“What is going on” I asked the nurses who are speeding to the operating room.

I don’t know what to think anymore. None of these freakin people are giving a damn on me. All of them are on a rush that I just found myself peeking in the small window on the door.

All I can see are doctors and nurses in panic. Some are surrounding Billie. I can spot Doctor Kim and he’s pumping my wife’s chest so hard, making me feel like he’s going to break her bones. Is she having a hard time breathing?

“Jiyong” Appa pulled me to him “Let’s just wait here” he said.

I looked at him with my tears blurring my vision “Something bad is happening to Billie Appa…something wrong is going on” I told him like a little child.

He stared at me for a while then hugged me tightly, next thing I know it, Omma joined has joined us already.

“She’s going to be fine” she keeps on saying, but it’s not making me feel any better.

Why does this have to happen? We were so happy a while ago because our daughter made it to this world without any complications. Billie looked fine to me as well, she even dropped a joke before I left her in the operating room.

All this time I thought my family will not have any problems anymore, but here are we now, having one and it’s getting the best out of me.

Minutes passed by with us feeling so nervous and scared. All of us are waiting for the doctors to come out with the hope that they have good news for us. Yes, reality is hitting us. No. It’s actually stabbing us, but we’re still holding on to that thin thread of hope that Billie is fine and she made it.

“Doctor Kim!” MG called while pointing at him.

At last, the long wait’s over. Three doctors walked out of the operating room including Doctor Kim. I went to him right away with my whole body shaking and my nerves pent up.

“Doc” I reached him in a flash. He’s got a blank expression on his face and from there, I already know that something bad happened or a bad news is going to be announced.

He took a deep breath then touched my shoulder “Jiyong” he called in a sad tone.

From there, my heart started banging my chest. Doctor Kim is hanging the out of me when he can just tell me the real deal about my wife.

“How’s Billie? How’s my wife?” I asked in worry.

He just stared at me. His eyes are telling me something that I can’t point out.

“What?!” I exclaimed.

The doctor shook his head slowly and my body suddenly went cold.

“What does that mean?” I asked with my shaky voice “Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?”

At this point, my soul isn’t in my body anymore. I know so well what he means when he shook his head, but I just don’t want to believe.

And because I don’t want to believe whatever that “shaking of the head” means, I ran inside the operating room to check on my wife.

With my twisted mind, I entered the operating room where all I can see are nurses removing the apparatuses and tubes that were on Billie a while ago. They all got shocked upon seeing me as I walk to them slowly, my eyes fixed on my motionless wife.

“How is she?” I asked.

The nurses gave way for me to get to my wife closer. Billie is just lying on the operating bed, her arms on both sides, a tube is inserted in but none of the machines are working anymore. I looked at the nurses who are watching me in pain and pity.

“What is going on?” I asked with a twisted mind.

“She’s….” a nurse said then swallowed hard “Your wife’s….already…..dead”

The moment I heard what he said, my knees went weak and my mind went blank. This is not true. This cannot be true.

“NO!” I said firmly then faced Billie, I held her hand and felt that it’s still a bit hot.

“She had a heart attack” Doctor Kim suddenly showed up “Her vitals went unstable minutes after her delivery….we did everything to get her back but it seems like she has reached the end of the line already….her heart rate went down drastically and no matter how we try to stabilize it….it continuously went down…we have tried everything to get her back….and there’s nothing more we can do….we announced her dead about three minutes ago”

him! He’s talking ! Billie will not leave us, not when our daughter is already here. This woman is just playing around. I swear. She has to be playing around because if not, I’m going to lose my mind.

I shook my head “No…she’s not dead” I said then tugged on a nurse.

“Put those tubes in her again….do everything to get her back!” I exclaimed but none of them are doing anything.

“Billie Kennedy” I lifted her up by the shoulders “Don’t you in leave me” I said then shook her gently.

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!” I yelled at her then patted her cheek lightly “WAKE UP! KENKEN! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS! YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU WILL HOLD ON….THAT YOU WILL NOT LET GO” I break down then hugged her tightly “Cara Belle is waiting for you” I whispered then cried my heart out.

“KENKEN!” this was my last cry. Doctor Kim pulled me out of the room already and the moment I saw our family and friends, all I can do is look at them with a blank expression on my face.

They already know it. Loud cries embraced the whole floor. Mummy was even rushed to the emergency for she fainted while the rest of us grieve. Appa and Omma were the ones comforting me. My mother is holding on to me like never before, while I’m trying to get strength from her.

“She’s gone…she already left me” I keep on saying.

“ssshhh” Omma cupped my face with both hands “Jiyong…listen to me” she said with tears rolling down her cheeks “She is and we’ve got no choice but to accept it”

How do you think can I accept Billie’s lost? That woman is my wife. She’s the other half of me, my life and the reason why I’m breathing. Accepting and even thinking that I cannot hold her in my arms and feel her love anymore is enough to kill me.

“Kenken!” Bunny called and when I turned to the direction she’s looking at, Billie’s body is being wheeled out of the operating room already.

My wife is fully covered in white cloth and the sight of it will give you more pain that you imagined.

“UGLY!” MG ran to her sister then cried so hard. Drake on the other hand is not making any sound nor is he crying.

They all went to Billie, while I stay on the couch that I’m sitting on. The nurses who wheeled her out made them look at her by removing the cloth that is covering her face.

“Jiyong” Noona called while crying so hard.

I just stared at her. She reached out her arm to me, asking me to come near. I shook my head then walked out.

This is all surreal. I cannot take this.

I feel like I just rode the roller coaster of emotions for I’ve felt all the emotions a human being can feel and I’m stuck to sadness and devastation right now. Whether I’ll move on from this or not, nobody knows.

Going home in a big empty house is totally the craziest ever. My heavy heart and clouded mind is all I have and I hate it because all I want right now is to be numb. I don’t want to feel anything simply because I’m done with the pain and I’m also tried of fighting already, most especially now that the woman I’m fighting for has given up.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I shouted desperately and slid to the floor.

I’m curled into a ball while crying my heart out. I feel horrible. I’m in need of my wife’s hug, but I can’t get one anymore no matter how I want it.

My only resort to make myself feel good and somewhat feel numb, I drowned myself in alcohol. I don’t know how many bottles I’ve consumed, I really don’t care at all.

“Jiyong” a warm hand touched me by the arm “Jiyong” she called again.

I snapped for she sounds like Billie. I knew it. I’m just having a bad dream. She’s still alive!

“Hey” Noona said.

I rubbed my eyes then looked around. My wife is somewhere here. I swear. She’s here. She’s the one calling me.

“Where’s Billie