I didn't become a fan of SHINee and Jonghyun until I heard the news. I had gotten into EXO and BTS and was even planning on learning about SHINee next. But I never wanted to learn like this.

Jonghyun, I've only known about your existence for two months. The day after the news. I started listening to SHINee's songs and watched live performances, and laughed a bit when I listened to and watched Ring Ding Dong. Then I came across the song Lonely. I watched the video and listened to the song and even though I didn't know what you were saying, but the emotion in your voice was more than enough for me to know how you felt. And even though I only knew about you for two days, I started to cry.

I think I cried for a solid two hours before falling asleep. I kept listening to all of your and SHINee's songs and watching performances and funny moments and SNL Korea in the hopes to preserve you. Your laugh is contagious and I found myself laughing through the tears.

Skip ahead a few days. One of the many nights I stayed up and listened to your voice. I looked for comfort in your voice but it brought me tears as well. Just as Lonely came on I remember tearing up even more and saw something in the pitch blackness of my room. It was a ray of moonlight coming through my window. My little Christmas village was set up in my room and the moon was shining right on the biggest building in the middle of the shelf. I smiled.

It was the day SM dropped your newest and last album. I clicked on Shinin and didn't bother scrolling to the comments at all. I kept the video full screen, wanting to hold on to every part of you that was left. While I watched it all I could think of was how amazing you looked. Smiling and singing and probably knowing that that music video would be the last you ever shot. The song is upbeat yet I cried. The tears weren't all sad. You looked so good and so happy and I found comfort in the words "always be with you".

As well as Shinin I listened to Before Our Spring. I watched the video first but later that night I listened again, this time reading the lyrics as I listened. I skipped to the end of the lyrics as I listened to the beginning of the song and saw "they say spring will come faster than last year" and "when I forget my tears and sadness when spring comes for me too". And I saw the connection between your passing and this song. Spring is your happiness; your escape from the world. Instead of spring coming the time it usually would, it came early for you. And I understand how hurt you must have been. And how you must feel better now.

I hope you're up wherever you are being happy again. I may have only known you for a while, but I care so much for you. Thank you for giving us so much when you rarely received much. I love you ❣️

~Ava