Jonghyun, how are you doing now? Are you happier?

I can't believe it's been two whole months since you made the decision to leave. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions for everyone. Your brothers had their first concert today without you, but believe me your presence was there, not physically maybe but you were there watching over them, right? They all miss you a lot. We all do. Your empty spot on the stage really made my heart ache, I just want you to come and fill it again but I'm aware that can't happen, it's crazy that I'm fully aware I can't see you again, can't hear your beautiful voice again or your cheerful laugh but I desperately long to.

A few months ago I was having a really hard time, I was so exhausted of everything, I didn't know what I was doing, I was so alone. Those days I listened to you and tried to draw strength. On December 3rd I remember feeling so lost and so lonely sitting alone at night, it was just a dark moment for me. I didn't want to bother anyone, I didn't want my strong image to be damaged in front of them, I don't think they could understand anyway I couldn't even completely grasp why I felt like that, how could someone else? That night at midnight, 12.02am exactly, I watched your performance of elevator from the 4th episode of monthly live connection, one of my favourite songs and performances by you.

I focused all my attention on you as I sat alone that night and I really felt everything you poured into that performance and genuinely in that moment I found peace. I felt you understood me and that someone was finally accompanying me on that cold lonely night but now that you're gone I don't know who exists to understand my heart. I believe you really did understand me but I failed to understand you correctly and I'm so sorry, I was useless, you helped me but I couldn't help you, not even for a moment. Whilst I was listening to Elevator I remember clearly thinking 'Ahh he must be having a hard time too, he's an idol it must be tough and who knows what else is going on in his life. I hope he's okay, I hope he'll be fine soon' Those words came out of mouth Jonghyun I hope he's okay, I hope he'll be fine soon, that memory keeps hurting me, I'm so so sorry. You weren't okay and it was too painful for you to find a way to be 'fine' again in this life. Now people might think I'm a fan there's nothing I could've done anyway, I tried to believe that but I really can't, it may be childish but I can't help but think if I said something, if word was spread, if it gained enough attention you'd have noticed all our love and support or someone close to you would've noticed and been more cautious.

The way everyone came together after your death was touching, everyone has been so kind, reaching out to others, the day you went many people stayed up all night in case anyone needed a listening ear, many people have been arranging projects in your name or donating. I can't help but think if we'd united like this together just a little bit earlier you'd still be standing with us. Nevertheless, I won't turn this into something negative, it really is beautiful and I appreciate the way people are working together, so I want to thank everyone who loves Jonghyun or has been offering support. A big thanks to the author of this story and those helping with editing and uploading chapters too. Even after this parting Jonghyun you're still the reason behind so many beautiful actions, we won't forget you. Minho asked us to promise we never forget you and we never will, as long as there's life in us, you'll also be alive.

I'll share a quote here from a show I like very much.

'When does a man die? When he is hit by a bullet? No. When he suffers a disease no? No. When he ate a soup made out of a poisonous mushroom? No! A man dies when he is forgotten!"

And Jonghyun, you will never be forgotten.

I don't just want to focus on the hurt, I want to focus on all the good memories I associate with you too because those are some of the most precious. “Hello Baby” is definitely one of them, watching that definitely solidified your place as my first and ultimate bias, you made me laugh like crazy with your dorkiness, but also made me smile with your sweet and cute behaviour like when you seemed so shy when those girls called you on the street and said you're handsome. In the start of the Ring Ding Dong MV I always smile and get pumped up when you start it off even though I've seen it countless times now. That's just the way you are Jjong, the way you've always been, you have an eternal effect, you're unforgettable. I'm honoured to have known of you for all these years.

Stay healthy, stay happy, wherever you are. I'll try and live a good life, I'll always try and live a better today than yesterday.

Thank you and I love you.