Fighting for the people you love is the hardest thing of all, but the word “hard” isn’t going to ring a bell anymore especially when you know that, that person you’re fighting for is the best blessing that you ever received.

I must admit, I’m afraid of what might happen. My pregnancy takes a lot of risks and I’m playing with all my trump cards now. No. It’s much better to say that I’m playing with death this time and winning this game is a bit far from possible. All I can do now is continue life even if it really is giving me so much pain.

“You need to be more cautious now than ever” Doctor Kim said then sighed “Billie” he called then looked straight into my eyes “Your decision will really change everything” he said.

I forced a smile “I know that doc…don’t worry….I’m preparing myself for the worst already” I told him and just gave me a pained look.

I know that this will happen, simply because I’m not really meant to be pregnant. All the doctors that checked on me and handled me said the same thing and that is, I can’t be a mother coz it will take away my life and now that a bittersweet miracle was given to me and my husband, I came to this realization that I shouldn’t give up my baby just because it’ll cost me my life. I’m going to be so unfair to it if I choose my life over him/her. I’d rather suffer, than live and be haunted by its memory each and every single day of my remaining life.

The doctors asked us for gazillion times if we’re already sure of our decision and I keep on telling them that I am with my husband nodding his head in agreement. And after seeing how driven and sure I am to go through this, they laid out the complicated procedures and processes that I’ll be in to.

“You have to visit us every week because we have to monitor the baby’s development intently…right now our focus is on the baby for the first term is very crucial…I know that you hate this…but you have to continue your treatments already….of course…we have to keep your health up as well coz once your immune system goes down again…this pregnancy will be in trouble” Doctor Kim said then smiled “Don’t worry…we’ll do everything just for you and the baby to make it”

After our doctor’s appointment, G-dragon seems a little lost. He’s not talking to me and the excitement and happiness in his eyes are not there anymore. Oh well, I kinda expected this from him already.

“Jiyong” I called after a long silence.

He glanced at me “mmmm”

I moved closer to him, hooked my arm to his then rested my head on his shoulder “Are we good?” I asked.

He sighed then stopped the car on the curb “Seriously….I’m not”

My heart was broken upon hearing him. I thought he’s the positive one here, why do I have a feeling that he has fallen into the negative pit that I’m in hours ago?

I faced him fully “What do you mean?”

G-dragon looked at me with tears welling up his eyes. This is the first time that I ever saw my husband in this state. He’s really torn.

“I don’t know if I still want you to continue your pregnancy” his voice is really shaky “Kenken…hearing the doctors tell you this pregnancy will cost you your life is just so hard to take….at first I thought I can it all up but thinking of it now…I don’t even know if I can live each day seeing our baby without you”

My head is spinning because I’m being torn as well. If before I’m already sure that I’ll push through with this pregnancy, now I don’t know. Seeing my husband so scared that he might lose me is really a painful sight to see. I know that he wants to keep the baby, but his fear of losing me is covering that want up and it’s making him feel crap.

With both hands, I cupped my husband’s face then looked deep into his eyes “All we can do is fight….giving up is going to be the biggest mistake that we’ve ever done” I told him with hot tears rolling down my cheeks “I’m afraid as well Jiyong…but I’m trying to be strong….not for me….but for our baby….we made this out of love and we will not get rid of it just because my life is at stake here”

He held my hand then kissed it “I’m already there…but what if it’s not only you who I’m going to lose? Haven’t you heard the doctors? The possibility that no one from the two of you will survive is huge”

To be honest, I’m totally shaken by that as well. I’m already embracing the fact that I’m going to die once I give birth to this baby, but knowing that it might not survive is totally killing me inside. This is really heartbreaking for I know so well that once things goes worse than expected, my husband will be the one who is going to get crushed in dread and misery for he didn’t just lose one, but two of the most important people in his life.

“Jiyong…this baby is a miracle…it just shows that everything is possible and we can still have hope….I’m sure that this will not be the last miracle that will be given to us…trust me…everything is going to be fine…our baby will make it…you will not lose the both of us” I talk like I’m so sure of what I’m saying when I myself don’t even know what will happen.

Being happy in this situation is just so hard. G-dragon and I are trying to brush reality off because the more we think of it, the more we’ll get hurt and it’s going to lessen the fun that this pregnancy will bring to the two of us. Right now, all we can do is pray that things will turn out right and another miracle is going to be given to us again.

Days passed by and we’re still keeping my pregnancy as a secret to everybody except for Bunny and Youngbae. G-dragon shared the good and bad news to his best friend because he needs someone to release his feelings to. The sole reason why we’re not sharing our baby news is because we’re not ready for their reactions yet. Our friends will surely support us, but our families will be in total chaos for we’re sure that they will convince us to not push through with the pregnancy anymore. Yes, I’m talking about Mummy here. Out of all the people, we can feel that she’ll be the one opposing our decision of keeping the baby.

“Ow!” I just found my long-forgotten notebook and it really made my heart skip a beat coz I’ve been looking for this for a long time already.

Can you still remember the notebook that I always bring wherever I go before? The one that has G-dragon’s list in it? I finally found it after two years. I actually thought that I lost it somewhere.

To craziness and normality

1.       Solve a Rubik’s Cube

2.       Book a ticket to somewhere

3.       Stay in bed all day and eat lots of foods.

4.       Not go to work.

5.       Have an epic kiss with someone I love

6.       Take a road trip

7.       Sing at a public karaoke

8.       Perform for free in public without them knowing who I am

9.       Go to the beach/ swimming

10.   Fall in love

11.   Sleep under the stars for one night

12.   Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger

13.