It's been a year already, a painfully long and depressing year for me, actually.

I remember that day clearly; like just any other normal day, I came home from school and it was around 2pm when I saw on Instagram that one of my friends posted a picture of you, within the text ' Rest in peace angel. ' I was so confused the first few minutes until I started digging, trying to find out what the hell happened.

I asked my friend about it and she said that you committed suicide. I at first started laughing, thinking that all this may be just a sick rumor somebody started out of fun. Then, when I stopped laughing, I felt everything collapsing; my room didn't felt warm as it was just few minutes ago.

My heart stopped in my chest as I numbly scrolled through my phone, seeing posts that confirmed everything and I was getting more and more scared as seconds passed.

When I finally closed eyes, after few frightening minutes and tense silence that hung in my head and around me, I started crying as my whole body was shaking. Ugly sobs were getting out of my mouth as I stared at your picture on my phone. I felt out of place, so lost and alone, like I was against the whole world, just because somebody I didn't know isn't on this world anymore.

I was crying for two hours straight, I found out on Twitter that they got you into the hospital after they found you, Jonghyun; so I tried to calm down and tell myself that everything is alright and that you're gonna be alright. There was a dark voice at the back of my head telling me that you won't survive and that it'll just get me more crushed.

I guess that the voice was right, after all.

I continued my crying session as I saw that you couldn't be saved, Jjong. I cried even more when I saw how many people also were sad over this and how some of them took their lives because of this.

Too scared to say anything to my parents or come to them with puffy and red eyes, I cried in my room, barely breathing from all the crying. Then, my mom called me and I had to go to the bathroom and refresh myself for a bit; then, I came to my parents and we laughed, smiled, talked about everything and anything. Like my heart didn't break in million pieces already that day, like I didn't lose a person that helped me and understood me through rough times, when I knew that my parents wouldn't and couldn't.

Even if they noticed my pale face, reddish lips, puffy and red eyes from crying and the empty look, my parents hadn't said anything which I am glad for. If they knew why I cried, they would probably lecture me like no tomorrow and I'll just get one of those talks ' why you shouldn't cry because of famous people ' and ' why is depression bad '. And they would’ve probably just laughed at me.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't cry anymore and my head hurt so badly, and I felt mentally tired again, but I hid it with a smile. I always do, and even after those four years fighting with depression, I am still way too scared to say anything to my parents knowing what they could do to me, especially my dad, after calling me useless multiple times and telling me things that I don't want to remember.

Next day after your death, I just wanted my, now ex, best friend to understand back then, that I wasn't in mood for anything and that I'll probably cry at school. She almost laughed at me when I told her about you and what happened. It only worsened my mood and everything was too much. I just wanted to be in my bed and cry forever.

Anyways, I said that she is my ex best friend now, and that's true. I snapped a month ago and said that I can't do this anymore, I didn't tell her for months how depressed I was and that I just wanted the ground to swallow me; I hid everything with a smile telling her that I am getting better.

At the beginning with me talking about my depression, she understood, but after few weeks, she became a complete . It's better if I stop here, because I could write a book about everything she did to me.

I told her once that I wanted to end it all, because everything hurt and I was tired. She didn't even look at me when she said that she'll miss me.

That's probably the only positive thing I did for myself this year. And you really inspired me to free myself from her, Jonghyun. You also inspired me to start writing poems, songs and stories.

I was so scared, you know, after SHINee's new album came out. I couldn't bring myself to listen to it, without thinking about you and remembering you.

I am probably at my worst this year at school. I know that I can do better, yet I can't. My concentration is sometimes terrible, and my head starts spinning when I read the first two paragraphs of something that I have to learn.

Jonghyun, my big fluffball, I hope that you're resting well, along with others who went with you. Even with my terrible mood swings, terrible care that I take of myself, I hope that you're watching me and other Shawols and cheering for us with that bright smile of yours. I also hope that you're proud of SHINee, even after everything, they're still trying to be strong for all of us, without a break. If I had to be honest with myself, I miss your laugh and everything about you. Your bright personality and your voice. But, I also wanted to thank you for everything you did for us in the 27 years of your life, for all the songs you spent nights on writing, making, producing, practicing. Thank you for giving us strength to push forward, even when we all were helplessly and hopelessly drowning. Thank you for making me and many others smile even in the worst situations. I am sorry that none of us noticed; you deserved someone who would tell you that it'll get better as time passes, that you did amazing and that you have to slow down a little.

I am not at my best right now, and I am too scared to tell anybody, especially my parents. Knowing them, it would be just another excuse why they need to think of me as of a disappointment.

Yet even on my darkest days, as I said, you give me strength to push forward, even if it's a bit. Thank you for being my inspiration and hope. I know that I can't help everyone, but I want to try to help a few friends of mine. Even with everything that is happening to me, I am at my worst when I know that they suffer. Even if it's a little message, I still want to help them like you helped me, even if it was a song on YouTube or just you as Jonghyun; they also suffer from everything that happened to you, but I see that they're happier and it's easier for them to breathe when somebody says your name. And I'm glad that they're able to move on.

Again, thank you for everything Jonghyun.

Rest well and in peace.

You won't be forgotten; as I said, we're proud of you that words can't describe it and we all share endless love for you.

Shine on us brightly, alright? Just like you did when you were here.

You did amazing, Kim Jonghyun. I love you.

P.S. I also had a dream with you in it, Jjong. It was nighttime on the day of your... death... and I was getting ready to go to the bed. It felt like I was laying in bed for hours, mind full of everything and yet of nothing, as I begun drifting off.

Dream started with me being in a big, white room. There weren't any windows, doors, nothing; then, a white light appeared. I heard the sound of my alarm somewhere in the background, but I didn't quite do anything about it. Then, suddenly, I felt a strong, yet friendly, pat on my shoulder. I jumped in place, but before I could speak or move, you spoke: "Hey, kid, wake up! Your alarm is ringing and you're going to be late for school!" I froze in place as cold sweat started forming on my face. I slowly turned around and my eyes almost popped out of my skull as I saw you right in front of me, looking all fancy and fresh, while positive energy was radiating from you and you had that bright smile on your face.

I woke up as you began saying something else which I couldn't make out. After crying for another half an hour, I got up, got ready and then went to school.