Decisions are to be made with an open mind and heart. There are also times wherein all you need is deep understanding of the matter.

A few hours ago, Billie and I made one of the biggest decisions that we ever had and it’s the most painful of all.

I can say and prove that I am a fighter even if there are times that I’m not in the right position anymore. What I didn’t know is that I’ll be put in this situation wherein I’m willing to fight till the end for my heart and mind are in sync in telling me that I should, but happens and in just a snap of a finger, I have to give up the fight and raise both my hands up and accept the reality that I cannot save the woman that I love the most from death.

They say miracles do happen and right now, all I’m praying is for God to give me a miracle. I’m no saint, but I have my faith and it is all that I can hold on and lean on to for strength and will to go on. Giving her up is the most painful thing that I’ll do in my whole existence and I don’t even know if I can still go on with life once that tragic day comes.

“I won’t go for the transplant anymore” Billie is the one who broke our decision to everybody.

From the way our families and friends looks, I can tell that they are not that shocked by the announcement anymore. It seems like they have seen this coming already and even though that it’s so hard to take, they are acting really cool with it.

“Are you both sure of this?” Mummy looked at Billie then to me.

I gave out a sigh then nods “Yes Mummy….we have talked and agreed about it already” I answered and next thing I know it, both our mothers along with our sisters are crying so hard.

Billie sighed then looked at me “I don’t want this to be so dramatic” she said and all I can do is smile painfully.

To be honest, I’m near to breaking down as well. Just put yourself in my place. What will you do if your husband/wife’s days are already numbered? How will you be able to live each day thinking that your time of being together is shortened with each passing day? How do you act like you’re happy when all you want to do is cry your heart out while hoping for the pain to be washed away by your tears?

“Oh please! C’mon guys! Don’t be too dramatic!” Billie exclaimed then dragged her weak body out of bed.

My whole being shaken when she nearly fell back to the bed because she can’t even carry her weight anymore.

“Careful” I caught her and helped her to our mothers.

Mummy and Omma are crying non-stop. Of course as mothers, they are the ones who are affected the most and there’s nothing for them to do but weep in pain.

Billie shook her head then sighed heavily “Please Mummy” she touched her mother’s shoulder “Omma” she rubbed my mother’s arm gently “Don’t be like this….please”

The women looked at her with so much pity in their eyes. I swear. I’ve never seen Omma this pained before, not even when I was being thrown with the biggest scandals.

“Bill” Mummy pulled her roughly to her then hugged her tightly “You can still change your mind….go with the transplant” she said but her daughter stayed firm by shaking her head.

“I know that this is really hard for you….but Mummy….going through the transplant will just shorten my life more….we all know how risky this procedure is and if I’m going to push through with it….there are huge chances that you might not see me alive anymore tomorrow” Billie is slowly breaking down already.

“But….the doctor said that he will do everything just for the transplant to be successful” Omma said and Billie pulled her closer to her.

My wife sighed then gave out small smile “Omma…it’s better for me to just wait for my judgment day than let the doctors take away my life….I’m better off with dying naturally than breathing my last breath without you guys around”

Hearing what she just said made me snap. I just found myself crying loud and hard than our mothers and sisters. My mind went blank and my heart stopped for reality is slowly sinking in. Billie’s days here on earth are already counted and a miracle is all we need to at least keep her for a few years more.

“Jiyong” she called then hugged me “You promised not to cry” she said.

I pulled out from the hug then stared at her “How can I not cry when you sound like you’re going to die already?” I asked and sighed heavily.

She just hugged me again and this time, were both crying so hard already. I can feel her pain and if only I can take it away from her, I already did for she has been through a lot and I know that this failed transplant is giving her so much pain.

After that, Doctor Kim talked to us once again and he was completely shattered upon hearing our decision. We laid out all our thoughts to him and he considered each and every point.

“What will you do with my marrow if you’re not going to use it on Billie anymore?” I asked curiously.

Doctor Kim took a deep breath then looked us as intently “That’s what I’m about to ask” he said, making me curious “What do you want to do with the donated marrow?” he asked and it made my head spin for I’m already tired from thinking.

“We can still preserve it for Billie and use it once she’s good enough to have the transplant again” he added and it made me look at my wife.

For me, preserving the marrow that I’ve donated is a good idea for this only means that we can go through this process once again and maybe by that time, things are gonna go smoothly already.

“No….we will not preserve it” Billie suddenly speaks out.

I looked at her curiously “I want to donate it to someone who deserves the marrow more than me” she said, making my jaw drop in shock.

“But….” I was about to protest when she looked deep into my eyes and didn’t continue when I saw how decided she is already.

Couple of hours passed by and we’re good to go out of the hospital already. Billie has decided to not take intensive treatments anymore and is going for the low-dose once again. Honestly, I don’t know what will happen to her in these coming days, but I’m pretty confident that we can get through this.

“Let’s not go home first” Billie said on our way home.

I stopped the car then looked at her “Kenken…you look tired already…you need to rest…we can go wherever you want tomorrow” I told her and she shook her head.

“Jiyong…I think you have already forgotten….your concert is tomorrow” she told me and I nearly banged my head on the wall for I was suddenly reminded of the things that I should be doing right this very minute.

I don’t know how to pull it off, but I’m gonna hit the stage tomorrow and rock it no matter how heavy my heart is.

“How can I even forget?” I asked, pissed then looked at my watch.

The clock reads 5 in the afternoon and I’m only an hour away from the final dry run of the whole production. Actually, I already have to get going for I might not make it on time if we stick here longer.

“You know what?” Billie took off her seatbelt “Go to the stadium now and I’ll just ride a cab home” she