The thing is, it is harder than I could have ever imagined. I have a lot of weak moments these days, I have always been "the strong one" in all the relationships, be it romantic, with friends or simply with my family. But these days I am struggling, I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me. To not make them feel uncomfortable. But truth is that I am not alright. I used to take all my strengh from loving SHINee, and this may sound obsessive, but they were the ones that brought me up when I felt bad. they managed every single time.
But now, whenever I am looking for strengh in SHINee I feel like I should be the one giving it and not taking it. If even I feel like that how would the other 4 feel? Who am I for looking for support in them? For at least once I should be giving it back.
The reason why I decided to write this new letter weren't the handwritten letters of the members, it wasn't Lee Hi's tribute to Jonghyun at the golden disk awards. It was because one of my friends texted me today, he told me he saw Kibum at the trainstation, here in my country. He told me that he was there with a friend, apparently he just said "Hi, I am a big fan of your music" and then walked away again to not disturb him. I don't know why this small thing brought up so many feelings. But when I knew that he was here, I imagined the pain he went through. I imagine him leaving Korea to take a break of everything, to take time to heal. It made me so sad to know that he had to go to the other side of the world to be alone. And now that he is so close I wish I could do something, anything for him to just make him heal, give him the strengh they always gave me. But I cannot do anything except for sitting here, and writing this message. Because I know that he isn't here to get support from his fans, he is here to get away, he is here to find some peace, a place where people don't recognise him.
Having him in a reachable distance but not being able to help is the worst thing. I just want to hug Kibum and cry with him. But I know that this is impossible. I would never go look for him, I would not talk to him if I saw him on the street. I want him to find peace. And I know I can't be part of that.
So I really hope that Kibum, Minho, Jinki and Taemin find the comfort they need. Because I know Jonghyun has already found it.