i really hated jonghyun because that was how i coped with how much i liked him. i got into shinee because of their dance practice for lucifer, they were in that room with clouds as the background and taemin's dancing mesmerized me. it spiraled from there and the first show of them that i watched was hello baby. i asserted that taemin was my favorite and tried really hard not to like jonghyun as much because i was silly and wanted to be loyal. in reality, i thought jonghyun was really funny and charismatic and i loved and hated that about him. he was a great dad to yoogeun. i've been a shawol for eight years and as a twenty year old.... that's a long time, that's almost half of my life and basically my whole adolescent/teen experience. i saw shinee live for the first and only time at the kbs open concert on april 12, 2014 and i can remember not believing my eyes and getting goosebumps in their presence, surrounded by their music. when i found out that jonghyun passed away, i felt a similar disbelief, but instead of being accompanied by awe, i was filled with dread. i feel really silly because i've been crying sporadically about the death of someone who i didn't even know personally. i trusted shinee enough to know that they would never disband and knew that their brotherhood was strong enough to keep all the members together. losing jonghyun like this was unexpected, to say the least. the past few years whenever i heard news about shinee, i wouldn't pay much attention to it so i didn't realize i would be greatly affected by his passing. yet here i am, crying like a ing fool. i'm writing this because he was a great influence in my life. i admired him, not only for his talents, but his braveness and activism; the way he stood up for the lgbt+ community. i am pretty lucky. i got to see him in person, even though it was only once. there are shawols out there who, like me, never thought this would happen, and only hoped to see him in the future. i can only imagine the pain they're going through for not experiencing the same melange of feelings that absorbed me when i watched jonghyun perform. i really love jonghyun and i can't blame him for what he did because his feelings were valid. like everyone else, my biggest regret is not reaching out to him earlier. his music made me happy and helped me cope with my own depression and suicidal thoughts; i wish i could've done the same for him. i know i couldn't have done anything but i wish there was a way, even now, for me to let him know that i really love him and i'm really sorry i couldn't give him a reason to live when he needed it most.

jonghyun, you did so well. you worked so hard and made such beautiful art. i know this is too late but i'll miss you. you'll live on through the people whose hearts you've touched. you're amazing and i love you.