The SHINeest Star
December 19th, 2017... A date that I'll remember forever. It's only been a day since you left the earth and descended to the heavens, but it feels like forever already.

Why do I feel guilty? I knew you since I was in 6th grade and now I'm in my second year in high school in Canada. But you never knew me. SHINee was the group that introduced me to Kpop. To be honest, I was Taemin biased, but that doesn't mean I admired you any less than him. Heck, you were the reason I discovered my passion for writing and music. You eventually became a prominent biaswrecker. But that's okay.

When you smiled, I smiled.
When you laughed, I laughed.
When you cried, I cried.
When you died... A part of me went with you.

I thought SHINee would be one of those groups who would still be part of my life when I grew up to be an adult. But that's not just going happen now. I don't blame you. I can't. I can't help but to blame myself. I knew the symptoms and I lived with them, but your voice and songs were always there to comfort me.

I thought that you would live to see the day of your significant other and blessing your fans with the news that you were getting engaged. To tell us that you were expecting a child that you were going to teach that, that it was okay to show and feel emotions. Then I could see how the other SHINee members would've been like as uncles. Ones would be shy and scared of child. Key would self-appointed himself as the favourite uncle. Minho would've dropped everything to babysit your child. Taemin would just try to get back down to a baby level to communicate with him. However, that image that I drew won't ever happen.

I don't want to lie and say that I wholeheartedly dedicated to SHINee. To be honest, I left the SHINee World for awhile to see what else was out there. I only came back a year before... This all happened. Maybe if I came back earlier and cheered as loud as I used to maybe you would've still been here. I can't reset time, but I wish God would work in my favour this one time.

I wanted to see so much more of you. I wanted to see you win Producer of the Year. Reunite with Yoogeun once more. Be fully and rightfully acknowledged as the amazing and influential artist that you are. But now... none of those are a possibility.

I don't hate you. I can't help but to not hate you. Because I knew how you felt, yet I couldn't see the symptoms. When I look back I could see the pain in your eyes and hear the little cry of help you needed. Why am I so late?

I don't want to be selfish to beg for you to come back to us because you are in more of a better place than here.

Your last words for us was, "I'm praying that you're not hurting." But I can't help, but just feel pain. I don't want to forget all the beautiful memories that you gave me. When I was sad I listened to your ballads. When I wanted a good laugh I watched some of your funniest moments. When I heard your voice, I closed my eyes and felt a sense of warmth surrounded me as if I was being told that it was okay to cry for that moment. Kim Jonghyun, made me feel all of that.

I don't want your legacy to be forgotten or unheard of. That's why I showed your works to my classmates and all of them gave positive comments.

"He's talented."
"I wish I knew about him before he died."

This gave me hope that even if you're not here anymore that your name and legacy will be heard of and remembered.

I remember you by changing my homescreen and lockscreen as a reminder that you were someone important to me and someone whom I shouldn't forget.

I'm just rambling on aren't I? I'll just end it here with what you meant to me.

What the name Kim Jonghyun meant to me is someone who did not just blessed us with his beautiful voice and presence, but also had the voice to give strength to the people who are pushed aside. Who gave me strength to be happy.

Even if I didn't see you in person, I can see you being the SHINeest star giving us light in the dark. The SHINeest Sun that gave beamed on us giving warmth.

Goodbye, Kim Jonghyun.

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