeing her appa, before pouting. “But my birthday is tommorow though..”

“Wah! Appa know that! Sooyeon-ah. But tommorow appa must came back to Jeju and because of meeting. And you have audition right? So let’s we celebrate your birthday together with Appa..”

How ironic! The girl not only shared the same name with her but the same birthday also.

“appa!” the girl said in happiness. “appa is busy, I’m okay if we celebrate the birthday next month!” she said, “Appa doesn’t need to flight back to Seoul. Appa will be tired.” The girl said but still with wide smile.

“How could appa miss to bring you cake?” her father asked her. “Appa is busy, but my Sooyeon is more important, right eomma?” he asked to his wife that still smiled widely. “Now where is appa’s hug?”

The girl ran and hugged his father.

Jessica felt something wet in her cheek. She touched her cheeks when she found it to be tears.

Why?

“You are fifteen right now!” the father said, “but you will always be my five years old girl..” his father continue.

And at that time, Jessica didn’t know but the tears kept flowing.

The words like Eomma and appa never out from kindly, sincerely.

She knew from she was small she didn’t have appa, she didn’t know her father. Her father was a jerk. She never wanted father but why?

Why is she crying?

Why did she feel like the five years old Jessica Jung that know that her dad will never come to her school parent’s meeting even to her entire life?

Flash back
London, 13 years ago..

The five year old Jessica was coming home from the kindergarten, she knew she wouldn’t meet her mom again. Her mom was always busy, but this was urgently.

She needed to meet her mother because her teacher said next week they had to bring their father to talk about their job. Even she never spoke more than five words with her mom. She must say that.

Jessica sneaked peek to her mother room, she could smell the liquor smell. Her mom liked to drink that although Jessica hated it smell.

Her mom sat in her bed with one hand hold the glass. “Who is it?” she said in her clear voice. It meaned her mom hadn’t drunk yet.

“Jessica!” Jessica answered. Her mom never let her call her Eomma. So Jessica always just answered what she said.

She said she was too young to became mom.

“Oh, what are you doing here?” she said and tried to walk, but she wasn’t balance so she was a little bit stumbe.

Guess her mom already drunk. “My teacher said next week I must bring my father to the school venue.” Jessica said to the point. “Can he come?”

Rather than give her an answer her mom laughed, “Oh... our poor Jessica.” She said before she had to stop because of her hiccup. “Your father is a jerk! A bastard! He was a riich guy in Korea, but you aren’t his legitimate daughter.” She said.

Her mom pointed little Jessica, “You are his dirty little secret! He didn’t want you that’s why we live in London! He hate you!” her mom said.
That time all of the things that she imagined had destroyed. Jessica think that her father was so busy so he couldn’t meet her.

“You lie!” the little Jessica said. “I get the birthday present from him!” she said.

She never speak more than five words with her mom, but this was the first time, and she didn’t know why her mom was a bad person like this.

Her mom sighed exragerattely, “Oh my! You still think that from your father! The poor maid was buying that for you, because they pity you!! You should stop believing the lie, Jessica!!”

Jessica shook her head, her mom was lying.

“He hates you!” her mom said again, “as soon as I pregnant he sent me to London, and then why he wanted to remember your stupid birthday? Even I didn’t remember when it is!” her mom said.

Every words from her mom mouth was like the slapping to her face. “No..no!”

She ran from her mom room, but she still could hear her mom yell to her, “Be careful!” Jessica tried to ignored it but she still hear the other words.

“You are worthy just when you are alive!!”

Since that time Jessica promised to her self, she wouldn’t share her birthday with anyone, they were just lying to her. She would give her self the best birthday by her self. She didn’t need her father, mother and maid to celebrate it together with her.

She could celebrate it by herself.

Jessica almost chuckled when she get in to her room after pass midnight. She had to stop herself from crying the worthless things like that.
She looked at the clock that hanging on the wall, it was pass midnight.

Today was her birthday, she walked slowly to her home theater set and insert a disc. The Cheerfull happy birthday song was echoed to the her house.

She smiled. “Happy 18 birthday Jessica-jung!” she said to her self.
(in Korean age 19)

Because she was in Korea, she had to cook the seaweed soup. When she was in London she would bought cake by herself, but this year because of she was at Korea she would have the seaweed soup, the cake would follow tommorow.

She walked to her kitchen, and bite her lips. Where was the soup pot?

Where was she put the ramyeoun soup?

Jessica found the pot and the ramyeon, and now she was searching for the bowl. She tried to reach the highest cabinet drawer.

“ah!” she tried to take the bowl but she wasn’t high enough to reach it...

She tried to took it again, and the bowl fell down to the floor give the loud broke sound. The bowl broke in to pieces.

That time Jessica realized something, no matter how old is she later, she would always alone...no one would sing for her happy birthday not because money but really wish for her birthday.

No one will wish for the real Jessica. No one gonna celebrate the birthday for her...

Jessica already knew that but..how she wish someone sing for her happy birthday not a disc. Just like that little girl, Jessica walked slowly to her room, and seeing the empty bed.

She knew from the hard way, that she shouldn’t want something that she can’t get! She knew that!

She knew from five that she couldn’t have someone to wish her happy birthday sincerely, then why she had to feel this pain?

The feeling like she was five years old? When she ran from her mother room and crying? Why?

She was so stupid!! So stupid!!

She knew why she was hurting yet she couldn’t stop herself..

She knew she shouldn’t wished for something that she couldn’t have..

Affection, love or even friend...

But she still felt her heart ripped apart, and her tears kept flowing.

She threw herself to her bed, and let out the big cry just like when she was five years old...

Although she used the pillow to make it soundless, but still she was crying so hard..

Yet she could still hear the happy birthday song played cheerfully.....

I'm sorry this was a sad chapter i just wanted to share Jessica past and her loneliness..

how you think?

next chapter more cheerfull and tensed...

I will update soon if not tommorow or day after tommorow because I want to write the other fanfict also...

during this holiday I will update regulary...

thank for suppot and comment also the upvote...love it really

Did you cry for Jessica also? ^^