It was late at night when Joshua received an unexpected phone call. Staring at the bright numbers on screen, he didn't recognize it. Picking it up for the heck of it, he regrets it immediately. 

"Hello?" His groggy voice filled the silence. The person on the other side didn't respond. "If this is telemarketing, I'm not buying..."

"Wait!" Joshua stopped. His waking brain quickly picked up on the voice. "...Why are you calling me." It was Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan. Jeonghan didn't say anything and it was beginning to get on his sleep deprived nerves. Sighing heavily, he shifted his phone to his other ear. "Look if your calling just to make me feel ba-"

"No! I have some questions." Joshua hated being cut off, and Jeonghan had known that. "Fine! Ask away. It's not like I need sleep anyway." He snapped back.

Jeonghan lingered on the other side, the sound of him shuffling in place was heard. "I...you..." Joshua didn't respond, waiting for Jeonghan to speak first. It seemed like Jeonghan finally made up his mind, a loud whoosh signaling an exhale.

"...Can you ...tell me about Seungcheol's likes and dislikes." Joshua heard it as clear as day, the way Jeonghan switched what he was going to say at the last second. He wanted to disregard the question, but maybe that's really what Jeonghan wanted to ask. "...so you really called me to make me feel bad."

"It... wasn't my intention to." Jeonghan whispered. "I'm sorry for waking you up." Joshua let that slid, something he wanted to hear him say for something else. "Is that your question? About Seungcheol?" 

"Mhm."

He sighed and punched the pillow next to him. Don't tell him, Seungcheol doesn't like him anyway. He rolled onto his other side. But I should get over him. He could be happier with Seungcheol. Shutting his tired eyes, he clenched his jaw. Joshua swapped to the other ear once more in annoyance. "Seungcheol likes sweets. He hates bitter things. He's childish and immature at times but he's really nice once you get to know him. If there's anything to hate about him it's his workaholic persona. When he get's busy, he does things to the end, nothing ends halfway." Deciding the bed wasn't where he wanted to be,he got up and made his bed, phone stuck between his shoulder and ear. 

"Right now he's taking care of his new family and is very busy. If you want to get on his good side maybe you should take up child-rearing." Joshua hated that he was recommending his own cousin knowing that Seungcheol doesn't like Jeonghan one bit. 

"...You didn't have to tell me all that." Joshua ran out of things to do to his bed so he moved to the kitchen. Looking at the clock hanging by the door, it read 3 am. It really was an ungodly hour to call. "You asked, what was I suppose to say, get lost you're stupid?" At least I can hear his voice this way. If Seungcheol keeps Jeonghan I can keep seeing him. Joshua began talking himself into believing everything would go well in the end. 

Jeonghan didn't say anything else, just letting Joshua ramble about Seungcheol. "You didn't fall asleep on me did you? You were the one who rudely woke me up at this ungodly hour..." Jeonghan hummed in response but Joshua could tell Jeonghan was falling asleep. Dating does that to people. Remembering every little quirk, all the imperfections look endearing.  "Go to bed Jeonghan. You shouldn't have called so late." Joshua whispered. Jeonghan must of been borderline asleep because his following words shook Joshua's well made walls.

"....I called so late....because I was nervous....." Joshua wanted to know why Jeonghan was nervous, but at the same time he doesn't. Jeonghan never remembers what he says when he sleep talks, it wouldn't hurt to probe a little. "Why were you nervous Han?" Jeonghan wasn't responding so Joshua thought he was dead asleep when Jeonghan quietly exhaled a heavy breath. "....because I am calling and talking to Joshua...." 

Joshua choked, but dismissed it as fast as he heard it. "Sleep Jeonghan. I..." Just one last time. "I love you Jeonghan. Sleep tight." He ended the call immediately, berating himself for giving in. 

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Jeonghan was dreaming, he was sitting next to Joshua in the park back in LA. "Joshua? What are we doing here?" Joshua flashed an uncomfortable smile, dropping it as soon after. "I'm here with you. Isn't this all that matters?" Jeonghan shook his head. He needed to know what was going on in Joshua's head.

"Do you, still love me?" 

He studied Joshua's face, looking for that one emotion. Joshua refused to meet his eyes. 

"If I don't?" he finally answered, but it wasn't what Jeonghan wanted to hear. 

It broke his heart, seeing Joshua so dejected. Grasping at Joshua's hands, they were cold as ice, his grip tightened. "No, Joshua. It's okay. It's better this way. You can find someone who can cherish you properly." A few tears threatened to fall from his eyes, eyebrows furrowing to keep them at bay. He choked a little, but he had to finish what he wanted to say. "You need someone better than me." But that wasn't what his heart was saying. It's only a dream. Say it. 

"I love you too. I love you so much." 

Joshua shook off his hands harshly. "You can't just say that! You can't just say that you love me and push me away! It doesn't work like this!" Joshua was shaking with anger, Jeonghan didn't know what to do. He cried, loud and ugly and reached for Joshua. "No, no Joshua. You don't understand!" Joshua only stepped away just out of his reach. "Then make me understand!"

Jeonghan really wanted to blurt everything out, but even in a dream he couldn't find the right words. "Just don't leave me alone Joshua, please." he eventually choked out. Joshua sat back down on the bench, both facing the busy streets as Jeonghan collected himself. The cars passed by, the stars twinkled in the sky without a care in the world. The surrounding scenery didn't reflect their mood, but Jeonghan could care less. Joshua snuck a hand into Jeonghan's, interlacing their fingers. "Whatever you're going through, if you let someone in, it would be easier on you." And Jeonghan knew those words were true. If he only told Joshua everything that was going on, if he only let people get close enough, he could have someone to lean on, someone to help him out.

Waking up in his bed, phone by his head, he stared at the ceiling blankly. I wish I wasn't a Yoon. I wish I was just some normal person with a normal history. 

I wish I could have Joshua.