The moment starts, it continues until you raise your hands up and wave a white flag. I don’t know what’s going on with my life right now, but what I’m sure of is that, I’m in deep and problems are going to kill the hell out of me even before this doctor tell me how many years I can still live.

“Leukemia? What? No…wait….that’s totally shocking”

Compared to Bunny, I’m still a bit calm. She has screamed and even yelled at the doctor for a non-reliable finding. I’m lost right now that all I can do is listen and not give any reaction at all.

“Are you even sure that…that freakin paper is hers? I mean…c’mon! Look at my friend! She’s perfectly fine!” Bunny said in rage.

I sighed heavily then held her by the arm “Bubu…we both know that I’m not” I told her.

She looked at me in disbelief “What do you mean by that? Kenken….why do I have this feeling that you are fine with whatever this is saying? He just told you that you have Leukemia…it’s CANCER….it can kill you…doesn’t that a ring a bell?”

The words Leukemia, Cancer and Kill. Wow. These words are three of the scariest and the most un-wanted words that a human being can hear.

“It’s already here….I can’t change it” I told her and she walked out of the room.

This is really a surprise. None of us has expected this at all. I actually thought that my Anemia is once again hitting me bad and the rash and bruises and the heavy bleeding is caused by it, but not even in my wildest imagination have I seen that I’ll be dealing with Cancer.

“I’m sorry….my friend is really eaten up by her emotions” I said to the doctor and he smiled warmly at me.

“It’s fine….I’ve seen much worst” he said and I forced out a smile.

I don’t know how many times I pinched myself just to see if I’m in reality or a nightmare. I guess I’m in both. I’m awake but having a nightmare, a bad dream that no one will ever want to have.

“Doc…can you…explain what this kind of Leukemia is? I mean….I have to know about it…right?” I asked with my twisted mind.

He gave me a nod then took a deep breath “Well….Acute Myeloid Leukemia is a rare type of cancer….it can affect people at any age…normally…blood cells are made in the bone marrow orderly and in a controlled way….in your case….this process goes out of control….and many abnormal Leukemia cells are made…these Leukemia cells don’t mature…causing them to not work properly…this leads to an increased risk infection….with symptoms of Anemia and bruising because of fewer red blood cells and platelets…AML can be acquired by smoking….or if you had a blood disorder before” he explained.

“I have those symptoms and I’m a smoker for I don’t know how long already…but…I was checked for a couple times…and was even hospitalized…why haven’t they seen it earlier?” I asked out of curiosity.

I swear. This is ing my mind up. I was checked before and all they tell me is that I have Anemia and now, I’m down with Leukemia which is totally scary and devastating.

“To be honest…it’s really hard to say if you have Leukemia or not coz it can be mistaken for a blood infection or some other diseases….the cancer cells matures slowly but as time passes by….it worsens and once you’re diagnosed with it…it’s either you’re in the second stage or to some in a malignant stage already….you’re still very lucky because you had yourself checked earlier and was diagnosed earlier as well…this just means that there’s still a huge chance for you to survive” he answered and I’m kinda relieved to hear that I still have chances of living long.

“But…if I happen to get worse….how many years do I still have?” this question shook my whole being up. It gave me goosebumps because we’re talking about death here.

He sighed then looked straight into my eyes “Usually…it’s five years or the years in between it….Billie” he called then gave a sympathetic smile “You can still survive this….I believe that….you’re still young….and the survival rate of patients your age is higher than the older ones”

I’m enlightened by what the doctor just said. Maybe this isn’t as scary as I thought it can be. Maybe this is just a test that God decided to give me to see if I can handle another wave of problems. But then again, I can’t convince myself to think positively because Cancer is a traitor. One day you’re fine and the next, you’re already in the casket.

“Can you recommend a treatment that is not that intense….coz….I really don’t want my life to stop because of this illness….I still want to move normally even if I’m under medications and treatments” I told him and he gave me a nod.

“We have this low-dose chemotherapy treatment….this is for the people who are not fit enough to have intensive chemotherapy and for people who choose not to have intensive treatment like you…in this process you can have it by drip or infusion….by mouth or orally….and by injection” he said and honestly, this treatment scared the out of me even if it’s not as hardcore as the rest.

“Chemotherapy….does that mean….I’ll lose my hair?” I asked nervously.

Oh please! I don’t want to go bald coz if I did, how can I face the public? A freakin wig is so obvious. Not only that, me hairless is ing ugly.

The doctor chuckled “Billie…I know that Chemotherapy is always connected to going bald or losing all your body hair…but….in this treatment….the chances of losing it is low…trust me…most patients who are undergoing this low-dose treatment don’t lose their hair out….but of course like any other drug….there are side effects and these can slow down your life a bit…truth is….you have experienced most of it already like Anemia….bruising and bleeding…fatigue….and sore mouth….you’ll be weaker than you normally are sometimes most especially after every session…but don’t worry….you’ll go back to normal after a few days”

This isn’t as bad but still, I’m afraid.

After I asked all my questions and the doctor cleared and explained every detail of my freakin illness, he laid down all the do’s and don’ts on the table already. I’m telling you, this “you need to eat healthy” is not my type, thing is, I have to obey whatever the doctor tells me coz my life is on the line here.

I went out of the doctor’s office with my mind still clouded by a lot of things. I guess reality hasn’t kicked in that much yet, that’s why I’m still playing it all cool, but I have a strong feeling that once it kicks in, I’m going to break down already.

“Bubu” I called upon seeing her in the hospital lobby.

She looked at me with bloodshot eyes then hugged me right away “Gosh! Why do you have to be so dramatic?” I asked.

Bunny pulled out from the hug and just stared at me “Bubu….I’m not yet dying….don’t overreact” I told her and she hit my arm lightly.

“Who wouldn’t react overly Kenken? I swear….that whipped the out of me….what did that freakin doctor tell you? Did he up the results…what?” she is still hoping that things just got twisted and mistaken. I’m sure once I tell her that everything’s legit and the results are really mine, she’ll break out.

I sighed heavily “Bubu….it’s all real….I have Leukemia….and is going to undergo Chemotherapy by next week” I answered and she sat back down the couch again then cried so hard.

I know that it’s really hard to take, but it’s already here. As much as I want things to go my way, there are times that it will go to another route. I’m just unlucky because it went to hell.

“But why? Why you?” Bunny asked.

I crouched down in front of her “I don’t know….maybe….this is what beautiful people like me….deserves” I’m going to play it cool because drama is really not for me.

“Do I have to be scared for myself as well? Kenken…I’m also beautiful…does that mean that I’ll have Leukemia too?” Bunny is serious but hearing this made me laugh my off.

“You’re so crazy!” I slapped her arm playfully then laughed again “Only chosen ones are….we are handpicked to experience this….don’t worry…you’re still safe” I patted her shoulder then pulled her for a hug.

We stayed at the hospital lobby for quite some time before we decided to go home to our respective houses. Truth is, I don’t have plans on going home tonight. I don’t know, I just want to be alone first, while figuring out how to deal with my illness.

“How are you going to tell them about this?” Bunny asked while we’re on our way to her apartment.

I sighed the glanced at her “Bubu….can you say promise?” I said, earning a weird look from her.

“Huh? What are you up to?” she asked.

“Just say promise first”

“Whatever….I promise” she finally said.

“Good” I said with a smile on my face and pulled up in front of their residential building.

“Bubu” I called before she goes down the car.

She looked at me with pity still in her eyes “You just promised to not say anything…not even a single clue or hint…to anybody….most especially to my family…and Jiyong” I spilled out, shocking the out of her.

“What? Are you insane? Kenken! Are you going to hide this from them?” she asked and received a nod from me.

“NO! You can’t go through this alone! They have the right to know…they deserve to know” she insisted but I shook my head.

“No Bubu…I think I’m better alone…I mean….I don’t want to be a burden to you guys coz I’ve been a pain in the for so long already….I can handle this….don’t worry….all I need is your support right now….and all I’m asking is for you to not say a word to anybody…let’s just keep this to ourselves….trust me…it’s better off like this than  have it all out….after all…I’m confident that I’ll survive this …so….there’s nothing to worry or be alarmed about” I said and she gave me a tight hug.

“This is really crazy of you…but….alright” she pulled out then sighed heavily “I’ll keep this as a secret…BUT…once things gets worst….we have to tell everybody….you can always count on me Kenken…you know that so well” she said and I hugged her this time.

“I know….thank you” my tears are siding already and my heart is as heavy as steel too.

My stupidity has kicked in once again and I’m going by it because I really think that it’s much better to not tell anybody about my situation right now. I know that this decision of mine will surely bring me trouble in one way or another, but I just can’t tug everybody down in hell with me. My family is going through a lot. Drake hasn’t recovered yet and it’s going to kill our mother already if I tell her about my illn