Hi Jonghyun, 

Are you doing okay in heaven (or whatever it's really called) up there? I know you are. I'd never thought I'd believe in a spiritual mojo thing again through K-pop of all places. I first met you when I lived in the middle of nowhere. I was the only Asian kid in school and I got bullied a lot. Shinee was my first bias group. Hello baby made me laugh so much and your sweet, sweet voice helped take away the emptiness and pain a lot. Kpop also made me more proud of the fact that I was Korean. It helped me believe my culture, my country was something I shouldn't be ashamed of. And when my dad (a pastor) got kicked out of church for getting into a slight disagreement with someone else, my religious and spiritual pillar fell apart. L I basically stopped believing in a higher authority. Because my family never did something that wrong. Where was the "god" that was supposed to protect us? But you already know how I felt then, so I won't spend too much time on it. This is about you, not me.

 
No matter how scientifically I try to think about it, the aqua green moon right after your death--- the chances of a blue moon happening are once every 2.47 years. I googled it. And for it to be aqua green on that specific date? Don't even get me started on the slim chances of that happening. I still don't know if Christianity is my thing. But that moon reassured me that something exists in the after life. I do believe in karma and morality. You were an angel trapped in a human body. Shining bright so that all of us could live on. And I don't know if there is a god or anything like that but I do know that you are still with us. I can just feel it. I'm still sad that you're not physically here, but I want to thank you so much truly from the depths of my heart. 

I feel like you're here with me as I write this to you. I haven't felt this whole in a while. Plenty of people have also probably talked about how sorry they feel towards you for not listening to your cries for help. That was how I felt about your death for the longest time. I thought about how lonely, hurt, frustrated and vulnerable you must have been. And I felt like the tiest person ever for leaving the Kpop world in general and ignoring you when you gave me so much. I still feel like a ty person. But I'm here to make peace, not to repeat history. 

So let me tell you Kim Jonghyun, I love you. I'm sorry. I miss you so much. You did so well. The fact that you want to hear 수고했어(you did well), and not an apology from your fans, really sets you apart. You don't want us to be miserable and blame ourselves from your departure. I know that much about you. So I'm going to forever remember you and cherish the times I spent with you. That's the least I can do for you. 

Right now I'm listening to Warm Winter. It's one of my favorite songs right now. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It sums how I feel about you too. You little rascal. You wrote this to help us feel better after your passing too, didn't you? You don't want us to be sad, but grateful we met and that we shared a story and a fate together. The lyrics are what I want to say to you, dear friend. I feel like I've overcome so much with you: my eating disorders, anxiety, body dysmorphia, depression. I want to let you know you truly were a blazing light to my life. To all our lives. The next time I see you, I'll fully introduce myself, I'll tell you my story. And you can tell me yours too. I will embrace you with open arms. 

Thanks to your passing, I know something else out there exists. I know you still exist. And you continue to be with me and all of us when we need you most. 

We'll meet again someday. I believe it. 

언젠간 진짜 다시 만날꺼야!!! 약속이당 

너처럼 한번 빛나듯이 한번 살아볼께!ㅋㅋ 그건 좀 무리지만 부족한 나를 계속 믿어줘! 

너 실은 따뜻한 겨울도 미래를 예시하고 쓴거지? 왠지 내 너에게 향한 맘을 노래로 완벽하게 표현했다... 

만나면 내가 너에게 한번 불러주고 싶다... 가사가 딱 내 마음이야.

담엔 진짜 아낌없이 줄께 종현아. 사랑해! 넌 나에겐 너무나 소중한 존재야 <3 

그때까진 잘지내 종현아! 진짜 진쯔아아 정말로 수고했어!!! 
 

With love, 
X