Notes From Reviewer

Title 

The title should be stylized as "Girl on the Run" instead of just "Girl on the run", so that's one thing, and although the title is pretty relevant to the story since Momoko is on the run, the title is kind of boring and unoriginal. I honestly thought of a movie called Girl on the Train when I saw it. 

Description & Foreword 

The main problem with the foreword, to point this out first, is the character profiles. Stories do not need character profiles because as a person reads the story, they get to know the characters and are steadily introduced to new ones. Putting character profiles in the foreword gives away everything that doesn't need to be given away. Books will never have character profiles and yes, a lot of people on this website do this but it really isn't needed and it can give away too much.

For the description, I feel like I really don't need to read the story to know what is happening and with the character profiles, I know more than I need to. Like for instance that Zelo becomes her friend, that doesn't need to be there. Jeonghan is suspicious, that also doesn't need to be there. None of it does. The pictures are pretty big too which can be distracting. Since people probably have no idea who the Japanese girls are, maybe have smaller pictures for just them since everyone knows who Jeonghan, Zelo, and Gain are. Anyways, as I said I pretty much know that Momoko has done murder and moves to Seoul to escape three demons chasing her. There's really nothing extrodinary about it.

Plot

One thing I didn't like is the fact that her sister, Chisato, asked if that was blood on her shirt and she replied that it was fake blood to which her sister just shrugged it off. I think it should be questioned more to why she has blood on her shirt, or even fake blood. Only someone with no brains would believe her lie. Another thing is I don't understand why someone would kill their bestfriend because of that unless they were mental. They could have talked it out instead of it resulting to murder.

Another thing is it is very hard to escape from murder unless you were a very skilled sereal killer which she doesn't seem to be. Where did she put the knife? What about the bloody clothes? Someone would have caught her very easily in the situation you made. Her sister should have known better as well. 

Also, how can they speak Korean if they just decided to move out of the blue without any prior knowledge? It seems like Momoko just said "let's go" without really knowing anything.

Also why the hell would a demon need a tracking device? They're in Hell, they should be able to know where she is without one. I'm sorry but this is just not realistic. In the club, SOMEONE would have noticed a JAPANESE girl in a KOREAN club looking suspicious. Where the hell did she get the knife? Where did she even PUT it to the point where no one would see her? Someone else would probably have been in the bathroom as well considering it's a club. It's just very unrealistic and she would have been thrown in jail by now. Also the whole Gain saying she feels like Momoko will kill again and then she just goes to kill for no reason? 

Writing Style 

The spacing is a little wonky. Like sometimes it's triple spaced, other times it's spaced more than that. When it comes to writing fanfics I think double space is the best way to do thing, it makes it look nice and neat and not all over the place. But the spacing seems to change every chapter from what I noticed and it's a tad messy.

Another thing is this line in Chapter 1: "Not even the devil himself haha." Why is 'haha' there? It sounds like someone is just having a casual conversation when this is supposed to be a story.

In chapter 1-2 + prologue, the font is the same. The font in chapter 3 is different. It's very inconsistent and if you're gonna change the font, change all the chapters fonts, not just leave them there. The font starts to get smaller at some points too? I don't really get it.

The POV changes way too much too, like Jesus.

They're demons, they should have caught her by now, either the demons are very stupid and incompetent (because Momoko isn't a genius for sure) or this is just them not even trying to catch her. They are demons, they aren't human, they have enchanced abilities compareed to a human being.

Characterization 

Momoka is borderline insane and probably has the illness where she feels no sympathy or regre, hell she may even have Schizophrenia. The reason she killed her friend also makes it seem like she has a few issues inside of her head. And in the plane when she fell asleep - yeah that shows that she really does have head issues. After her killing an innocent person with zero reason, she is definitely suffering from a mental illness. She has a problem and she would have been caught by now. Blood would have gotten on her clothes even if she avoided it. SOMEONE would have saw her.

Chisato comes off as very stupid in the beginning. "Is that blood?" She actually believed the fake blood and didn't even question it. No, "why is there fake blood on you?" or something of those sorts. She just went with it and even lets her sister move them around and she STILL has no problems with it.

Zelo isn't even important in the story so he shouldn't be on the character list in the foreword. Jeonghan just happened to get his lover killed which is a rare chance. And I don't know, none of the characters seem realisitc.

Flow 

The flow is quite messy. It's everywhere. The story is also rushed, one second she is at a club where she murdered an INNOCENT victim, then she's cornered by demons, then she's home. It's a very failed game of catch the mouse. 

Personal Enjoyment 

Honestly this is just too unrealisitc for me. It makes no sense, how could two Japanese girls move to Korea with zero knowledge. They are Japanese, I HIGHLY doubt they know a speck of Korean out of nowhere. It didn't say either one of them studied Korean prior. You can't just assume they know everything. The murdering is pointless, Momoko is just a Schizophrenic sereal killer that needs to be thrown in a mental hospital - she would have been caught by now. The killings are not realisitic and people are always in the bathroom of clubs. It's not easy to do a club killing. Someone will always be a witness. Plus in Korea, she will probably stand out since Japanese and Korean people do have different features and I can easily tell one from the other. The story could have had potential but at this point it's a hit and miss.

BUT don't be discouraged by this because as Gordon Ramsay says, instead of ignoring criticism, grow on it. (Something like this). When you get criticism you should think about what the person said and reevaluate. That's how authors, fanfic writers, ANY writers get better. If you ignore it, you'll never get better. Everyone has the ability to get better at writing and you do too. I was the same way, honestly. One of my fanfics was terrible but I've gotten better with practice. (Hell I even used Japanese people in my fanfics before too but they were all Japanese in Japan RIP) but I think you have potential, you just need to practice, practice, practice. It took me almost 4 years to get better and I am still paranoid about my own writing.