A Lot Like You

Dear Jonghyun,
My dear sweet lark,

We never met, but I honestly miss you, love you, and care about you. I’m filled with deep regret that this letter will never reach you. You are so strong and kind; you lived these past ten years in possible pain and struggle, but you still smiled. You lived for us and there are no words for the generosity you have gifted the world. So I and so many will cry for you, to show the world how you suffered and couldn’t cry. Thank you for your courage, kindness, and wonderful music. You’ve touched my heart, along with many others. You know, my favorite song was Lonely. It was beautiful and melodic, a lot like you. Thank you, brother.

Witnessing the precession for your memorial, It has become a reality that you are gone forever and I am ashamed I could not be there as I live so many miles away. I also now know that you suffered and struggled to love yourself. I understand, brother, I really do. I could and would never judge you for the choice you made. You deserved peace and happiness, to relax without any more worries. I hope in your last moments you knew that the world loved you, that while we’ll miss you, we’ll celebrate your life and legacy. I also hope you could somehow know that I’m proud of you for in the end doing something for yourself because after all, you deserved the best. You’ve worked hard, so incredibly hard. Jonghyun, I really miss you. Good night and sleep tight, my hard working nightingale.

Oh, I want to say thank you for another thing, Jonghyun. Brother, you unconsciously helped me struggle along with you in this thing called life. Your music and smiles were enough to make me anticipate what you might create for tomorrow. But now that I’m 21 years old, I’ve already realized and admitted to myself the truth just as I’m sure you must have done tok . I’ve never ever felt that I’ve lived for myself, only for others who could never understand my pain. Our personalities are sensitive and weak, like a fresh burn. Always scared of the people saying you can’t die and that it’s the cowards way. Always scared of being judged, not feeling good enough, being coerced along societies standards, I understand why you decided to end it all. I know all too well. So yeah, I guess it’s our fault... huh, brother?

However, referring to the very beginning of my letter. I think I should bring up that a small part of me wished we did know each other. I wouldn’t want to be your savior because I know I couldn’t be. We are too similar and would probably drag each other down. With the same or alike struggles with ourselves; the detest we felt about ourselves, I think we could least find some comfort. So I wish I had met you, been friends with you, so that I may have I been with you as you decided to end your life. So I could selfishly hold your hand and end my own life too. To know you and I wouldn’t be alone in our last moments, it sounds really nice you know? Because I’m just too afraid to end it all alone. Why didn’t you take me with you, brother?

Now I really don’t know when I’ll take my own life, as my struggles are eating me alive. I’m living everyday beating myself up over being so stupid and weak. I’m adopted, a sign already telling me that for some reason I wasn’t really wanted. My parents never had biological children, so it all ends with me and my sister. It’s ironic, how confident I feel that I wasn’t meant to be in this world. But the world isn’t wrong, it’s me and my dumb broken mind. My soul has no fire. Which leads me to believe that perhaps someday soon, I’ll see you in heaven. So until that time comes when we can meet for the first time and maybe even sing together, goodbye, brother Jonghyun. I love you so much.

Sincerely, a loyal and struggling fan...

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Redofthedawn #1 Aug 7, 2023 07:53:21

I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.

luv_kero ^{2442 streak} #2 Dec 18, 2022 09:15:11

Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3

Viola_Ella #3 Dec 18, 2022 03:56:50

Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.

Evelyn_64 #4 Dec 18, 2022 00:55:41

It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.

Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.

OdetteSwan ^{928 streak} #5 Dec 18, 2022 00:11:36

I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.

OdetteSwan ^{928 streak} #6 Dec 18, 2021 15:31:45

Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.

Redofthedawn #7 Dec 18, 2021 15:23:33

Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️

lovelyfeisty #8 Dec 18, 2021 05:29:15

It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.

wonpokemon #9 Dec 17, 2021 22:21:02

i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.

aseulmonsta #10 Jul 21, 2021 15:41:11

❤️