Love can really make you high and next thing you know it, you’re on your lowest point already. Things are a bit messy between me and G-dragon nowadays and I must say, no matter how I try to convince myself to just go with the flow and have more patience, I can’t anymore, simply because we’re on both ends now when we’re so used in meeting in the middle before.

Heated conversations. Hurtful Words. Fights and arguments here and there. These are what we’re made of as of the moment and it’s just so crazy because I’ve never thought that these things will even hit us. We are living harmoniously before. Our relationship is close to perfection. Our hearts are calm and comfortable that none of us will bend. And here we are now, in chaos, our relationship is so far from how it is almost a month ago and God knows who’s bending already. Distance really brought us in ruins and if only we know how to handle it, I’m pretty sure that we won’t be in this situation now.

I’m so tired of crying every night. Truth is, I’m tired of everything. I feel like I’m living a routine once again. I wake up, go to work till I drop, have my treatments, talk to him then end my day with a fight or an argument. The stress that it’s bringing me is really going to make a huge impact on my health, but since I chose to keep the truth in, I don’t have a choice but to deal with it.

“Billie?”

I looked behind me “Oh Hyun! What are you doing here?” I asked then wiped my tears.

It’s a bit late already and I’m about to close the studio in a few minutes as well. Why is this guy here? Did he forget something?

“Why are you here? I thought you already went home?” I asked then made him sit on the long couch.

He looked at me curiously “Is there something wrong? Why are you crying?” he asked.

I shook my head then forced a smile “Nothing” I answered “Nothing’s wrong” I said then faked a smile again.

Hyun smirked “I know you Billie….that face is telling me that something is going on….and those bloodshot eyes….there’s a reason behind it” he said then cleared his throat “I know that I’m the least person that you want to comfort you….but….I just want you to know that I’m ready to listen”

I’m not yet comfortable with this guy at all. I may be kind and approachable to him already, but I’m still distant. I don’t know, but I have this feeling that whenever he’s near me, I’m unsecured, that he will do what he did to me years ago although I know and I’m already convinced that he has changed into a better person now.

I took a deep breath then stared at him for awhile “Tell me….how do you guys cheat?” I asked randomly.

He looked at me strangely “Why? Is your boyfriend cheating on you?” he asked and I shook my head right away.

“NO! He’s not” I defended, making him chuckle.

“To be honest….we really have different ways of cheating….but….most of us stick with the common way….and that is to make everybody believe that we’re just friends with the girl….actually…there are times wherein we make ourselves believe that we are just friends with that girl mainly because we know that we have another one waiting for us at home…I don’t know…but….we’ll step into this stage of denial wherein we’ll tell ourselves that we’re not feeling anything towards this girl and we’ll convince ourselves that we still love our girlfriends when truth is….we’re falling out of it already….then next thing we know it…we are in another relationship already…while trying to figure out on how to break the other…Billie…” he called then looked straight into my eyes “Men are different from each other…we may have the same anatomy but the way our hearts beat and the way our minds think is totally different ….the way of cheating that I told you awhile ago may apply to some….but…there are guys who make friends with girls but there’s nothing more than that” Hyun’s answer really shook my whole being up, but I’m ready to shrug it off because I don’t want to go into conclusions.

If men go for the common way which is making themselves believe that they have no feelings for this certain girl and that they still love their partners, doesn’t this mean that they are just fooling themselves? I mean, why hide your true feelings when you know at the end of the day that it’ll still prevail? That after a few weeks or months, you’ll not be able to handle it anymore and just burst out.

“That’s insane…I mean….why do you still have to be in denial when you know so well that you’ve fallen in love with another woman already? Does that mean that you guys only pity your girlfriends…that’s why you’re trying to stick to them even if your minds and hearts are owned by someone new?” I asked curiously, totally bombarding him with questions.

Hyun sighed heavily “Billie…I know why you asked this to me….you have a feeling that he is cheating on you….right?”

This question is just so hard to answer. I don’t know, but there’s a part of me that says yes, while the other part says no. I trust G-dragon. Thing is, I don’t know if I still trust him as much as before.

“We’re totally scattered all over the place…I’m telling you Hyun….there’s nothing good in our relationship anymore…I can’t even remember the last time that we had a decent and non-heated conversation…it’s making me really crazy” I told him and he shook his head.

“Look Billie….I know that I’m not the right person to say this….but….there is a fine line between doubt and accusation….don’t you think you’re accusing him of something that he’s not even doing rather than just having a doubt? One thing that I cannot understand in women is…they will tell you that they trust you…that they will not even have a bit of doubt to your loyalty…but once you do something that they don’t want or for them is worth alarming...they will change completely and they will tell you that they are just having doubts when truth is….they are accusing you already…that they already have a conclusion when there’s nothing to be concluded at all” Hyun said, making me roll my eyes.

He smirked then shook his head “That’s the truth….you girls just won’t listen to whatever we say…you pretend that you are….but deep inside you…you’re not…I totally understand Jiyong if sometimes he’s firing up whenever you talk to him….it’s because you don’t know any topic aside from that Japanese girl” he said, shocking the hell out of me.

“Trust me….if you continue being too paranoid and “doubtful”….one of these days…you’re speculations will soon be a reality and when that happens….you’ll definitely be broken into pieces…so if I were you…give yourself a break…snap out of it….better not talk to him first until you’re ready to drop the topic of him cheating on you”

I cannot believe this! Hyun and I are talking like we use to talk before. He’s still good in explaining things and enlightening me.

There was silence in the room after that. My mind is recalling everything that Hyun told me as well as his advices. Yes, I still don’t trust this person, but I find his words and advices really helpful.

I chuckled, breaking the silence “GOSH! This is really surprising…don’t you think?” I asked, making him look at me curiously.

I sighed heavily “Hyun! We’re talking like we used to before! You’re once again pulling me out of misery and what’s shocking is that….none of us…I’m sure….is expecting this to happen at all” I told him, making him laugh.

He gave me a nod in agreement “Yeah…it’s surprising….and it feels good at the same time…actually…the reason why I came is because my assistant left some of my important documents here and because she lives far from here…I volunteered to get it what I didn’t know is that I’m going to be your listening ear and shoulder to cry on” he said.

I gave out a hearty laugh “Thank you”

Hyun smiled at me then patted my shoulder “I’m here to listen any time….we’re friends…so…it’s just right for me to lend my ears to you from time to time”

In all fairness to this guy, ever since I became kind to him, he stopped bugging me already. Oh well, he looks harmless to me and even though I know that G-dragon will surely fire up once he learns that I’m in good terms with Hyun, I’ll not break the friendship that we’re starting to build again. My man is so easy to talk to anyway. He’s so open-minded so I’m sure he can understand.

After that night, Hyun and I became comfortable to each other again. Every time I go to work at their company, he’ll drop by my office to simply say hi or to bring food. There’s nothing to worry because I already made it clear to him that no matter how close we become, nothing romantic will happen anymore. What we have is just plain friendship and there’s nothing more than that.

“I swear Kenken…you’d be so dead once Jiyong finds out about you and Hyun being friends again” Bunny said while helping me to the car.

I just finished my second chemotherapy session and is feeling so weak. According to my doctor, my body is responding well with the medications and it’s a good sign that I’ll still be cured.

“Bubu….I know that this will get the monster out of Jiyong…but…being friends with Hyun is not that bad at all…he’s the one who’s there whenever I need someone to talk to other than you….he has changed….and I absolutely believe that” I defended.

Bunny looked at me as if I just said the crappiest statement of all time “Yes…he may have changed…but do you think Jiyong will see that? Those two are the worst enemies of all! And no matter what you do…they will not be at peace”

I sighed “Trust me…things are gonna go smoothly”

She hissed then drove off “I’m going to bet my whole life in this…IT WON’T”

Days passed by and I’m still in a cold war with G-dragon. I haven’t called him or even sent a single message yet. I know that this isn’t healthy anymore, but this is the only way for us to not fight. We’re both sick of all the fighting and I don’t even know what to do next if we ever be in one again.

“Bubu…I’ll just go out for coffee” I said then grabbed my bag on the couch.

She hissed “Are you sure you’re going out for coffee? C’mon Kenken! We both know that you’re going out to smoke”

OK. Fine. I haven’t quit smoking fully yet, but I’m trying my hardest to get it out of my system already. My doctor told me that even though quitting it is a must, I don’t have to push myself to stop right away because t