I don’t know anymore what makes me sad every time I see or hear about Jonghyun in social media, I’m sad because I won’t see him in the future anymore, or I’m sad because depression got him, or I’m sad because a lot of his friends which also my idols and shinee are in deep sadness because he left, or maybe I’m sad because he reminds me how scared I’m living meaninglessly. Something about him makes me really sad, the kind of sadness that makes you feel upset and just want to be in bed for a whole day thinking about life.
Since the day I read the news about his suicide on 18 december 2017, I keep questioning why am I crying for someone I haven’t met, someone who I barely know, he’s not my bias, I don’t even call myself a shawol. I only know that his name is Kim Jonghyun, he’s one of the best vocalist in sm, and he is part of shinee, but he was also there in my early stage in kpop, when I was 12 years old and listening to ring ding dong. I realize that he was part of my youth day, so he is like an old friend that I’m not close to but I know that he existed.
Day one, 18 dec 2017 I’ve cried that night, I was so shocked that I kept on refreshing my ig discover hoping for good news. I was really hoping that he was a different jonghyun, not jonghyun from shinee, I know that’s cruel but, I also didn’t know what I was thinking at that moment. I read that he’s still alive in hospital, and we better keep praying, but something makes me so pessimistic. I actually messaged Jonghyun by instagram, I wrote what I felt, and little hoping that he will open it sometimes and reply me back that he is okay and thank me for concerning for him. But I felt that that was the end, we have to let him go, we have to accept the reality, and then the news that he couldn’t be saved came out. I cried harder and I prayed that night, till at midnight my friend start to chat me telling me about the news.
Day 2 was the hardest, news came out about shinee’s member condition and other idols such as yeri and taeyeon. Knowing that they are sad made me really really sad, I feel like crying with them. I’m in bed all day and somehow I caught a flu and I’m officially sick.
The funeral day is the day I avoided my phone, I don’t wanna see, I don’t remember how I get the news that shinee’s member will hold the coffin, and I immediately open my social media. It is so heartbreaking thinking what if I’m in their shoes, holding my bff coffin and physically seeing him for the last time. Omg I feel like I’m going to cry again right now.
I kept on updating till day 5, and still crying sometimes. Two days later I’m perfectly fine, I read, see, and listen about jonghyun without crying but still a little bit sad of course.
But in Gda day 1 when iu’s speech is mentioning jonghyun, and yeri is crying I suddenly feel like I remember the sadness in day 2, oh not again, but yes I’m crying again. Add up to GDA day 2 when lee hi is singing breath and crying on stage, I feel so sad. At the end of the song when hayi sing the last line of the lyrics is my cue to cry. I don’t know when this sadness will pass, today I watched lee hi sing breath again and I suddenly wanted to write this. I think I have to let this out so I came here.
I still don’t understand this feeling, maybe because I’m still young that I haven’t experience someone close pass away. But something about Jonghyun passing away is so sad but beautiful at the same time, I’m sorry I said beautiful. But knowing that a lot of people is actually loving him and crying for him is so beautiful to me, even someone like me who is not a fan and I know I’m not the only one, he is somehow in everyone’s life and a lot of people actually realize that some part of them is gone with jonghyun. Some part of me is gone with him, and I let it go beautifully.
For people in here thank you for crying over him, thank you for you love. Thank you for making this so beautiful. Jonghyun soul is beautiful and now he is in peace. I love you