Acting As If I am Okay
A FarewellLosing someone to suicide hurts so much more. It's been nearly a day since his death and I'm still bawling my eyes out over it. The day has consisted of me sleeping, waking up and crying. Each time I woke up, I would hope that it's just a really horrible dream but as I scroll through the net, all I see is him and how true everything is. I'm forced to go about my day, acting as if I'm okay because people around me seem to think that because I don't know him personally, I have no right to grief over his death. I miss him, so so much. Jonghyun ah, I see you everywhere. All I do is think of you. I hear about you everywhere. I'm sorry we were too late to save you. I was supposed to be in your spot 3 months ago but here you are replacing me. I'm sorry the demons won. I'm just so sorry thing didn't turn out well. I wish I could see you one last time, I wish I had that chance. You are one of the reasons I fought so hard to live, one of the reasons I stayed. But there you are on the other side. But it's okay. If that's the only way you'll be at peace with yourself, I understand. But I won't let the same happen to me, I promise. I'll fight my demons for you and I'll win the battle. You mean the world to me and I wish I told you that often. Yet I kept my love to myself but I'll change that from now on. Rest in peace, my King. I will always, always love you. For you, I live and for life, it's you.
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