Happy Lunar New Year everyone.

--------------

Sitting before the doctor, Wonwoo to Jihoon's left, Seungcheol to his right, he fidgeted with his sleeve. Peeking up at the doctor from time to time, he didn't dare to make eye contact for longer than a split second. Not again. Without doing anything, just sitting in the doctor's presence, Seungcheol noticed the quickening breath beside him. Stealing a peek, he couldn't help but worry. "Jihoon?"

Jihoon turned towards him to indicate that he was listening but he didn't stop his moving around. "Is something wrong?" The doctor observed for a little longer before introducing himself. "Young man, I am Dr. Kim. Is there something bothering you?" 

There was still no response from Jihoon directly, but Wonwoo deemed it enough. "I think he doesn't want to be here. I'm going to take him out for some fresh air." Not letting the doctor or Seungcheol say anything, Wonwoo helped Jihoon up and out the little office. Stunned in silence, Seungcheol wrecked his brain for a reason. A fear of doctors? No, he was fine when they did check ups during his stay. 

"Seungcheol-ssi, do you know why he behaved that way?" Seungcheol couldn't answer Dr. Kim. "No, I have never seen him so distressed. At most a frown or a fearful look when the kids are in danger but never panic. Was that a panic attack?"

"Well, I can't say for sure as I don't know his background. He may have a fear of being enclosed with a stranger, he could be thinking about something else entirely. Let's try a different approach."

With Seungcheol, the doctor listed several at home psychological tests. "Since we can't assess him upfront, we're going to have to go around. Try these things in a familiar setting and tell me what happens." In that list were some things Seungcheol had seen on tv before, like drawing a picture themselves, completing a puzzle, taking a personality quest. Others were more specific like behavior assessments to situations and acting out distressful events. 

"I'll try to do them as soon as I can."

-------------

No, not the doctor's office. Not again. 

"The school called and said you didn't talk to anyone, why do you have to be such a pain?!"

"He has selective mutism."

"You look just like your father. Don't talk to me." 

No more. No more!!!

"Jihoon! Listen to me Jihoon. It's me Wonwoo! You're outside now." Wonwoo? Wonwoo-hyung. Jihoon gripped Wonwoo's shirt tightly in his pale fists. Shrinking into Wonwoo's chest, he hid his face into the taller's neck. "Hyung..." Shaking off the shock of the action, Wonwoo wrapped his arms tightly around the other's middle. "It's okay. I'm here."

----------------

I was only trying to protect myself. Ever since I was able to remember, it was like this. You look like your father, go away. You look like your father, don't talk to me. 

Looking back, my father was never there. Forced to do anything to survive, I silenced myself. I hid my face whenever mother was near. I never looked her in the eyes, she didn't like them. Maybe when I was 4? I was still too young to go to school by myself, other kids were brought to school by their parents. So I didn't attend enough days to understand many things. It became a habit to remain silent, I just couldn't find it in myself to talk to the others, mother would be mad.

Once the school finally took action, they signed me up for a specialist. Mother was asked to go, she really didn't want to. Going was a mistake. 

"What is your name son?" 

"....." Don't say a word. Mother is right next to you.

"Son? Did you hear me?" Mother nudged me. It must mean to keep quiet. "He must be uncomfortable. Honey, tell the nice doctor your name." She told me, her hand gripping my arm. What do I do? Does she want me to speak? No don't talk.

Pinch. 

"....Jihoon." 

"Hmm, you must be uncomfortable being spoken to by strangers. It's okay to talk to me though, I'm a doctor, I'm here to help you."

I didn't pay attention at all. I was too afraid of what mother would do to me after the visit. 

Dragged by my arm back to the bus stop, she forcefully sat me down. "Selective mutism, you really are a freak. That's it. I don't want to try anymore. Why couldn't you answer the doctor? He said he wants to meet you more often. He says you have autism!!!" She was breathing very loudly. She must be really angry. "Tell me you little bastard!!!" 

"I-......" My voice isn't coming out. She grabbed my shirt and shook me. My neck was hurting from how fast my head snapped back and forth.

Taking the bus, we got home. I was left at the door, avoiding eye contact. She was making loud noises, throwing things and breaking things, using words that I didn't understand. I knew they weren't good things that she was saying. Since she was inside and she hasn't done anything about me talking earlier, maybe it was best that I stay outside.

That was the first time I stayed out. 

I didn't talk, I didn't understand. I stayed out of mother's way. If I was hungry, I had to make it myself. At least she kept the pantry full of instant foods. Other kids complained that I smelled, so I learned to wash by myself and do laundry. 

Up until I was 7 years old, I guess she couldn't look at my face anymore, just keeping quiet wasn't enough. But she was all I had. Leaving me at the front door of the nearest orphanage, she shoved some papers in my hands and told me to stay here. I knew from the moment she left that she wasn't coming back for me.

"What is you name son?"

"Who left you here?"

"Are you lost?"

Not a word.