I Didn't See You
A FarewellJonghyun,
I didn't realize you were hurting. I didn't look into your eyes and see the way you felt. I guess you could say I looked at you but I didn't see you. I just saw the image you portrayed. You weren't happy and I was too blind to see, to blind to know.
If I had known, if I had reached out... but I'm just a kid from the middle of nowhere. Would my voice have reached you? You weren't alone, Jonghyun, you are never alone and that's what I wish I could have said before you went home. You weren't, there was never a time when you were alone but I didn't extend a metaphorical hand to you and now I feel this crushing guilt.
I wanted to scream and cry yesterday, Jonghyun. When I first heard the news I wanted to break down but the tears wouldn't come out and I felt like I wasn't even human. Why couldn't I cry? Why was I the only one who wasn't posting that there were tears streaming down my cheeks? Why was I the only one who wasn't sobbing? I felt so horrible. I have loved you for longer than I would admit to anyone else, I was eleven or twelve when I found you for the first time, and you were one of the best influences in my life. For a terrifying moment bad memories called to me and invited me to make more.
But I your music, my favorite songs. Dress Up, Moon, Inspiration. I turned those on and I danced until the bad memories were gone and my legs wouldn't hold me up anymore. It helped me come to terms with that you were gone. There would be no new songs from you to wreck my list of favorite songs. There would be no more.
Even so it was hours until I was actually able to cry. And when I cried, I cried until there was nothing left. I let it all pour out. Anger at myself for never realizing you were hurt, sorrow that you left. I miss you, Jonghyun, but I know you're in a better place now, watching over SHINee and your family. This message comes far too late, but I miss you, Jonghyun.
I believe that we'll meet in the next life.
Rest in peace, Jonghyun.
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