I woke this morning not wanting to get out of bed today for school. I was honestly woken up by my phone still playing YouTube videos that I was watching last night before bed. I'm currently listening to you. Your new album. I bet if you were still here, you'd be so proud of it. You'd be on music shows, performing your masterpieces and winning the trophies you deserve. I think of you a lot. I know it's kind of late now, and it's kind of horrible for me to suddenly support you after all the stuff I said about you, but I guess I learned to never judge a person by the way they act around others, and notice how they act when they're alone. You were suffering, and no one seemed to notice.
I'd like to apologize for judging you and saying things I now regret saying. I never said them towards you, but I would say them to myself. I don't know if I feel like this out of guilt, but I really hope you accept my apology, even if I'm too late.. Although I didn't know you personally, I saw you once for about 10 minutes at a kpop concert in LA. I feel honored to be able to say that I saw you live. I saw you breathing with your members. At least I have that memory of you. For some reason, I feel like I have a type of connection with you. I feel like you're by my side every minute of the day, and it's very calming. I've told you my story when I sat on my bed, crying when I finally realized that you were gone. You know I suffer everyday. I've wanted to be where you are now for the longest time, wondering what it would be like to finally be at peace. My thoughts would suddenly be silenced, and I can finally have a goodnight sleep after so many years. I'm sorry for taking so long to finally write this. I looked at this tribute everyday, and sat wondering what I should tell you. Am I even worthy to talk to you? But here I am now.
In 2009, my friend had showed me some music I thought was completely crazy, but suddenly fell in love with. SHINee was the first group I fell in love with, and had introduced me to this amazing music genre. Thank you for letting me love and support your group. After you went solo, I watched you perform and I hated how you looked so cocky, thinking you were better than everyone else. But those were my thoughts. You were a performer, you had to act a certain way, and I judged you for that.
When I found out you were gone, I laughed. Not in a bad way, but in disbelief. I didn't believe it. And even when it was confirmed, I wasn't effected by it. On the second day, I saw videos of people crying at tributes that they had made for you, and everything suddenly starting engulfing me in. Knowing that I can't handle the way I suffer, I can't even imagine the pain you felt. My dearest love, I am so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry that you suffered for so long. I'm sorry that you had to go through everything alone. I'm sorry that you had to go. I'm sorry that no one was there to hug you and tell you that they loved you at that moment. I know that that's what you needed. And trust me I would have had given it to you.
I want you to know that you worked so hard and well. I'm proud of you. You will never be forgotten, and all of your hard work will forever be remembered. Thank you for supporting those who were shunned for being different. Supporting those who weren't supported because of beliefs and traditions. Thank you for understanding how it feels to hurt, and I'm sorry that you hurt too much. I hope you know that I talk to you everyday, and I let you know how I feel. How my day went. What I want to do in the future, and I know that you're supporting me. You're giving me the strength that I need, so thank you for that. I hope you finally found the peace you've been longing for, and I hope to see you soon, Sweet Prince. Rest easy, and please don't let go of my hand throughout my journey. When I finally get over my depression and anxiety, I want you to be there, and I want you to give me a hug and tell me that you're proud of me, because I know I won't receive it from anyone else.
I love you, and I miss you everyday.
- a former, but always supporting Shawol.