I Lost
A Farewell
Sweet Jjong.
I have been battling with my mind for quite a while, but perhaps the fight I face now is a lost one. I admit it, I lose. I am a girl of faith, and my faith has been tested so much in the past 6 months that I cannot stand up anymore; I admit it, I lose. My whole life my grandparents have taught me His word, His love, His compassion, and fundamentally, the importance of prayer. They’ve told me to no matter what happens, no matter the pain, no matter how hurt I am, no matter how angry I am, no matter how undeserving I believe myself to be, no matter what – to never stop praying. Always pray with a sincere heart and He will listen, they said, He will always listen. This battle, I am telling you, is already lost.
Because I prayed. For you. I prayed so hard for you, with the sincerest heart – my heart full of love and gratefulness to you. I prayed for you; your happiness, your well-being, your health, your family, your friends. I prayed for your sentiments, your heart, your mind, your ears, your mouth; I prayed for your nights to be spent happily, for your days to be joyful, for your dreams to be a comfort when your day has been tiring; I prayed for you, every night, every day. I prayed for you. And yet, here we are.
I am unsure if my heart wasn’t sincere enough, if my prayer wasn’t loud enough, if I’m too much of a sinner and what my grandmama told me about God loving me and hearing me unconditionally is untrue… at the end, here we are. With you gone, and my endless prayer left unanswered. That is a fact. This battle, I’m telling you, I have lost it.
God didn’t hear me. And we lost you. I lost you, along with my faith.
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