My Cold and Arrogant Roommate by krissica15
VᴇʀꜱᴀEᴍᴇʀɢᴇ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ Archive。
REVIEWER'S CORNER
I hope I didn't sound too mean or harsh as that isn't my intention here. I'm trying to help you improve and whether you listen to me or not is very much up to you. If you have any questions, let me know and please remember I'm trying to help you, not hurt you.
my cold and arrogant roommate
Just a disclaimer, there is a lot written here and some of it may sound mean and I apologize for that; the way I type does make people think I am mean. I am not going to sugarcoat anything.
Title:
The title is very unoriginal, not eye-catching, and overall generic. I've seen this title in many variations and it's just not a good title. At all. There's absolutely nothing unique about these titles, no matter the variation used and this one is probably the most cliche out of them all. I've seen "Mr. arrogant Oh Sehun is my freaking roommate?da heck?" (though this title is pretty dreadful), My Celebrity Roommate, and much more. The "My _____ Roommate" are very over used in ANY fandom though using "Arrogant", "Stupid/Weird" or "Celebrity" seems to be the main words used from what I have noticed. The title makes me think this will be a cliche story.
The one thing that made me kind of sigh was "will they fall in love?" that is the most predictable thing. I'm going to say yes, they will eventually because that's how all these stories end and I have a feeling that this will end that way as well.
The first part of the description represents people I don't like. "Moving to Korea was her goals since she was in middle school, due to kpop, the kdramas, food, fashion etc." People should not be moving to a country for these reasons. You listed the worst possible things (minus food as this is a more legitimate reason) to move to a country for as South Korea is NOT all about K-pop, K-dramas, or fashion. It's about the culture and while these are a part of the culture, they are NOT what the culture is all about. I would think about changing these things to something more logical because I am someone who will be going to South Korea to teach and while loving K-pop is a bonus, that's not the reason I am going nor will it ever be. It makes people sound like Koreaboo's when they want to move to SK mainly for K-pop.
Also, English teachers in South Korea get free apartments especially if you work with a public school, hagwons do give them free as well though but require more negotiation at times. They usually will give you one and you have to live with whatever they give you. If you want to get your own apartment, you can find your own place and get an allowance from the school/program which will grant you 400,000 won (or more if you negotiate) instead of a fully provided house.
Also, JB is in GOT7 so this is not a full AU fanfic which is bad. GOT7 (more like JYP) would NOT allow someone, a girl especially, who is a FAN of ANYTHING K-POP to roommate with a K-IDOL. Does that not sound ridiculous to you? Also, why is Jaebum arrogant? Jaebum is probably the sweetest man I've ever got the honor to meet and if he's still an idol in this, why would he be cold or arrogant? Doesn't make sense.
Plot:
I had a feeling this story would be cliche just by looking at the title. The description kind of proves that there was going to be cliches and to me, too much cliches are boring. This plot has been used so many times, I don't think it's fun to read them anymore considering there are probably thousands on this website alone. The fact that he was still in GOT7 and that this is not an AU fic where he is NOT an idol definitely makes this worse since as I said above, JYPE would not allow this. There is a good amount of issues with this story and the plot is one of them but it's not the major problem.
The cringiest moment was "HE IS A KPOP IDOL?" and the word 'shook' is horrid. There's a lot wrong here and I think the way the OC is presented in this aspect is not good. The chapters are very short as well and I feel like the story's not really going anywhere as of right now. I don't see a real conflict that has to be solved here.
"Plot is a literary term used to describe the events that make up a story or the main part of a story. These events relate to each other in a pattern or a sequence. The structure of a novel depends on the organization of events in the plot of the story."
Plot have five main elements. The first is the exposition or the introduction. This is known as the beginning of the story where characters and setting are established. - Jaebum and Minah were established as characters and the setting is in South Korea, this is checked.
The conflict or main problem is introduced as well. - This I fail to see. What's the real conflict? That they're roommates? That's not going to push a story forward. That Jaebum is 'cold' or 'arrogant'? No, this isn't going to make a real story either, that's his "personality". I personally fail to see the conflict or main problem.
The second element of a plot is known as the rising action which occurs when a series of events build up to the conflict. - This seems to be missing as well as there is no real conflict here.
Writing Style/Flow:
There were some typos in the description.
'Arrogant' is spelled as 'aggrogant'
'Minimum' is spelled as 'Minumium'
There were some grammar mistakes in the description as well.
"I hope your okay with me being your roommate."
The first time your is used is incorrect. The proper use would be "You're" as that means you are. "I hope you're okay with me being your roommate."
The word usage isn't good either. Using "shook" is awful and very cringy. I feel like some stupid teenager started saying this and made it a trend because I cannot express how much I dispise this word and using it in a story is a horrible error as it makes the writing seem more childish.
The writing style has a few problems as well. The main problem is the astericks. This is not a roleplay. We do not use astericks in works of writing because then it seems like a roleplay. Example: *Opening of a door* You couldn't just say "I heard the door open"? Because that's the proper way of doing it in a work of fiction, using astericks is a no-no. I feel like I'm reading a roleplay now that I really think about it.
Also using pictures is no. In a chaptered book, you wouldn't see pictures. You would see words to describe what the character was wearing. This story is definitely more of a roleplay type so I don't really know if it can be considered a story.
Characterization:
You made Jaebum almost like a control freak. Cameras in the house, REALLY? Jaebum is very out of character here, especially considering this is not an AU and he is in GOT7 as an idol, and it's almost bad. He seems like an obsessive/possessive paranoid man which he is far from. There's a few issues with Jaebum here. The way he acted towards Bambam and his inner thought are not Jaebum, you should have made this a college AU since that would make more sense than this.
Typical girl presented as a K-Pop fan who, of course, gets to be with an idol. Not the first time I've seen this and probably will not be the last. It's always the OC females as well, I barely come across any strong/good OC female characters anymore and they all seem the same. Minah is not special in any aspects.
Personal Enjoyment:
There's a good amount of problems with this, as stated above, and these kind of stories need to be thought about more. Some questions (with answers) to be thought about here:
Is it really logical to have a FEMALE, especially a FAN, room with an idol?
No, not going to happen ever.
Will someone find out about this easily?
Yes, someone would easily find out about this and rumors would definitely insue and JB would get into trouble.
Is my story cliche?
Yes, it is very cliche and there's not much originality to it.
Is my OC role unique?
No, she's not at all. If you look at other OC's, a lot of them are like this and she doesn't stand out in the crowd.
Is my title unique and has it been done before?
No, the title isn't unique and yes, it's been done before a lot.
The story does need a bit of work in my opinion as it represents more of a roleplay as I said before. Besides the missing plot elements such as a real conflict, any plot can be good if executed correctly but in this instance, I feel as if you didn't try your hardest on this. The use of the astericks seems like you aren't confident in your writing enough to actually describe the outfit, chapter 5 is a good example since a picture is there, or you're lazy. I don't want to assume anything but those are usually the two reasons for things like that.
There are a lot of cringy moments but the thing I mentioned above with the "HE'S A KPOP IDOL?" and 'shook' really did it for me. I pretty much just stopped reading at that point because it was too much for me. I'm more of a book reader so I have higher expectations than most when it comes to reviewing fanfictions. I expect more proper English, a good plot, and exciting characters. This kind of lacked all three but I don't care about the grammar part as much because we all make errors with grammar when writing, that's why authors have editors. I also don't know where your from or if English is your first language so I try not to be harsh on that area.
Overall, it wasn't for me and probably never will be as I am someone who doesn't like overly cliched things (that definitely doesn't apply to majority of this website though) so sorry on that aspect. Again, sorry if I sounded harsh, I want to help not harm.
Don't forget to credit the shop and if you have any questions about anything, please let me know. I'm not a professional writer but I've been reviewing and writing for years now so if you need help, don't be afraid to message me directly or ask for help while picking up your review.
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