“You don’t know what you’re talking about Jiyong! You’re not here! How can you believe whatever crap is written on those articles? You are the celebrity here and you know so well how these ers work….they will write no matter what just for money! Not only that…you know so well that there’s nothing to believe in when it comes to gossips and scandals until it has been proven….now…tell me….have you already proven that I’m going out with Hyun? Huh? Have you seen any pictures of us hugging or his arm around my shoulders or us holding hands? You’re so unbelievable! NO! GULLIBLE! Or shall I say…stupid?”

I just read a new article about her and that jerk, Hyun. It’s been days since they were last spotted together in a restaurant and now, they dined out again and my lovely girlfriend is not even giving a damn if she’ll be seen walking around with that guy.

“Kenken…what do you want me to think? You’re being seen everywhere with that bastard….you’re always together….pictures of you two are spreading like wildfire…yes….there are no pictures of you kissing or touching each other….but isn’t your sweet dine outs enough to make me feel crap? Don’t tell me that you agreed to eat out with him just because of work coz I know that your job with them is already done” I countered with a tone lower than hers.

This is what I hate the most. I don’t want to argue or fight with her, most especially when we’re far away from each other. Actually, ever since I arrived here in Japan which is almost three weeks ago, we fight like there’s no tomorrow already. She’s always doubtful. Not only that, I feel like I have a strict mother because she’ll message me every hour just to ask who I’m with and what I’m doing. This isn’t the Billie that I know. This is the Billie that is paranoid who doesn’t trust me at all.

“For your information Mr. Kwon….my contract with Hyun’s company has been extended….I’ll work under their wings for a year and as far as I can remember….I messaged you about it….I was even calling you to break the good news but as usual…you’re not answering….I was expecting even a congratulatory message from you but what? I received nothing….and now I know why I didn’t receive any…it’s because you don’t even know what I’m talking about….is your phone not receiving any messages from me anymore? Jiyong….you’re missing a lot about me already….and I am…with you as well….it’s heartbreaking because I don’t even know what we are to each other now….can you still remember the last time that we didn’t fight? Ah this one….PLEASE…answer this for me….coz Bunny always asks this….Can you still remember the last time that you said I love you to me?” she asked in rage and I just shut my mouth.

“Ow I know! Maybe the reason why you’re not saying those “three magic words” to me anymore is because you’re already saying it to another girl”

After hearing her last statement, all the nerves in my body snapped. I can’t understand why she’s being like this, she’s always bringing out my past and is using it to make her the good guy, while I’m the bad one.

“Why do you have to bring her up always when we’re talking? Kenken…she’s innocent…she’s not doing anything to you…why do you have to drag her? You know why we’re being like this? It’s because of you! You’re the one who is so paranoid….your mind is giving all this and here you are….entertaining each one of them causing you to lose your mind and here I am….feeling its effects…snap out of it…you’re acting like a jealous bitc…” I stopped myself from talking because I’m about to say something that will surely hurt her and honest to God, I don’t want to hurt her.

“Why did you stop midway? I’m a what?” she asked, the tone of her voice is so high that you can really feel her rage even if you can’t see her.

I sighed heavily “Nothing” I answered.

“No…you’re about to say something…..continue it…I’m a jealous what?” she pushed.

“For heaven’s sake Kenken! DROP IT!” I shouted and I know that another wave of rage is going to start.

“I’m one jealous ….is that what you want to say? Jiyong….if you think that I’m just being paranoid….which I admit I am sometimes….it’s all because I have the right to act like that once in a while…most especially when my boyfriend is acting so weird these days…or shall I say….for these past few weeks…not only that….he’s been caught with that same girl for I don’t know how many times already….and when I ask him what’s going on….he’ll just fire up….you’re always defending her…yes….she hasn’t done anything to me….she’s innocent? I don’t think so…why? Because I’m sure that she’s aware that you’re dating somebody already….you’re friends?…yes…I’m cool with that….but…why do you have to see each other always? Don’t tell me that you just bumped into each other on the streets…that’s possible…but…it only happens once in a blue moon….Gosh!” Billie’s mind is so close right now that I don’t even know how to handle it.

Seriously, this is getting the best of me. As much as I want to swallow all of her accusations, I can’t because I have to defend myself. OK. Maybe I’m the one firing things up for her by always going out with friends and with that girl that she’s jealous of, but as I’ve said, we are friends and it always happens that we’re in one party or event together because we have the same circle of friends here in Japan. She knows this so well.

“Kenken …I think we should just hang up…I mean….we’re not going anywhere with this conversation” I told her.

As much as I hate to leave our issues unresolved, I don’t have a choice because this talk will just bring us to a bigger fight and I don’t want that to happen. First of all, I’m too tired to even fight with her. Secondly, I’m fed up with her doubting and loss of trust to me. Third, I don’t want us to hurt each other more.

Truth is, the reason why I called Billie is to tell her that we’re going back to Korea already. The Japan leg of our tour has ended and we’re given almost a month to rest before we go to another country, but I wasn’t able to tell her the news coz we both let our emotions sip into us.

“Actually…I agree with you…we should just hang up and this off….after all it’s not going to get solved…so…yeah…goodbye” she said then hanged up even before I say a word.

After that, I bawled out. I cry harder these days because my heart is in so much pain. I hate being in this situation with Billie. Not even in a million years have I thought that we’ll be like this. Where does our perfect relationship go? Why did we suddenly give in to the pressure of being miles away from each other? How did we end up this way when we both promised that we’ll hold on? We are even so confident that we’ll pass through this test, but from the way it looks, we’re slowly falling apart.

I’m crying my heart out. My emotions are eating me raw and whole. I’m drowning in a pool of pain and misery.

Minutes passed by with me still breaking into pieces. Good thing I know how to get myself out of it even just for a few hours.

I got out of bed, grabbed my lyric notebook and write a song. I don’t know if this will res