comes to you like whirlwind and you’ll just find yourself in one corner, crying till your eyes pops out of its sockets and regretting whatever it is that you did. I must admit, I wasn’t thinking at all when crap happened for all I know during that time is I’m hurting and my husband is the one causing it. I don’t even know why I said what I said and where those freakin words come from.

Yesterday, things really got the best of me. My whole being suddenly feels so heavy and I end up melting down and it really caused chaos. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I just woke up not feeling life anymore. Crazy things and realizations suddenly entered my mind and they are enough to make me snap.

“What’s up Ugly?” MG asked upon seeing me walking out of my room.

It was a typical day for our family. Mummy is doing Yoga while Drake is watching her and MG is preparing for work.

If you’re wondering why I’m here in our apartment and not in G-dragon’s, it is because I asked my husband to let me stay here for a while till my treatments and conditioning for the transplant is done. After all, he’s so busy rehearsing for his upcoming concert and I’ll just be a distraction to him for I’m a whole lot of work and it’ll just tire him out if he’s going to juggle me and work at the same time. As usual, asking permission from him isn’t easy, but he gave in, in the end.

“How are you feeling?” Mummy asked while doing one of the weirdest yoga poses that I’ve seen.

My brain isn’t working well and my heart is just so heavy. I’m not in the mood to pretend that I’m good because honestly, I’m not. The intensive treatments that I’m getting is starting to get  the out of me for it’s making me feel like a candle who is slowly melting and I’m near to running out and I have a feeling that once my fire dies, I’m gonna be in total ruins.

“Oh my!” I rushed to the bathroom right away and puked the hell out of me.

This is normal for people who are undergoing high dose chemotherapy. Asses like us experience all the that a normal people wouldn’t even want to go through at all.

For almost a month now, I’m trying so hard to endure everything because I want to give back all the good things and the sacrifices that my husband did for me. Going through an excruciating donating process isn’t a minor thing at all for it really took a toll on him but he endured it for me and I’m going to do everything just for his efforts not to go down the drain.

“You’ll have your last chemotherapy today Bill…how do you like that?” Mummy asked with a wide smile on her face.

I rolled my eyes at her then poked the pancakes in front of me like I’m stabbing its life out.

Yes, it is my last day of chemotherapy and I’m glad that it’ll end in a few hours already but it’s still a drag for I know that it’s going to get my strength away from me again and it for I’m so done with the whole process of depending on people just to get by. No one is complaining, but I know and I can see in their eyes that they are somewhat tired of taking care of me already.

Just to get things done, I dragged my tired body to the hospital and endured the pain and the torture of my treatment. My whole body is giving up on me already and I’m only a few inches away in giving up. If not for G-dragon, I wouldn’t even consider a transplant anymore for it’s just a waste of money and time and energy, but because I promised to do everything just to live, I’m holding on and my grip is a bit lose as of the moment but I’m pretty confident that I’ll end this whole thing with a smile on my face because I’ll be out of misery already.

“Billie….we’ll start now” Doctor Kim said and I just gave him a lame nod.

The moment my treatment started, pain embraced my whole being and next thing I know it, I’m crying rivers already for reasons I know not. This is the first time that I ever cried this much while in the middle of a treatment and it’s not only me who is shocked by this, but my doctor and Mummy as well. All they can do is comfort me but it’s not helping at all.

After two grueling hours in the hospital, Mummy and I headed to our apartment right away for I’m too worn out to even talk and move. The security of our building even has to help her carry me to our apartment because walking is hard for me during that time.

I’m feeling really tired and the moment I woke up from my nap, my way of thinking suddenly changed and I’m feeling crappier than I was a while ago.

I head to the bathroom to check on myself and what I saw in the mirror scared the out of me. I was deeply horrified with how I look. My face is nowhere near beautiful. My skin is so dry and full of bruises. Both my arms are swollen because of needle shots. I wonder how G-dragon can last this. Seriously, if I was him, I’d leave myself because I don’t look pleasing at all. I’m one trashed doll who is good to be thrown.

“Ow!” I gasped upon seeing my hair that is slowly growing, falling off again.

I think I’m gonna go bald forever. My life simply .

With my brush in hand, I slide down to the floor and cried my heart out.

I’m so done with this. I hate myself for being sick. I also hate my appearance for I don’t look good at all. How will I even face the people after this? How can my husband show me off when I myself is too damned to even face the mirror? I pity G-dragon for he has to be in hell with me when he doesn’t deserve to be there.

Minutes passed by and I’m still crying like a little kid while curled into a ball on the floor. My whole world suddenly crushed down right in front of my very eyes.

“I want to end this already” I said and next thing I know it, I’m digging in the drawers for something sharp.

Like before, I’m thinking of stupid things once again that I know in the end will bring me so much trouble.

Cutting is one of the most childish way of ending your life and it’s definitely the dumbest way of committing suicide, but this is the only thing that I can think of since I can’t drink an insecticide or inject myself with some high dose drugs.

“OH GOSH! UGLY!” MG is really the most annoying person in the world. Why is it every time I’m about to do something like this, she comes into the picture and stops whatever I’m doing.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asked and tried to snatch the blade away from me.

“MUMMY!” she called and next thing I know it, my mother is dragging me to the living room already.

With a not-so-deep cut on my wrist, Mummy sat me on the long couch and tried everything just for me to have it cleaned but I keep on shoving her hand.

“Why are you doing this? What is up with you Bill?” Mummy asked while looking deep into my eyes.

I just stared at her, motionless.

She shook me “Why are you doing this?” she asked with a drop of anger in her voice.

I still didn’t respond. All I do is stare at her while my tears keep on flowing down my cheeks.

“Bill…what is going on….please….answer me!” my mother begged “Are you in pain? What?” she is so lost.

My eyes darted at her. She was shocked to see it. I can easily tell for she flinched the moment she met my eyes.

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked then stood up from the couch and walked closer to her “I HATE MYSELF….I’M TIRED OF MYSELF…..I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE” I told her with so much anger in my voice.

She looked at me in shock. Tears are pooling in her eyes and it’s such a painful sight for I know that I’m hurting her.

“Bill…why are you being like this? You’re about to get cured….we’re just days before your transplant….you’ll go back to being normal again after that” she said calmly and I faked a laugh.

“Look at me Mummy” I said and she scanned me from head to foot. I can see how horrified she is. No words needed “I’m a total trash! I look like a corpse even before I die and it feels like crap because I cannot even see myself in me anymore…I feel like a different person….yes…I’m used to being ugly and I don’t care about my appearance at all…but if you can just feel what I’m feeling right now….it’s more than the beauty that I’ve lost….it’s the good life that I once had that I’m missing and I’m feeling so bad because I know that no matter how hard I try to bring it back….I can’t anymore for things has changed and I’ve been changed by this sickness…I thought I was good with it….I even thought that things are gonna be much better now since I’m married and my husband is so supportive…not only that…a lot of people are loving me…but it’s not enough” I said then fall back down to the couch while crying hard.

Mummy crouched down in front of me, her tears are flowing down like waterfalls “Bill…don’t say that….you’re still the old Billie….only your appearance has changed but I’m assuring you…you’ll be back in shape in no time” she said.

I smirked “No Mummy…I’m not the Billie that you know anymore…I’m not the girl who lives like it’s my last day in this world already….the fire and the hunger in me isn’t there anymore….I’m no fighter as well for I’m giving up….and I don’t want to be in this world anymore coz I can’t take how cruel it is….I’m done with myself….I’m tired of depending on people and being a burden to them….I’m better off dead” I told her and all my mother can do is stare at me in shock and pain.

After that, things got messier. Mummy is forcing me to go to the hospital to get my cut checked but I refused and suddenly my crazy button was on and next thing I know it, I’ve already exploded and all the emotions that I kept for a long time has unleashed, causing so much noise and chaos inside the apartment.

“I HATE THIS! I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS ANYMORE! JUST LET ME DIE!” I shouted at Mummy when she shoved the blade away from my hand.

“Let me die now….kill me” I slide down to the floor and Mummy immediately hugged me tightly from behind.

I don’t know who called my husband, but he suddenly showed up and my whole being was shaken once again. These are the moments that I wish for him not to rescue me, simply because I don’t want to involve him in my coz he’s got so much things to think about and I don’t want to add up to it. He shouldn’t be here. He should just leave me alone and let me deal with this problem all by myself.

My y side has come out and it’s starting to envelope my whole being. My husband is wooing me calmly and is trying his very best to at least get me back in shape again but my emotions are just too strong.

“Fine! You don’t want to go to the hospital…OK! I will not force you”

This is the first time that he ever said this to me. Usually, he’ll push whatever he wants and will do everything just to make me follow and listen to him but it seems like the wind blew the other way and it changed the way he treats things.

“Kenken….it’s not only you who is tir