Hi, Jonghyun, are you doing well? I can’t believe it’s been 2 years already since you passed. Since then, I actually don’t think I’ve properly moved on. I never got to finish the portrait I made of you. I’m sorry.

I’m not a very active fan of SHINee, I occasionally listen to some of your songs, but when you left, it really affected me too. I didn’t know you but I cried for weeks. I don’t know how to properly describe it. I just...I just understood so much why you did it.

I suddenly had the thought, “Would that be me too one day?” while I was mourning. At that time, 2017, was the beginning of my decline in my mental health. I was struggling with my own thoughts, my own mind became my enemy. I was so passionate of being an animator. I always loved being an artist, but since these 2 years, I felt like I’ve already lived my life enough when I just recently reached 21. Death was always a constant concept in my mind that I wanted to be in, but never had the guts to actually do it because i’m a ing coward. Though I’m scared that someday I would. I’m scared of my own future because my health isn’t improving. It’s probably getting even worse. Just this morning, I was struggling with having to ignore my doubts again.

Going through all this, I don’t blame Jonghyun for wanting to leave this place, to want to leave his difficult life. I understand what it feels like to be smiling around people close to us but never really feeling happy because there’s so much self-hate in you. I always feel like i’m never good enough for people and that i’m not really important to them. People only need me when they want to use me. After I’ve done what they needed, I’m set aside and forgotten. I always wondered how my “death” would affect people. What if I finally grew tired of this pathetic life? How would they feel? They would probably just mourn for a day and move on the next because I never really made an impact on anyone’s life.

I’m not someone like you. I can only dream of being an inspiration to people. You were an angel with a voice that pierces the soul. You wrote songs that helped people cope. But what about you? Did you ever find healing in your own songs? I still feel sorry that you had to go through such a difficult life. I feel sorry that you felt like you had no one. I wish I could have helped you or at least by any one of your fans or friends.

I feel like I don’t even deserve to mourn your death because i’m practically no one. I feel like i’m intruding. I’m just someone who just sympathizes so much. Other people have it worse and have an actual connection with you. But I still want to thank you for the songs you’ve made. “Lonely” made me feel like you were talking to me and I always cry listening to that song.

Though since your death, Jonghyun, nothing pretty much changed. I still feel lonely. No one’s going to miss me when i’m gone. Your songs and other kpop groups are just helping me prolong my life.

Speaking of others, Sulli is also there with you. I really hope both of you found the peace you’ve been seeking. I kind of feel jealous. I want to find peace as well.

I’m sure you must be watching everyone. Are you proud of them? They’re doing really well and they’re probably going to visit you today soon.

I never managed to got to say it I think at the time of your death, but you did really well, Jonghyun. Please rest well. After all the hard work you did, you’re finally resting. No one blames you for leaving, at least I don’t.

Thank you for everything.