Hey Shawols and others....

I'm not sure how to start this, but I'm a freshman and a hardcore ONCE of Twice. I'm a 15 year old girl who seems to have been going through some stuff ever since my dad died. I never really listened to Shinee but I know the members. I listened to some of their songs when I was really little and just discovered KPOP. I liked their song "Hello" "Lucifer" and "View" the most. The first song I ever heard by Jonghyun was 'She is'. I LOVED it. I searched him up and listened to his other songs. I also of course listened to his new songs released after his death. They were all beautiful and before I know it, I was crying at his beautiful voice which could not be heard anymore. Rest in peace, Jonghyun.

Getting into how I felt when I found out his death, I was on the way to school. I scrolled through my social media while my mom drove me. I opened up my facebook and the first thing I saw was an article saying Shinee's Jonghyun has committed suicide. My heart felt heavy and just writing this makes my heart feel heavy. I looked over at my mom and basically shouted "NO WAY!" like three times. She looked at me weirdly and asked me what was wrong. I told her, but my mom doesn't know what KPOP is, so I just said a famous korean singer committed suicide. I reread the article title just in case I read it wrong. I wasn't wrong. I got to school and kept sighing the whole way to class. I had gym for the first class and while I was putting on my gym clothes, I felt like crying. My heart still felt heavy. I had no friends who were into KPOP or even know what it was, so I had a hard time keeping it to myself the whole day. I would put on a fake smile when I was talking to my friend and I knew it was fake because it somehow hurts me to smile at that moment. I didn't want to smile. Like I said, I wasn't a big fan of Shinee, but it was related to KPOP so it hit me pretty hard. It got me thinking that maybe all idols go through this and it's only a matter of time before someone else takes their own life to escape from everything. The thought of a Twice member taking their own life was too hard to imagine and I knew that a Shawol must've felt that way too probably worse now. Losing your biggest inspiration will forever leave a scar. I consider Twice as one of my reasons to live. Without them, I don't think my days will be filled with rainbows anymore, but I know that they work hard and are tired like any human would. I don't want to put too much pressure on them. Even on Twice videos, I would see 'RIP Jonghyun'. I see it everywhere on that day he died and started crying. I cried because I felt him. I feel the way he probably does. Although I never attempted to hurt myself, I still had thoughts of it and after reading some of other people's messages/letters on here, I wouldn't let it get to me. The satisfaction that pain brings is something I wondered about. It brings relief. I remember just a few weeks ago, I was stressed out about a class that I actually wanted to kill myself so badly, but I was too scared. I never had the courage to do anything and that is something I hate about myself. I sent a text to my group chat about me stressing over classes. My group chat friends are my best friends and we joke around a lot and tell each other things as well. After I sent my text, one of my friend sent one back with an alien emoji. I continued to rant about my class and eventually I let my words slip after my friend joked that she wanted to die. I asked her why, but she didn't respond so I said that I also wanted to die too. Things got dark from there. I started talking nonsense like 'I've always wondered how pain feels like.' to 'It's been awhile since I had a paper cut.' My friend asked me what's wrong and said "This is not you." She's wrong. That was me. The real, depressed and stressed out me. In that group chat, I had other friend who had attempted to cut herself before and I always wanted to ask her where her cuts are and how does it feel. Does it hurt? Does it make you feel better? There were times where I wanted to take a sip of beer or alcohol in general, but I held back because I didn't want to kill my brain cells, but really I think it was because I was thinking too much that I wanted to do drugs to stop myself from stressing myself out. I know it's not right to do any of this but I need an escape. Nowadays, my escape is drawing and listening to KPOP. No matter how much I wanted to die, I knew it would only bring sadness to my family and friends. My mom already lost a loving husband. I'm sure losing a daughter will make her lose herself. Plus, I'm really the only one who helps my mom with everything from cleaning the house to paper related things. Now that my mom remarried for almost 4 years now, I felt even more lonelier. I don't dislike my step dad, but he's not the best either. It's just that he sees things from a different perspective and judges a bit too much which triggers me since I consider myself as an understanding person. I learned the hard way and know that people out there have it harder than I do. He has some things I can't understand, but everyone has their stories.

There would be times where I would cry myself to sleep or just put on some music to relax my mind then I just start crying out of nowhere. I miss my dad and still do, after six years. I miss the memories and the past. I did a lot of things I regret as a kid and that's also another reason my heart feels so heavy. I regret a lot. I feel shameful of my past yet I still miss it, probably because I miss my dad too much that I would go back to those times just to see him smile, laugh and joke around like he use to. I have many questions in my life and I want answer. I feel so lost without someone leading me.

Reasons I live: Family and friends, Twice and KPOP in general. Twice is my biggest motivation and inspiration, so I would understand how Shawols feel. Two months since Jonghyun's death and we still write messages/letters to him. Real fans. I will try to remember to write on here every 18th of the month and possibly help those who are suffering through severe depression. If you are, you know my story and if you want to rant about something, I'm always free...most of the time. I can tell you more about my story as well if you'd like just so we can connect with each other. Although I have thoughts of it as well, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THINGS TO AN EXTREME EXTEND TO HURT YOURSELF OR IF YOU ALREADY DO, PLEASE DON'T DO IT ANYMORE. KEEP THAT BEAUTIFUL BODY OF YOURS FOR YOUR OPPA/HYUNG OR UNNIE/NOONA TO SEE. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT. CRY IT OUT, RELAX, TAKE A WALK, DO YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY, OR YOU CAN TALK TO SOMEONE...ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ON THE FOREWORD SECTION. My life is not complete without meeting all the Twice members and have physical interactions! YOU'RE NOT DONE WITH LIFE EITHER! IF WE'RE ALL HERE THEN MIND AS WELL GO THROUGH WITH IT. WE HAVE EACH OTHER <3 

- Nancyxxx